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    IAMAGEMLOVER   145,039
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There is no pleasing her.

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Sunday, May 26, 2013

As most of you know I have lost over 120 pounds. In Feb. 2011 I weighed 248 pounds. I was miserable, my knees hurt, were swollen and it hurt to walk. I was walking with a cane quite often. I have degenerative disc disease and my lower back was constant pain. It felt like someone was constantly twisting and wringing my back out like you would a washcloth. My Mom was always pointing out that it was because of my weight and how could I do that to myself. Lose weight Bonnie she would always say.

She was turning 85 that year on Feb. 6 and for her birthday I was taking her to Pennsylvania Dutch Country for her birthday in April. We went shopping sometime early Feb. for our trip. Nothing fit me right, I was miserable and wanted to go home before my 85 year old Mom did. That was the turning point. My Mom was in better shape than I was. She was just starting to use a cane, not all the time like I did though.

My BFF Gary is a tour director and he was going to be the director on the trip that I was taking my Mom on. He kept telling me start doing a lot of walking now or you will be sorry when we go to Pennsylvania. The trip is an awful lot of walking. He was at me to lose weight also.

I went to the Dr. and got a prescription for physical therapy. He prescribed both land and aquatic physical therapy. I started a diet. By the time we went on the trip I had lost over 30 pounds. I was able to do the walking on the trip. I am not saying that I wasn't in pain but not like I would have been. I continued on and by December I had lost a total of 60 pounds. Then I found SP, joined and really started to eat healthy. The rest is history. I lost the weight and reached my goal. I am now in maintenance.

To get to the purpose of this blog. At Christmas, my Mom stated that I had lost enough weight and I should stop. I was starting to look sick she said. I was about 5 or 6 pounds heavier than I am now. I wasn't even in the healthy BMI range.

I saw her at Easter time. First thing out of her mouth was I was talking to so and so and they wanted to know if you were sick because you look like death warmed over. You have lost too much weight. You should put some weight on. In one ear and out the other. I saw my Mom on Mother's Day. The size 8 skinny jeans that I had bought were not fitting me like they did, they were looser. My sister stopped by when she got home from camping the weekend and my Mom said look at your sister. Look how skinny she is. She lost more weight. My sister so good for her. My Mom said it is not good. She is too skinny. She is going to blow away. blah blah blah. When I talked to her the next day she said Kim asked her if I had cancer or something because I looked sick.

I checked my BMI and it is 23.9 which is at the high healthy range. I agree that I don't need to lose anymore weight and should maintain my weight but I don't think I look like I have cancer. Yes, my jeans are starting to get big, not big lose. Not even lose, just not tight.

I don't think she knows how this makes me feel. I was talking to Gary last night and made a comment about who cares or something to that effect. I may as well just eat what I want and how much I want because I am going to get criticism no matter what. I ate good yesterday but for some reason I was starving all day. I just could not get satisfied. I drank 12 glasses of water and was starving. I don't know what was up.

Thank God for Gary. Of course he got sarcastic and said go ahead. Get where you were and not be able to walk. Be in so much pain you cried sometimes. I haven't heard you complain about your back or knees in soooooo long and I use to constantly hear it. I know you are in pain now with the injury and being in physical therapy but that will pass. Why can't you just be happy with doing this for yourself. Value yourself enough to be happy in doing this for you. You are happier now than since I have known you. I don't want you losing anymore weight either. Tone up and maintain your weight. I think you are perfect just the way you are now. All I have to say is thank God for my best friend.

Now I think you can understand why I depend on my spark family so heavily. I understand that my Mom is doing it because she probably doesn't want me losing anymore weight and I know she doesn't know how her words make me feel. I just may have a conversation with her one day and let her know. I want to say emoticon to all my spark friends for all the support and encouragement that they have given me over the past 18 months also. You are all emoticon emoticon and appreciated. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KOMTRIA 7/11/2013 6:27PM

  Oh the job Moms do on our heads. I think Moms like to feel in control and if you are in control she isn't. Just smile and tell her you will let your higher authority (doctor) let you know if you have lost too much weight.

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HANSBRINK 6/24/2013 6:50PM

  This post is a while after your initial post and you've got many responses already. I would just like to add "Welcome to the Club!"

My weight loss is not a dramatic as your's, but it is still noticeable. I've received the same comments from my father that you have from your mother. Stop loosing weight. You look like you have cancer. Etc.

Your BFF Gary sounds like a dream. Listen to him. Take pride in what you've accomplished and how you feel now. Forget trying to get approval or recognition from your mother. I never got it from my father; and learned (eventually) not to expect it or let that bother me.

