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    SOFT_VAL67   82,209
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the here and there and everywhere thinking about stuff blog

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Headache tonight.
Foot has hurt pretty much all day, I guess I shouldnt have gone to the walking track.
about 4 laps in and it really began to ache, I mighta pushed. Today I really needed it....but I didnt get it.
Walking was the one thing I did have.
And now I dont have that.
All the times when I needed to think, the cry, to laugh, to wonder, to work out ideas or ponder a subject or let go of some steam or some anger or some resentment or anxiety or even just when I was feeling really good and wanted to feel even better....
I would lace up my walking shoes, go to the track, put in my earbuds and listen to the songs that would help me do all of that....and now.....the songs have no meaning, the problems have no place to go....
So.....
I sit on the porch looking at the dark clouds moving across...I seen one in the shape of a frog.
I seen a plane flying way off in the distance and I wondered where it might be going...wish I were going somewhere...but i live 3 hours from the nearest airport, I have no passport and I have no money. Besides, I wouldnt know what to do once I got there, I could run as far as the sky allowed, but the thoughts inside my head would insist on coming to, they always do.
you think a day makes a difference...one minute you are texting and joking with a friend and the next, you are told a bit of news that you cant decide if its good or bad.
But, either way....you wish you didnt have to think about it, wonder about it, try to figure it out or try to see where it fits into your own life, or if it does, but people sure want to see the look on your face or hear the tone of your voice to see if it does. So called friends.
And even though you thought the day was getting better....deep down it really wasnt, and the pain rises to the top again and theres no pill to take it away, theres no walk, theres no friend to call, theres nothing to do but live with your thoughts. The thoughts you really dont want to think anymore.
and yet, they come, they linger, even in bed, sleeping, you dream about them, they swim thru your veins like a fish in the sea...whispering... "follow me, everything is alright, i'll be the one to tuck you in at night, and if you want to leave......"....and even though you do want to leave, you follow, cause you have no place else to go.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FRENCHSEAMS 5/26/2013 6:34PM

    I understand what you are saying LADYFROMTHEWOOD! When I had clinical depression, i hauled myself off to a psychiatrist for professional help. There is some good advice in that recommendation.

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LADYFROMTHEWOOD 5/26/2013 10:37AM

    Still here. Still encouraging you to go for help. Waiting to hear that you have. This is bigger than you. Love ya. Praying for you. Wishing I could drag you to a good doctor. Wishing I could make you pick up the phone and call first thing Tuesday morning for an appointment. Lots of art comes from deep, dark places (like writing) but that doesn't fix the problem, it just expresses the pain. The pain in your heart is much worse than the pain in your foot.
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KARENE10 5/26/2013 10:13AM

    emoticon

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AMBERZADE67 5/26/2013 7:15AM

    While this was a little sad to read ... I appreciate the stream of consciousness style of it ... and the reality and truth of it for you .... I'm sorry you were feeling this way when you wrote this and hope the day got better. I have found that I come up with the best ideas/thoughts etc while jogging with my dog so I know what you're saying.

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CAPECODBABE 5/26/2013 5:39AM

    I agree. Writing and journaling can be a great way to work through things.

Write down what is bothering you, then today give yourself a day off from worrying about it.

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FRENCHSEAMS 5/26/2013 3:09AM

    I think you could write your way out of your rut. What happened to your foot? How did it break?

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