So it has taken me a while, but I think I have finally stumbled upon the real reason or at least one of the primary reasons why I am unable to lose weight. I realize now that if I lose the weight then I lose this "shield" that I use to distance myself from people. That's the real reason. I have used my weight as a way of distancing myself from others and from pain. So if I were to lose the weight that would mean I would lose this protection I have put around myself. That would make me vulnerable to getting hurt.
That is really what it all comes down to. People talk about having weight loss surgery,but I would never have it because it's not my stomach that is broken, its my head! Now, if they invented a brain surgery that worked for weight loss and other issues I'd definitely sign up for that because that is the source of all of these issues.
I have used this quote in another blog before, but it applies here as well.
Meredith from Grey's Anatomy
"There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever."
Here is another quote I love:
"Change isn't easy... changing the way you live means changing what you believe about life. That's hard... When we make our own misery, we sometimes cling to it even when we want so bad to change because the misery is something we know. The misery is comfortable."— Dean Koontz
You see it's not that we enjoy living this way. It just seems like the lesser of two evils. It is easier to live with a pain by choice than it is to open yourself up only to be crushed. I don't think there is a pain worse than loving wholeheartedly and then losing that love, whether it be a spouse, child, friend, or family. I just don't know if that is a pain I could survive.
So how do you let go of the walls you've built?
How do you jump knowing that the fall is gonna hurt like hell?