Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Ever since I was in high school, I've always been a big girl (not always overweight). I just always felt bigger then other girls. I've never been petite or dainty, I've always been strong and muscular (one of the reasons I flocked to sports). Even now when I've been honest with some of the ladies I work with about my weight loss, they can't believe I want to lose 100 lbs. One even said, "Where are you going to lose it from?" I don't know if she was trying to flatter me, all I know is that 100 is just a number and a goal.
I won't be devastated if I don't get to 100, exactly. I want to be able to buy designer clothes off the rack, because I can afford it now! I want to get to a place where I am healthy and when people look at me, or see me again they think, "Dang, she looks good". My motivation is to get my body image of myself in the right place, and to get my body to a healthy weight for me.
I remember when I was in middle school and even though I was normal sized. I felt bigger then the other girls. I played basketball in HS and my claves were bigger then some of the girls on the teams thighs. That's when I started to feel like I wasn't normal. But, the fact of the matter is... I was healthy and normal. All of those girls that made me feel bad about myself, were most likely under weight. No one ever said anything to me about my weight, except my Mom. But, isn't that the way with most of us?!? My Momma has her own body issues and problems, which she helped project onto me. I'm not blaming my Mom any more (for a long time I did).
I'm an adult. I'm 31. I've kept myself this way. I've kept my body surrounded by fat in order to protect myself from being hurt. Because underneath I've always felt vulnerable. But, that's everyone. I'm no different. Underneath it all everyone is vulnerable. That's my second motivation, I'm on this journey to get myself to a place where I can let someone in, because right now I'm using the fat to keep them away. I've been acting contrary to my own best interests and that stopped when I started this journey. Today I'm selfish. I'm living my life for me. And guess what, that's okay.