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    RIAKING   5,727
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Firsts


Saturday, May 25, 2013

The year 2013 has, so far, been a series of "firsts" for me since my husband passed away in February. The first Valentine's Day and St Patrick's Day alone. The first Spring, and the first Easter without him to share it with. Our Anniversary was May 14th (36 years) and May 24th was his birthday (he would have been 69), both spent without him. Although I go through the motions, and do and say all the right things, these firsts are sometimes so unbearable, I think I am going to explode! I do not know who I am without him. I wonder - when will I be able to stand alone, or feel whole again? I am told, and logically I know, that I have to let myself grieve, and let my faith carry me through each day as it comes - but I'll tell you, those "firsts" are a killer!

My profile says I have been a member of SparkPeople since 2009, but the fact is, that was just the year I joined, only to abandon it weeks later. Losing weight is so hard. I cannot honestly say I know how it is to live a healthy lifestyle and both scares me to death. I am plagued with the fear of failing once again and wish with all my heart that I had Charlie here to help me - he was my biggest cheerleader!

Thankfully, SparkPeople came at a time when I needed some control over the changes in my life - to make my own "firsts" if you will. The first time to find a diet I can live with, the first time to feel in control of my eating, the first time to lose weight and keep it off. These are "firsts" I can live with. I thank God for directing me once again to this site. I know this is not a miracle cure, and that it is going to take hard work - because it is hard!

I have lost 19 pounds to date. I have not gotten to a place where I can say I have made a permanent lifestyle change, but I know that this is the direction I want to go in and that for right now I am going to push forward until I reach my goal. So...today I choose to have a better day it is after all, the first day of the rest of my life. (did I really just say that?) Thank you SparkPeople for being there just at the right time!

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MT-MOONCHASER 5/26/2013 1:59PM

    I am with you on the "first" happenings, only it wasn't my husband I lost (divorce happened 35+ years ago), it was my younger son who was killed in a car wreck last November.

I miss him so much, he lived with me for the last 13 months of his life and was such a help to me. Supper time is very hard, as he usually fixed supper. I am just now starting to take an interest in fixing more healthy suppers for myself instead of just grazing when I get home from work.

I'm sure that we will get through this one way or the other. It is up to us as to how healthy a lifestyle we choose.

I hope you have a pleasant Memorial Day weekend.

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RIAKING 5/25/2013 1:56PM

    Thank you so much for your kind words - Cheryl, Kathleen and Elsie. You all are the perfect example of why God has directed me to this site! This is truly where I need to be.
I am exited about my weight loss and know that Charlie would have been also - he was always so supportive of my attempts and loved me unconditionally!! Today is truly a good day!!!

With love and gratitude,
Maria

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SAINTBERNARD6 5/25/2013 12:36PM

    Having been through the "year of firsts", I do know how hard it is. There will be good days and bad days. Remember God is there even when we can't always feel His presence, he still holds and carries us. I can't say when the pain lessens, I just know that eventually the happy memories will overtake the sad ones. The missing part doesn't go away--at least mine hasn't and my hubby stepped into Heave in 2004.

Blessings and hugs...God's angels will carry you....Elsie

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AKATHLEEN54 5/25/2013 11:10AM

    Maria,
It is so sad reading about your list of firsts, but as a lot of people have told you that I'm sure is one of the steps you take while you grieve. And as hard as it is you are taking the steps toward recognizing that you have to learn how to live differently now, but that doesn't mean it can't be good.... it's just different. Just look at it as a different phase of of your life. It's a new journey with adaptations, changes, but good things will be happening. Just as this new lifestyle is hard, which it definitely is, getting used to going about your daily life without Charlie by your side is very hard, but each day will get easier. The pain will start to fade but you will never forget. So too this lifestyle will get easier as you adapt to new choices but you will never forget about the foods you used to love and sometimes you will indulge (you are not normal if you don't) As as you go along you will get more fit, healthier and stronger I may have told you I joined spark in January of 2012 but that was all I did... I joined and never went to the website again. They I don't really know what changed but when I came back to it a year later I was ready and have stuck with it since. I think the key word is that you have to be ready and it really sounds as though you are. You sound committed, motivated and you should certainly by motivated by your weight loss thus far.... that's amazing. You are on your way to the new you, but deep inside you will always be yourself so don't every let that go!! emoticon

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BLUENOSE63 5/25/2013 10:20AM

  Maria

First of all let me say how sorry I am about your husband's passing. Never an easy thing as my Mom went through the same thing 7 years ago and she said the pain lessens but never really goes away but rather you learn to live with it and through it.....I hope you will be there soon

Congrats on the weight loss.

God Bless

Cheryl

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