Thursday, May 23, 2013
I don't know what it is lately, but I've been on such an emotional roller coaster that half the time I don't know up from down. Today, despite all the questions and doubts, is a good day.
My weight loss has stalled - I refuse to call it a plateau because to me a plateau is a high point, and weight loss is supposed to be a gradual decline. My motivation to keep going has been hit and miss. Some days I'm still good, exercising and watching what I eat. Other days, not so much. The thing is, I'm happy with what I've lost so far. I wouldn't be terribly upset if I stayed at this weight for a while - mostly to satisfy the economist in me.
I'm having issues with clothing lately. A lot of my favourite outfits no longer fit properly, or at all (mini celebratory chair dance at that thought!), and buying new clothes is expensive. The knowledge that I intend to lose at least another 2 or 3 clothing sizes before I'm done makes me reluctant to go all out on a new wardrobe, even though I know that it will likely take me years to drop down that many dress sizes. Add to that the fact that I REALLY don't like the colours and patterns this season, and I'm having issues letting go of my old favourites knowing that I won't be able to replace them. I never would have thought that I'd be such a fasion diva!! And yes, I know that a lot of people use second hand clothing stores to fill their closets when losing weight; however, that is just not an option for me here. The closest decent second hand clothing store that carries anything that I might wear is over 4 hours away.
But I do keep chugging on, trying to keep in mind my mantra - any movement is better than no movement and make a healthier choice, even if it's not the healthiest choice.
The whole TTC thing is definitely contributing to my moods and my motivation lately as well. You'd think that knowing that a healthier, lighter me will not only make it easier to conceive, but also ensure a healthier pregnancy and baby, would make it easier for me to stay on the right track. Some times it does. Other times, not so much.
There are times that I question whether we're doing the right thing by trying for a baby. My 16 year old daughter does NOT want to be a big sister. She's had me to herself for her whole life, and for a good portion of it, it was just her and I. I understand that she feels a bit threatened by the thought of sharing me with another child. But she was never intended to be an only child. I always wanted more, it just never happened. And now that I'm finally in a place where we can consider having a child, I'm torn. I want another baby. But I also don't want the baby I already had to feel like she wasn't enough for me.
Ah well. I think D will be a wonderful father. He's already phenomenal with my daughter, and she only became a regular part of his life as a teenager (which many parents say are the most difficult years). I dream about little mini-D's all the time now. Although I've always wanted another girl, I have to say I'll be more than happy with a little boy with D's big brown eyes.