Wednesday, May 22, 2013
What is my ULTIMATE goal?
I've been thinking about that today. What is my REAL, ULTIMATE GOAL?
Well... like most people here, I guess my ultimate goal is to lose fat (it used to be to "lose weight" but I am finding weight to be somewhat irrelevant). I don't like the way my body looks. It causes me some degree of distress. And so I want to change the way I look to become more appealing in some way. To whom, I'm not really sure. My husband finds me appealing, or at least pretends to at least once per week (wink, wink).
If I could not see myself at all, or if it did not matter to me how I looked to others, what would I think about myself?
I would probably like myself a hell of a lot more.
Yes, absolutely. I am smart, successful, have a nice home, have some solid discipline and will-power (dissertations don't write themselves, and credit card debt doesn't miraculously disappear), a pretty nice family. I'm very happily married. I have two bright boys who are overall respectful of my husband and me. I'm hard working, and have repainted our house, did a lot of landscaping, and stripped, stained, and applied polyurethane to our kitchen cupboards - they look great!
I've come back from a back injury, where I bravely did something stupid - but tried anyway. I have trained for several 5Ks and a 10K. In just 2.5 months, I have increased my deadlift weight from 45 lbs to 115 lbs, and my squat from 10 lbs to 75lbs. Where a few months ago, I struggled to carry my 3 year old, now I can throw him up in the air (and catch him).
Suffice it to say, I should feel pretty excellent about myself. But unfortunately, like most women - and some men - I feel bad about myself because I carry more body fat than I would like. I mean, if I didn't like my nose, or my ears - how much would I care? Not much. And it's not like we have nosepiration or earpiration, like thinspiration, all over Pinterest. Why this? Why so important? Why for women more than men?
Want to know what worrying about weight gets you? It gets you the weight loss trap. Years of it. I have been stuck here. For a long time. Sometimes I "make progress" and somethings I "suck donkey balls". But here I always am.
Meanwhile, while I've been hating on myself for not losing fat, I have all this other crap to be proud of.
Yes, I certainly do eat my freggies.
I cook my own food.
I exercise regularly. And have been for a long time.
I don't smoke.
I don't do drugs.
I don't drink heavily (a few per week, not all at the same time).
I don't eat chemical-laden frankenfood.
(blah blah blah)
You know what?
I'm healthy. And I'm healthier than I have ever been. Even when I weighed less.
So what is my ultimate goal? My desire is to lose fat, but my actions take me to health. Sometimes, I honestly believe that the two are very much independent of one another. I am a very healthy fat person.
I have more to say about this tomorrow.