Why am I comfortable being fat?

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Yes, I used the "F"word - let's face it, with 100 plus extra pounds on my body I am FAT. That is not my issue - my issue is why am I content to be so?

Being comfortbale being fat does not mean that I like it or am happy with it - just that I have chosen to do nothing about it. It's not like I'm thrilled with my reflection, pictures or the fact that clothing options in my budget (or really, any other) are severly limited due to my size. Many, many years ago, in high school, I was able to lose down to a size 6 without even realizing I had done so (my sign was that my favorite jeans were now too big for me). What happened? My parents stopped driving me everywhere so if I wanted to seemy boyfriend at the time, I needed to ride my bike to his house - so I rode maybe 5-10 miles every day Needless to say, the weight came off and I didn'tfeel as if I had done anything to make it happen.

Flash forward to current times - I now weight about twice that amount. In spite of my weight, I am in relatively good health - my blood pressure, total cholesterol and blood sugar are all in healthy/normal ranges. My only health issue is gluten intolerance which I can self-manage by avoiding gluten.

I don't exercise regularly (or much at all) yet I have year-round access to do so - I live in South Florida, have a gym membership and access to a small gym and pools in my condo complex.

Although my husband feels that we both need to lose weight for health reasons, he is happy with me and loves me as I am.

Sometimes when I see my reflection, I see one vision of myself but when I see a photo of myself next to someone I am amazed at how big I really look.

And yet, I do nothing.

One of my friends suggested that I needed to figure out what I was afraid of.

Am I afraid that I will still be treated as the fat chick even when I am not?

Am I afraid that I don't have what it takes physically to do the work to improve my health? Possibly - when I was 12 we moved to a new state and as a result I had to enroll in a new school. When the guidance counselor asked my mother if I participated in any sports, instead of a simple response of no, she replied that I was not athletically inclined in any way (I was always expected to be a straight A student and focus on learning, not activity). This still resonates with me - could it be that I don't try to be physically active b/c I believe deep down that I am not athletically inclined in any way?

I have always been someone that works better under the pressure of a deadline. Could my reluctance to act be a result of me not feeling any pressing need to lose weight (apparently I don't feel my insecurities and the fat chip on my shoulder are nough "need").

Will I be any happier if I am no longer obese? There are no guarantees, but some of the things that I currently dislike about my situation will cease to exist - I will have more clothing options, i will no longer stan out as the biggest one in photos, I will not be considered a "person of size" at amusemement parks and struggle to find the one fat seat.

All I do know is that somehow I have to shake myself out of my comfort zone - if I am not happy with my job, I look for a new one; why can't I apply that to my life - if I am not happy with my physical presence - why not change that?

I am a work in progress ... stay tuned
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Wow, you sound almost exactly like me. I am not happy with the way I look but am very slow at changing something to make that vision I have of myself happening. I’m a creature of habit, be it good or bad habits. I also get very overwhelmed and depressed when I try to change too many things at the same time. Usually I end up doing nothing and compensate with food.

    The way forward for me is going ministeps, changing one thing at the time and also figuring out what made me overweight in the first place, basically emotional eating and no exercise. As long as I replace emotions with food, I can diet all I want and never get anywhere. Now I’m focusing on making exercise a part of every day. This will eventually give me more energy to deal with the rest.

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    1729 days ago
    Your post makes me think of someone who once asked me "Why do you WANT to be fat?" Basically she said that I am the way I am because I want to be that way and when I figure out the reasons I was making myself fat, I'd be able to deal with it rationally.
    It can be mind boggling when you try to figure out subconscious motivation. I wish you luck!
    1733 days ago
    You sound like me at one time now I want to get this off my body because it will hurt me. Just like you I have healthy blood count and cholesterol too but for how long? As soon as the doctor says that I can start exercising I am going to do that. Had to stop when my husband was put into a wheelchair from the cancer but now that he passed in Feb, I have all the time to get healthy. Just remember that you never know when God will call your name.
    1733 days ago
    Small steps will get you there in no time. It's comfort that got us there, it's discovery that will get us out,
    1733 days ago
    These are fascinating thoughts. I have a totally different mindset -- I have always strived to be healthy -- so hearing your perspective shakes me out of my narrowness. Good luck with your journey and your discoveries!
    1733 days ago
    Yep, that's me too. I hit it in spurts, but don't consistently strive to stay/be healthy even though some of the things I want to do are being limited by my size. For instance, I like to kayak, but it's impossible for me to heave myself out of it. I want to zipline, but I'm right at the weight limit and BF is over. Guess I need to figure out what makes it work for me and you need to figure out what makes it work for you.

    Thanks for sharing this blog. In a wierd sort of way it's like someone else wrote all my inner thoughts in a blog.
    1734 days ago
    Thanks so much for sharing. A lot of what you said resonates in me. Good luck in finding your "spark." started training for sparkpeople.s virtual 5k. Join us when ready!
    1734 days ago
    wow I never thought that anyone would be brave enough to say it that way but I also must feel comfortable being fat because I do not stick to a diet or weight loss plan very well
    1734 days ago
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