Thursday, May 23, 2013
I know, two blogs in one day, what the hay? Well, two different thought streams thats what.
So, I listened to Jillian's latest blog post 'Embracing criticism' and at the end of the episode she takes a call with a guy who has gone through a lot of weight loss and a divorce. He is now trying to change up how he is treated in the dating world, he has classically been the 'best friend' or 'the buddy'. I have been there! I am that girl. Jillian talked about how to change that dynamic. It involved meditation and reframing his own identity as a 'sexy guy' instead of the 'shoulder to cry on' guy. I don't want to be the 'friend' either. Forget that.
An old friend told me that I have changed. I am further along than I had known. That recent break up with my former book club is an example of how I have changed. I no longer want the friendships with the broken and down trodden. I'm not a second banana. I'm not a low life. I don't need to grovel at the feet of the difficult. I don't have to befriend the prickly just to avoid being alone. I don't need that in my life. I'm not the scared little girl they once knew. I'm not a door mat. Thats just not me anymore. Now that I have more self confidence I am setting the boundaries in my life. I don't want difficult and possessive.
And, I don't want to be 'the friend' or 'the sister.' Forget it. I don't have the time for it. Why do people want to confess everything in their lives to me? Why? I don't know. I just don't want to carry their burdens for them. I'm not a therapist. I'm not a dumpster for people's problems.
I have time for my movie club because its fun. I have time for workouts because they work for me. I have time for my job because I'm learning and I'm earning. I have time for my family because they love me. I have time for my cat because I love her. I have time to sit in the sun and soak up rays. I have time for new friends who are genuine.
Jillian said that the lessons we learn from weight loss manifest in other aspects of our lives. Thats why she added the 'Love Doctor' segments to her podcast. She uses weight loss as the entry point to improving one's entire life, not just one part. I didn't know that setting boundaries with food would spill over into friendships and then turn around and teach me that I haven't been truthful with myself about my friendships. I had no idea that this was part of my truth. I didn't know I was just walking around like an abuse victim playing out a script from my child hood. I didn't know that. I didn't know that bullying could adversely effect my entire adult hood. I was emotionally scarred and it carried over into adulthood. I don't know how a child sets boundaries that are respected, but as an adult I have learned scripts to help me communicate what they are. Kids don't have much choice and they sure aren't taught skills to deal with bullies, but as an adult we have more choice and I now have more skill. yay me!