Best of luck in keeping the weight off.

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FITVALGAL 6/22/2013 12:17PM

    I got the too skinny comments from my mom & sister-in-law when I got down below 145 -- at 5'6", that's actually in the top half of my healthy weight range. I just decided it was because I lost pretty quickly (thanks to a sped-up metabolism from my son's birth), so it was just that I looked so different. It's easier said than done, but ignore the comments. Like you said, you're in your healthy weight range and your doctor is happy with your weight, so that's what matters. More importantly, you've improved your health & your life, which was the goal in the first place!
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SHERRY28269 6/20/2013 7:32PM

    Keep working on your self esteem -- This way you will know how important it is to please yourself and not worry so much what your Mom and your friends say in regards to your weight. Everyone will always have an opinion. As long as you are healthy and feel good, I would not worry about the comments you receive. Surround yourself with positive people and I think Sparkpeople is a perfect place to start. emoticon

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HKARLSSON 6/20/2013 1:54PM

    Moms criticize. It's what they do. There's no pleasing them. And you don't need to. You get the "you're too skinny" comments from friends and family because, quite frankly, your dedication to health is making them look bad. And, rather than step it up and better themselves, they'd rather pull you down. It takes less work, and less self-reflection, and as we all know, work and self-reflection can be pretty scary. Do what is best for you. We're all rooting for ya! And three cheers for your BFF!!!

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GRANDMABABA 6/19/2013 1:03PM

    Sometimes dh and I tell each other that we think our daughter is a bit too thin. But, she is very strong and fit...a distance runner. Her body is different from mine. My weight is o.k. But due to health issues I will never be as fit as our dd. you were so wise to not listen too seriously to mom.

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BLITZEN40 6/18/2013 4:36PM

    One thing I've learned in life so far is that moms need to be very, very careful of what they say to their daughters regarding their looks. We daughters take it to heart and never forget it. Congrats on your weight loss success and your health and vitality! Keep sparking and maintaining that awesome, healthy weight! emoticon

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LOGOULD 6/18/2013 4:16PM

    So much good advice - they are all right - THIS IS FOR YOU! You've got a great BFF there in Gary, and although I'm sure that your family loves you, heed the advice given. You need to stick with this because you love yourself and there is nothing wrong with that.....because, we love you too! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LUCKY8GAL 6/18/2013 12:40PM

    Congraulations on your weightloss success. Don't let anyone bring you down. You can't please everyone, so just stick to pleasing the one who really counts! Yourself:) emoticon

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BEE_FIT 6/18/2013 1:07AM

    Mom's sometimes say things with a loving heart and good thoughts behind them but they come out harsh and the words can hurt you more than if it was just a friend saying it. My mom was like this and now I don't have her here to say those words to me. I wish she was hear nagging at me because I know that's how she showed she cared. You mom sounds a like like my mom was when it came to weight. Try to accept her words as loving words and not hurtful words.

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NICKYCRANE 6/17/2013 3:55AM

    I agree, eat whatmyou want! Congratulations on the resultnof eating what you choose!
And whenmyou want to eat healthy, thats your right! Congratulations! My mother used to do her best to sabotage my diet, and colain bitterly when I didnt eat the pork pie she hadmgot speciallymfor me because I usedmto eat it in vast quantities in my youth and she convenientlymforgot that I had told her I wasnt eating it now. Half themtime she would make derogatorynremarks about my diet, at pther times she would make derogatorynremarks about me being overweight! I was ill with a succession of viruses which left me ill or exhausted for six weeks, and some people asked if it was caused by my weight loss. This was concern, not criticism, a question, not an insinuation. I am around middle of normal BMI. A friend did say I shouldnt lose any more weight, and I decided for myself that 55 kilo, was right for me. Just above what I weighed at the time.

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RUNNINGYOGINIRE 6/16/2013 11:26PM

  You have a great friend, Gary. Sometimes family can be harsh. Don't let it bring you down.

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KANOE10 6/16/2013 10:26AM

    My mom is 93 and asked me if I was still on that crazy diet. At your mom's age you might have trouble changing her mind. When I received criticism for losing too much, I talked to people one on one. I told them that my doctor wanted me to lose weight and that he was happy with my weight for my health. i told people that I wanted their support. (not their criticism)

Yay for Gary! Yay for Spark Friends. Spark is my support for maintaining this weight.

You have done a wonderful job in maintenance . I am very inspired by you and your dedication.
Hang in there with your mom. Gary is right.

Hugs.

