Saturday, May 25, 2013
The year 2013 has, so far, been a series of "firsts" for me since my husband passed away in February. The first Valentine's Day and St Patrick's Day alone. The first Spring, and the first Easter without him to share it with. Our Anniversary was May 14th (36 years) and May 24th was his birthday (he would have been 69), both spent without him. Although I go through the motions, and do and say all the right things, these firsts are sometimes so unbearable, I think I am going to explode! I do not know who I am without him. I wonder - when will I be able to stand alone, or feel whole again? I am told, and logically I know, that I have to let myself grieve, and let my faith carry me through each day as it comes - but I'll tell you, those "firsts" are a killer!
My profile says I have been a member of SparkPeople since 2009, but the fact is, that was just the year I joined, only to abandon it weeks later. Losing weight is so hard. I cannot honestly say I know how it is to live a healthy lifestyle – and both scares me to death. I am plagued with the fear of failing once again and wish with all my heart that I had Charlie here to help me - he was my biggest cheerleader!
Thankfully, SparkPeople came at a time when I needed some control over the changes in my life - to make my own "firsts" if you will. The first time to find a diet I can live with, the first time to feel in control of my eating, the first time to lose weight and keep it off. These are "firsts" I can live with. I thank God for directing me once again to this site. I know this is not a miracle cure, and that it is going to take hard work - because it is hard!
I have lost 19 pounds to date. I have not gotten to a place where I can say I have made a permanent lifestyle change, but I know that this is the direction I want to go in and that for right now I am going to push forward until I reach my goal. So...today I choose to have a better day – it is after all, the first day of the rest of my life. (did I really just say that?) Thank you SparkPeople for being there just at the right time!