Saturday, May 25, 2013
Foot has hurt pretty much all day, I guess I shouldnt have gone to the walking track.
about 4 laps in and it really began to ache, I mighta pushed. Today I really needed it....but I didnt get it.
Walking was the one thing I did have.
And now I dont have that.
All the times when I needed to think, the cry, to laugh, to wonder, to work out ideas or ponder a subject or let go of some steam or some anger or some resentment or anxiety or even just when I was feeling really good and wanted to feel even better....
I would lace up my walking shoes, go to the track, put in my earbuds and listen to the songs that would help me do all of that....and now.....the songs have no meaning, the problems have no place to go....
I sit on the porch looking at the dark clouds moving across...I seen one in the shape of a frog.
I seen a plane flying way off in the distance and I wondered where it might be going...wish I were going somewhere...but i live 3 hours from the nearest airport, I have no passport and I have no money. Besides, I wouldnt know what to do once I got there, I could run as far as the sky allowed, but the thoughts inside my head would insist on coming to, they always do.
you think a day makes a difference...one minute you are texting and joking with a friend and the next, you are told a bit of news that you cant decide if its good or bad.
But, either way....you wish you didnt have to think about it, wonder about it, try to figure it out or try to see where it fits into your own life, or if it does, but people sure want to see the look on your face or hear the tone of your voice to see if it does. So called friends.
And even though you thought the day was getting better....deep down it really wasnt, and the pain rises to the top again and theres no pill to take it away, theres no walk, theres no friend to call, theres nothing to do but live with your thoughts. The thoughts you really dont want to think anymore.
and yet, they come, they linger, even in bed, sleeping, you dream about them, they swim thru your veins like a fish in the sea...whispering... "follow me, everything is alright, i'll be the one to tuck you in at night, and if you want to leave......"....and even though you do want to leave, you follow, cause you have no place else to go.