Comment edited on: 6/16/2013 10:28:16 AM

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-SHOREIDO- 6/15/2013 8:49PM

    Wow you did great!! Hard work and it shows : )

it's ok for others to not think positive about your loss. Your the one that knows how great you feel without those lbs not anyone else. I know lots of family and friends who seem confused about losing weight and getting in shape. It's just not their cup of tea. So be it!! I smile with a twinkle and tell them how great the new me feels.
Hang on and put YOU up front!!
Congratulations!!
Gin
ny emoticon

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MJZHERE 6/15/2013 7:32PM

  I remember how hurtful it felt when I was criticized about the weight I was losing. It does get easier as time goes on.

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NEWMEISHERE 6/15/2013 3:43PM

    My mother is big and unfortunately passed on her athritis to me as well as other health issues which leave me with a constant back ache and joint problems (I'm 224lbs at present,but am hoping to eventually get down to 126lbs) .
Anyway she tells me quite often when I moan about how i look (my Tum sticks out at the moment and I have had people ask if I'm pregnant etc and call me names)
She always says I look fine i don't need to lose weight or I'll look sick etc etc.
Keep going hun,it looks like you've done brillantly emoticon emoticon

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MEMORIES7 6/14/2013 11:36PM

    emoticon I am so proud of you my dear friend! emoticon You are emoticon emoticon Rose emoticon

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HDHAWK 6/14/2013 10:26PM

    It's pretty typical to get those "too skinny" comments once you've lost the weight. Don't let it get to you. Do what's right for you!

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KICKINGKILOS 6/14/2013 5:08PM

    U have done an awesome job my dear. I feel so proud of you.
I think your mom thinks you look super thin and she is just concerned. I know what she said made you feel bad. But I can only say that u talk to her softly. Our moms are well wishers. Sure i too feel at times that mine doesnt do me justice, but I try to let go.

Great job again.xo

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ASCHU2 6/14/2013 10:56AM

    Wow. This thread and conversation is so helpful to me right now. I'm fluxing between 70-75 pounds lost, and I'm debating whether I want to go for more, because I think I can and still feel fabulous. I lost my weight over 73 weeks, so it's been gradual. I get daily comments of "you look great!" to which I usually reply "Thanks, I feel great!" (it took me forever to say "thanks" first), but every other day, someone says, "Are you going to keep losing?" or "You're going to stop now, right?" I had someone at happy hour yesterday call me "Bones" and those comments really bother me. Even my own sister, who is a dietician, is waiting for me to stop "obsessing" by counting calories, weighing my food, and being at the gym for 1-2 hours most days a week, even though I've told her that lifestyle is making me happy and healthy!
I lift weights, so I am not thin-looking. I have great muscle tone, so I don't know if they're worried about disordered eating or exactly what the problem is. My sweet husband says I should lift up my sleeve and show them my biceps! Ha! Keep listening to your inner voice and your BFF. You know in your heart if you're healthy with your relationship with your weight or not, and you said your BMI matches up. Great post!

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JRRING 6/14/2013 10:36AM

  Oy...

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DSJB9999 6/14/2013 2:01AM

    emoticon emoticon

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DEBORAH-SIMS 6/14/2013 12:35AM

  I have lost over 100 pounds and I get people saying I should not lose anymore weight. The problem is that people tend to be overweight or obese. They think the overweight category is a normal weight. When I was at the top of the normal weight category, people were telling me to not lose anymore weight. Don't worry about what other people say. You sound like you are at a healthy weight.

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SKYVALLEYGAL 6/13/2013 10:06PM

    Congraulations on your success! Stick with your program and don't let other people's comments side track you. Ten years ago I had lost about 25 lbs and was at my healthiest and happiest ever. My now deceased sister who was excessively overweight asked me why I had lost so much weight. It still resonantes in my head. Here she was so obese and wondering why I wanted to lose weight. Over the past 10 years I had slowly put the weight back on. I have now lost close to 30 lbs since last October with the help of Spark People and yes, my husband is now having friends ask behind my back, is she sick? Yes, it bothers me but I am planning to keep doing what I am doing and trying to stay below my goal weight. Let them say and think what they will. You and I know where we've been and where we want to be. emoticon

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MOONCHILD8 6/13/2013 7:57PM

    Wow! You did it! You lost all that weight! That was a very good thing for your health and well being. I think your Mom means well. She does not want you to get sick from losing too much weight. What a wonderful person for caring so much about you. Your friend is so right you lost weight for yourself. He sounds like a sweet person. You are surround by loving people. Best wishes on the road ahead. Linda from bean town

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HOPEWELLNESS 6/13/2013 7:57PM

    Wow! This conjured up some memories! My Mom never really got me. I was always different. I was active and ate healthier and she just didn't understand me. It wasn't until I was getting ready for my Mom's funeral that I realized how tense I would get when I was visiting. She would always comment on my hair (she had thick beautiful hair and I had straight fine hair), or my clothes (my Mom was very overweight, my whole family actually)... anything. I was always worried about how I looked or what I did around her. When I was getting ready for her funeral, I realized I could wear what I wanted and do my hair the way I wanted without worry. Sad, isn't it? My point is, Moms can sometimes be our biggest critics because they are concerned. I would give a lot for to have my Mom here to criticize me now!
You and your health provider can determine what is a healthy weight for you. That's it. No discussion. Good luck! Everyone here has such good advice!

