Saturday, May 25, 2013
I have three days with kids left. One with parents. And one to pack up my room and make it easy for the custodian to move my crap and clean my room this summer.
And I joined a gym. I know SP says you don't need a gym. I know that there are lots of online and DVD resources out there. I know that running costs like no money and there are lots of things that I can do just using my body weight.
But I can't do this by myself.
One of my families joined a gym that's a bit north of me and so I went to take a look at it. I'd been inside once when I picked up tennis balls from them for the feet of my classroom chairs. It's overwhelming.
It takes up a whole city block. It smells like new building though it's been there two years. They have a salon and spa, and a medispa. There's a cafe with healthy meals to go that cost as much as a fast food meal. The locker rooms are gorgeous. They have two pools (one inside, one ouside), a sauna, 2 whirlpools, and whole separate area for kids so adults are never working out with children around. I've never seen so many treadmills in my life. Their yoga studio is to die for and smells like bliss. They have a separate pilates studio, two cardio rooms, and the biggest cycling room I've ever seen. 10 tennis courts, two basketball courts, racquetball courts, and pretty much anything else you can think of..oh yes...a climbing wall.
It's overwhelming and that doesn't even begin to express what you feel when you walk in. They have more training staff than a hospital has doctors. And nutritionists on staff, personal trainers for anything you might want to do, and doctors on staff for medical and lab work to determine a thousand different things. Yeah, some of this might just be gimmick, but damn it's impressive.
I went to a yoga class Monday and it was amazing. I'd intended to go more but just got caught up in end of year stuff and was absolutely exhausted after 15 hours at school in meetings and with kids. That's the other thing. They have classes scheduled at times just about everyone can go...and the popular ones are spread out with multiple opportunities! Monday I intended to go to a barbell strength class, but misjudged 4:30pm traffic and missed the first 15 minutes by the time I got there and got changed. So I treadmilled a bit and then went to the yoga class. I'm going to the barbell strength class this morning in a couple hours and have a meeting with a trainer to talk about what I need to be doing in order to get this weight off.
I just...needed help. Guidance. Just...help.
When I went in for a tour, I sat there in front of this huge, intimidating guy (which was probably the worst choice as far as someone for me to talk to, but what do you do when the girl online doesn't *know* you?). He asked what I was looking for in a gym, and all I could get out was "Help" behind the tears welling up in my eyes and the catch in my throat.
The thing about this, and something a lot of guys don't get, is that this weight loss thing is very mental and emotional at the same time. One guy I used to work with said "Oh just have some self control!" as though that was the magic trick to this. Except if I had self control I wouldn't BE in this mess.
The first hurdle is believing that I am WORTH it. Am I deserving of the membership, the time, the dedication to myself? Normal people would say of COURSE! But that isn't how my mind works. I really had to talk myself into this membership and then have to talk myself into going EVERY TIME. (Fine..I've done it successfully all of once, but that took a lot of talking!) Brad couldn't wrap his head around why it was such a dilemma--for him it was a no-brainer. Of course I should join this gym, regardless of the cost, he said; I am the most important investment I could possibly make--all the other stuff doesn't matter.
I worried about the money, I won't lie. $64 a month is a lot of money. I have a sink in my bathroom that needs fixing. I have carpet that needs replacing. I have a jeep that has things that need to be fixed. I have linoleum that is 30 years old that needs to be dealt with. I have bills I should be paying off. Part of me, because of how I was raised, is that anything outside of food, shelter, clothes to wear to the office, and a way to get to work is an absolute luxury and anything that isn't one of those things isn't where money should go. (I've rebelled against that mindset by buying THINGS for many years, just to have, and just to prove I could.) And now that I've "dishonored" my family by having to declare bankruptcy this year, my brain says I really don't deserve THIS luxury or any other even if the money is there.
So I had to get over THAT hurdle first. Then I had to tell myself that even though I do not look "good enough" to be seen in a gym, going was the only way that I would ever get there. Trying to do this on my own hasn't worked. I let myself talk myself out of working out at home and have scared myself out of running or being outside to work out alone. The fact is, I don't know what I *should* be doing. Yoga is great, but unless I'm in a class, I give up too fast. Running is great, but again, my brain overrides my body and tells me I have to stop when I really haven't hit that wall yet. By myself, I don't have much in the way of weights and have no idea if I'm using them correctly anyway.
So this summer is going to be about me. I can see what I want my body to look like in my head and how I want clothes to fit, and most importantly, how I want to FEEL. I don't like thinking that parents are looking at me now wondering how I can be a role model to their child looking like this. I don't like knowing that some don't take me seriously because of the way I look. It's a real fear--people DO judge based on looks alone and those who are fit and attractive get people's respect.
I think that's what I want most of all...people to respect me both personally AND professionally, and to have the confidence to demand it. Maybe this will help.