Thursday, May 23, 2013
Since I waited so long to update afer my last appointment with Dr. B, I just saw her yesterday and have another update!
We spent a lot of time talking about my habits while I'm off working as a singer, because they are totally different from my habits as a "civilian" at home. My daily schedule (wake up time, work time, exercise time, etc.) will be SO different, and so are the inherent challenges. I've actually much more experienced coping with the lifestyle of a singer than with that of an office worker, so I don't think she's concerned about me holding it together. Honestly, I'm not either. As long as I'm not miserable or in terrible surroundings, I'm usually on my best behavior when I'm on my own. Go figure.
This lead to a discussion about the way people treat people who eat healthfully, are watching their weight, etc. It's really interesting, actually, the way people feel like they can comment on other people's meals. It's not like we offer unsolicited comments on other people's grooming habits, sleep habits, etc., but eating is such a communal activity that it seems to be fair game. I don't know about you, but I've experienced so many different kinds of comments and judgements about my eating. Sometimes it's flattering, like comments about my willpower, healthy cooking skills, etc. Other times, it's upsetting, like people being offended that I don't want to eat unhealthy meals they've made, people pressuring me to "relax" and eat junk food, or losing out on opportunities to bond with colleagues because I don't want to go out to eat/drink all the time.
I try hard not to use food as a way to isolate myself, truly. I don't think it's healthy to be so rigid about food that you start avoiding social interactions altogether. I also don't think it's acceptable for "friends" to judge you for eating in a way that allows you to maintain physical fitness (assuming you're not actually starving yourself!)
Dr. B made a really good observation. If a group of friends wanted to go out for dinner and one person said, "Hey I'm vegetarian and there's nothing I can order at that restaurant", would everyone give that person a hard time? I truly don't think so. But I've personally experienced being embarrassed by people ridiculing me for not wanting to eat, for example, fried food. Totally unfair!
I also mentioned a few interactions with colleagues (almost always men) who tell me I'm not "fun" because I don't want to get drunk or eat junk food all the time. I said that it feels like women who can drink and eat like the guys and then look like bikini models have ruined it for those of us who actually have to try. Guys seem to think it's normal to eat what you want and look great (maybe because that's what most of them experience themselves? Hmm.)
Dr. B made a pretty interesting point about that... Drinking and eating junk is "naughty", which is sexy. Being responsible isn't sexy. This is why I hate men! (Except my hubby. Love you, hubby.) And actually, she said I was lucky to have such a great, supportive husband, because a lot of women are dealing with spouses telling them they've put on weight and aren't looking so good anymore. As I told Dr. B, I would run my hubby over with the car if he ever said anything like that to me.
Lastly, we talked about my physical last week, and how I'm generally wrestling with 2 different ways of thinking.
1 -- Wow, I am so strong and fit! I can run 8.5 miles! I can dance like crazy in Zumba! I can bike up big hills! I am a rockstar and who cares what the scale says!
2 -- My jeans are tight and I'm stuck at my "danger" weight no matter what I do. It's not fair and I hate my body. How can I be happy?
It's been a real struggle. Dr. B agreed that it's incredibly unfair that someone like me who works hard at both exercise and healthy eating is at the very tip of the "healthy" BMI range. She agreed that my goal of 130-135 is not unrealistic and I absolutely "deserve" to be there. The only real advice she had, though, was to give it a few more months of this new way of eating (slightly more planned food and no bingeing). She thinks those extra few pounds will drop off eventually. She did say that if they don't, then I have accept that I either have to eat less to have the body I want, or I have to accept that my body is what it is.
That's a crappy choice, so I really hope it doesn't come to that! I'm happy to keep trying the new way for awhile, though. I truly would rather have a healthier, not disordered relationship with food than weigh 5 lbs less.... but I would really like to lose those pounds!!
Soooo anyway. Enlightening discussions as usual. I'm still on my path to world domination, regardless of what the scale says!
Have a great week, everyone!!