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JSALERNO 6/13/2013 7:32PM

    emoticon on the loss. Great job

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DESERTJULZ 6/13/2013 7:16PM

    Please yourself! Some people have told me that I am too skinny. You know what, I tell them I've never felt better and I like being here and that my doctor is happy with my weight. Works for me.

Good luck and know that we've got your back.

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KEEPITSIMPLE_ 6/13/2013 6:34PM

    Woooo Hoooooo! What an amazing journey. You've accomplished so very much, and have come soo far. You truly are an inspiration to all of us! I'm so proud of you, and thankful for your friend too!

Mothers! They are never happy! If you gain more, you will most likely get a lecture insisting you'll gain all of it back again. Love, enjoy, and celebrate however you feel comfy.

You are awesome!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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_LINDA 6/13/2013 5:37PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
Your body is yours alone. No one can tell you what to do with it. Your best weight will be what you are when you are living a healthy lifestyle and making sensible choices. That is, when you feel the best. I too, got some of that you are losing too much. The thing is I am very frail in my upper body because I am limited to lifting 5 pounds because of my artificial elbows. So when I lost weight, I lost a lot on my upper body first. This is all they see when I am sitting at the table or behind the desk. If they had paid attention to my lower body, I have hips and a pot belly like everyone else trying to lose. When I feel the best, I know I am successful at my program. I am so glad your friend Gary helped you see this. Weight loss is a personal journey and no one else's business.
Great work, and happy maintaining!
Hugs,
Linda

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MELROSE13 6/13/2013 5:36PM

    There is a reason he is your BFF :) His words were perfect. Mom's and Dad's have a tendency to worry, no matter how old we get they are still our parents and to them we are still their babies. My dad is the exact same way as your mom, he cares and he is concerned but he just doesn't know how to say it the right way..maybe it is that generation, or how they were raised, but you must know it is coming from a place of love and concern. Stay strong!

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NEWNANCY2012 6/13/2013 2:52PM

    emoticon

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MOMMY445 6/13/2013 2:10PM

    i agree. do this for yourself! you can maintain! woo hoo! have a fabulous day!

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ADRIENALINE 6/13/2013 2:07PM

    It's harder for older people to accept change. You are sooo lucky to have Gary who seems to give you unconditional good advice. I'm in maintenance too. I've had my demptivators as well but I've been lucky. They are people who I don't respect much. It would be hard coming from my mom or my sister. Maintenance is hard but it is not that hard so keep up the good work and KNOW that you are doing the right thing.

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BROOKLYN_BORN 6/13/2013 12:38PM

    Congratulations on your weight loss and YEA Gary!
You've received excellent advice, but I know it's harder to accept criticism from any family member especially your mother.
Friends and coworkers can be forgotten, but mom is always mom.

Another aspect of the "you're too skinny" problem is that as society has gained weight in general (two thirds of adults are overweight, obese or worse), anybody in the normal BMI is beginning to look thin by comparison.

Keep on the healthy path. You know it's the right thing to do.

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FELINA 6/13/2013 12:22PM

    Congratulations on reaching goal !
emoticon
Sometimes Moms just don't understand, they see you a certain way and then you change and they have a hard time accepting the changes. I think you should have that talk with your Mom and if she still doesn't get it, that's OK, since this is for and about you. And you have your great BFF in your corner !
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BOOKAPHILE 6/13/2013 12:21PM

    Do what you know is right for you.

Give everyone time to get used to the fact that this is your size from now on. I've even found that my mental self-image is lagging behind the reality. Eventually everyone will come to expect this size is really you.

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PAM_COOPER 6/13/2013 12:15PM

    I am getting that now too! Some friends just look at me in disbelief.

I've got the death warmed over comment as well . . .

I think they have seen me fat for SO long that it is abnormal to them to see or accept me as a normal, even thin person. That's OK. I know how I feel and that is healthy, energetic and finally comfortable (well, almost) in my own skin!!!!


