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Where did my motivation go??! (rant warning)

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

If you see it-please scold it soundly and send it back!

Seriously, I was going to go to the Y today. I didn't. I have plenty of valid reasons (son had a school trip that required being there for the bus to "leave at 5:30"-it didn't leave til after 6. I was up and down since 3am afraid we would oversleep. The drama queen's heart surgery is today) But, let's be honest. They're excuses.

Hence, the 20lb weight gain since I got snowed in back in february. I KNOW I can lose the weight. I KNOW what to do, how to do it, what to eat, etc, etc, ad nauseum.

I COULD have went to the Y after the bus left and worked out then. My swimsuit was in the truck (damp, but in the bag in the truck) and I left my clean spare in my locker with a towel (oand the Y rents towels if you forget one) I was already over halfway there from the house and they open at 5am. I came home for a nap with the intention of getting up and going back for, about that....

And logging? SO hasn't been happening. Watching what I eat? (If I keep my eyes open when I eat a brownie-or 4-does that count as watching?) Yeah.

I keep PLANNING to get back to it. Then STUFF HAPPENS. Like school events (the all-nighter that trashed Mother's Day and today's trip? Oh, and let's not forget All Grades Prom), calls about working (still waiting to hear how the Scottie Dogs sold), and the ever-popular Mama Drama. Oh, and budget juggling, son's birthday coming up Sunday, and Hub's work (or lack of). And market starts the first weekend of june.

I got on the scale the other day and it said 302.2...I about DIED!! Then I realized getting on the scale when you have "really go" is a BAD idea, weighed again in the afternoon and was back to 296. Still VERY unhappy with myself.

It is just SO MUCH EASIER when the budget isn't tighter than a harp string. When I could afford to take myself out for either breakfast before the gym or lunch afterwards, it was easier. And I swear, if one person sends me that "don't reward yourself with food, you are not a dog" I will SCREAM. I really despise that saying. Who decided they had the right to tell me what rewards were "acceptable"???

Don't tell me to reward myself with a movie (cost $9.50 plus transportation) a video (new release rental $5 per night, purchase up to $25) or new clothes (anywhere from $10 for new undies to around 1,000 for a whole wardrobe). I can afford $1 for a brownie ($4 for a container) or $3 for a mocha much easier.

On top of which? I get "that attitude" when people tell me things I already know. You know which attitude I mean. The self destructive "I can't? Want to bet? Watch me." attitude.

Don't start, please. My head already KNOWS. I just have to get the rest of me back in line.

So, the "mama drama" continues. Talked to her Saturday, she has/had pneumonia. Was highly po'd that they were treating her with antibiotic shots and oxygen-at her nursing home. (How DARE they!? She should have been admitted to the hospital, you know. She doesn't get NEARLY enough attention at the nursing home. emoticon NOT!)

Supposedly her surgery is today. No clue what time or anything. I love being the family mushroom (kept in the dark and fed cra*).

I also was apparently supposed to keep son home from trip so he could worry about her all day. Yeah, like that was going to happen? Think again.

And of course, we had to go through the whole "I'm going to be in more pain than anyone else ever has" load of fertilizer-AGAIN. For about the 50th? time (not exaggerating, either!).

I think that's also part of my motivation problem. Any time I talk to her, she has to be negative. And whiney. And wanting attention. And whiney. And trying to get the family fighting again (which is also-NOT HAPPENING). And did I mention WHINEY?

And anything I'm doing positive? Can't possibly compare to what she's accomplishing. "And she has heart failure, you know". AARRGH!!

Like I have no idea what pain is, after having 2 total knee replacements 3 months apart?! Especially when they let me wake up from the first one, totally alert, with NO PAIN MEDS??
And I'm walking? I managed to go to ohio and take care of her in the hospital 6 weeks after the 1st one??

But nothing I do can compare.

The best part? She will brag about me to other people! But she refuses to say anything supportive or nice TO ME. Okay, let me revise that. She will say something "nice", immediately followed by "BUT" and then make a list of what I'm doing wrong.

Is there any wonder I'm struggling?

We'll see what I hear later about her surgery. And I will deal with things then.

Right now? I think I might drag myself to the pool. Okay, I will drag myself to the pool. Honest. I'm getting up to look for shoes now...
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    That that it's out of your system.Get craking emoticon
    1733 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon !

    UGH the motivation! It is rough! And having other stuff going on does throw you off!! Hi, my gym is 2 blocks from my apartment. I can walk to it in under 5 minutes, and I still haven't been all week! I would say I know how you feel, but you have even more going on than I do.

    Once you go once or twice, it will start to feel more routine. It will get easier to motivate yourself to get out of the house. Keep pushing yourself to go, but don't beat up on yourself when you don't! (I'm going tomorrow morning. already decided!!)

    I don't see going out to eat before or after the gym as a "reward"... it's not like you're eating a billion calories to undo all your work at the gym, it's more like... getting a meal that someone else cooks and cleans up after!!!!! That's the bonus! It's convenient and it lets you use the time you'd normally use preparing/cleaning up after a meal to work out. It's a good thing, and I wish you could do that more.... emoticon

    emoticon for your mamma drama, too... BLEH. I hope her surgery goes well, but I know it isn't a personality transplant, so I know you'll have more to deal with anyway after that. emoticon Hang in there, buddy.
    1733 days ago
    I am with you all the way, on the rewards especially. Rewards are things that you treat yourself to, and if that's food, well, why not. It's a TREAT! No point treating your self to things you don't want or can't afford. The drama queen: You know how the conversation will go, can you take the 'personality' out of it, and go onto automatic pilot? You know, yes and no at the appropriate intervals, don't volunteer information about yourself, you know it's not wanted, and take some of the pain out of it for yourself? (Done that, been there, got the t-shirt)

    When my 'get up and go', has got up and gone, I check under the bed, and at the back of the sock drawer! emoticon

    P.S. I reward myself with beer! Now that's really naughty!
    1734 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/22/2013 5:38:57 PM
    SENIMMO I had wondered about you so much and I saw your blog on the stream. Honey I wish I was there to hug you and let you cry out all of your frustration on my shoulder. And don't say you don't need it. You need a little TLC.
    You did so much in such a short span of time. I couldn't have done that or maybe I could have but wanted to get my knee strong before I had the other done.
    It will be 3 months the 8th of June. I had a month of rehab and since have had PT at home. Today I walked a great distance for me. Yesterday went to Walgreen's and bought a few of their sale items, went to a neighboring town and had lunch with a friend. All of this w/o the walker. In fact I walk most of the time w/o the walker and am afraid of canes since I limp on my other leg and it throws me off.
    I am getting stronger but still tire easily. Rome wasn't built in a day or so they say so I will take my time.
    God bless you and emoticon
    1734 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/22/2013 1:16:22 PM
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