Saturday, May 25, 2013
Yes, I used the "F"word - let's face it, with 100 plus extra pounds on my body I am FAT. That is not my issue - my issue is why am I content to be so?
Being comfortbale being fat does not mean that I like it or am happy with it - just that I have chosen to do nothing about it. It's not like I'm thrilled with my reflection, pictures or the fact that clothing options in my budget (or really, any other) are severly limited due to my size. Many, many years ago, in high school, I was able to lose down to a size 6 without even realizing I had done so (my sign was that my favorite jeans were now too big for me). What happened? My parents stopped driving me everywhere so if I wanted to seemy boyfriend at the time, I needed to ride my bike to his house - so I rode maybe 5-10 miles every day Needless to say, the weight came off and I didn'tfeel as if I had done anything to make it happen.
Flash forward to current times - I now weight about twice that amount. In spite of my weight, I am in relatively good health - my blood pressure, total cholesterol and blood sugar are all in healthy/normal ranges. My only health issue is gluten intolerance which I can self-manage by avoiding gluten.
I don't exercise regularly (or much at all) yet I have year-round access to do so - I live in South Florida, have a gym membership and access to a small gym and pools in my condo complex.
Although my husband feels that we both need to lose weight for health reasons, he is happy with me and loves me as I am.
Sometimes when I see my reflection, I see one vision of myself but when I see a photo of myself next to someone I am amazed at how big I really look.
And yet, I do nothing.
One of my friends suggested that I needed to figure out what I was afraid of.
Am I afraid that I will still be treated as the fat chick even when I am not?
Am I afraid that I don't have what it takes physically to do the work to improve my health? Possibly - when I was 12 we moved to a new state and as a result I had to enroll in a new school. When the guidance counselor asked my mother if I participated in any sports, instead of a simple response of no, she replied that I was not athletically inclined in any way (I was always expected to be a straight A student and focus on learning, not activity). This still resonates with me - could it be that I don't try to be physically active b/c I believe deep down that I am not athletically inclined in any way?
I have always been someone that works better under the pressure of a deadline. Could my reluctance to act be a result of me not feeling any pressing need to lose weight (apparently I don't feel my insecurities and the fat chip on my shoulder are nough "need").
Will I be any happier if I am no longer obese? There are no guarantees, but some of the things that I currently dislike about my situation will cease to exist - I will have more clothing options, i will no longer stan out as the biggest one in photos, I will not be considered a "person of size" at amusemement parks and struggle to find the one fat seat.
All I do know is that somehow I have to shake myself out of my comfort zone - if I am not happy with my job, I look for a new one; why can't I apply that to my life - if I am not happy with my physical presence - why not change that?
I am a work in progress ... stay tuned