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MILLIFRED 6/13/2013 11:38AM

    My daughter who is about 50 pounds overweight sort of does that to me; don't lose anymore Mom even though I am still about 5 pounds from a healthy BMI. Relatives don't want to see too much change and she say me through a major illness and doesn't want me to look like that again. Believe your best friend and keep to your maintenance plan.

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EVERLEARNING 6/13/2013 11:21AM

    emoticon

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MANILUS 6/13/2013 10:33AM

    This is our journey to walk and we have to be happy with ourselves. Great work reaching your goals and maintaining! You are so lucky to have your friend Gary!

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PROUD-GRANDMA 6/13/2013 10:31AM

    emoticon This is a journey! We learn so much about ourselves along the way! You are truly an inspiration! You may want to remind your mom of how much pain you were in before and how much better you feel now.

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SANDICANE 6/13/2013 9:30AM

    Oh, my SparkFriend, keep going...don't listen to ANYONE but yourself. This is a really tough journey, and people who have not travelled it, really don't understand all the challenges we have.

I too have been victim of the "do you have cancer?" question. The "don't lose anymore weight." statements. My skin does not fit as well as it used to, that's true, and that certainly adds to my "look" but I'm so happy to feel so much healthier!!! Keep going, and listen to your SparkFriends and your own heart!

Cheers and congratulations on your successes!

Sandi

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HAKAPES 6/13/2013 9:19AM

    When I meet new people, whom I haven't seen before, they have no issue about how (little) I look now.

Those, who new me from before struggle to accept that I have changed. They should change too, update their inner image of me. However, this is work. It's easier for them to push me back to the old self, vs. updating their beliefs about me.

Some people just take it as a habit. They don't even realize the power of their words. They need to talk about something, so they say negatives. Maybe they don't know how to tell appreciation, so they tell denial.

Must be not easy to deal with close relatives who don't encourage you, but try to hold you back.

Keep it up!

I wrote about something similar in my blog here:
http://www.sparkpeople.com
/mypage_public_journal_individu
al.asp?blog_id=5310200

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MEXGAL1 6/13/2013 9:12AM

    I too get constant comments about how little I weigh. But I don't pay attention to anyone by me and how my body feels. I feel healthy at my current weight of 105 as I have very small bones. I have energy and am happy. My BMI is 18.6 so yes it's at the low end of healthy. 18.5 is underweight....so I will watch it and try not to get too low. But my mantra is to eat healthy and only put foods in me that add vitamins and nutrients to feed my body.
So do what feel right to you. Be happy with you!
Best of everything.
Sallie

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JOEMARCHESANI 6/13/2013 8:54AM

    So often, we grow into adult looking for approval from others that we cannot provide for ourselves. But when we don't get that approval, we internalize the negative comments that we hear from others until that negativity becomes the inner voice of our self-image. Most of the time we don't perceive that the negative comments we get from someone else are really a projection of her or his own negative self-image onto us. When we do try to do something healthy for ourselves, we help to transform our inner voice into one that is positive and self affirming. The support of friends who want the best for us and from folks like those on SP provide the support we need to develop and sustain that inner, self-affirming voice. Congratulations on enabling that voice to guide you to a a healthier, more positive self. If you do discuss your feelings about your mother's comments, try to imagine that she, too, may be suffering from a negative sense of herself and that you realize what she is saying may have more to do with her than with you.

Comment edited on: 6/13/2013 8:55:54 AM

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AALLEY2 6/13/2013 8:49AM

    emoticon way to go! You rock! Keep up the great work! I had a situation similar to yours also. It is nice to be in a place that offers tons of support like Sparkpeople! I am grateful for being here too! emoticon

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KELLIEBEAN 6/13/2013 8:21AM

    It's a mom's job to worry. I've been there as well. Congratulations on your accomplishments. I'm very happy for you!

Gary sounds like a really wonderful friend!

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MANDELOVICH 6/13/2013 8:15AM

    Your friend Gary is very wise. You are doing this for yourself. You are amazing! Take that in!!!

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NELLJONES 6/13/2013 8:08AM

    I think only people who have consciously lost weight, those of us who pay careful attention to our weight, are concerned when someone says they look too thin. If someone said they don't like your hair or your dress, you bristle. If they say you look too thin, you wonder if they're right. If you had been this weight all your adult life, no one would even notice. You'd just look "normal". Because there has been a change, they feel they should comment, just as if you had gotten a new hairstyle. You say there is no pleasing these people. Why would you care what they think in the first place? It's not as if you have submitted yourself for approval as you would for a book submitted for publication. Some people just don't have enough real stuff to think about, I guess.

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