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    SNOWANGELDIVA   20,057
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Not Alone

Tuesday, May 21, 2013


It's no wonder they thought Gigantor was initially fine. This is him before the emergency inflation of his left lung.

I have 15 seconds to update, do my verbal diarrhea to get all this confusion and darkness that's trying to take over my cranium out and get my focus back.

[F.Y.I. 5 kids is work.]

I'm in hermit mode. It's been 2 months...or a year and 2 months to be brutally transparent.
Anyway, weeks, sometimes months of self-abuse and complete lose of focus. Seasonal employment, health, and my son trying to disappear off the face of the earth and life in general; it all kinda stressed me out.
I haven't gained because of the housekeeping job. I lost and every time I roll over my knees smash together and I think I hate that. I know I should be grateful that my stay-puff knees have evaporated, but, I'm a tossy-turny type and the knee cymbals is stupidly painful.

I refuse to wear knee pads to bed.

So, I wonder if a bit of this is my subconscious trying to chunk me up for pain-free dream discos.

or if taking responsibility for my mental health and taking the stupid little life changing pill and all the upheaval mental health recuperation entails is to blame for the gluttonfest.

or my brain has finally clued in that I am a real working mommy after being a home educater for over a decade.

or it was the whole "HOLY COW - MY- SON- ALMOST- DIED!!!" thing.

I am Miss. Piggy in the flesh. My tantrums are truly gorgeous. I've been trying to be patient and all mature-like, but, I almost died holding my breath when refraining from a fit. Instead of summoning my Inner Ninja, the quiet makes me give up.
Today I was all focused on a billion and one menial but necessary tasks and hubby asked if I was okay.

..."Um..."...no

My Inner Ninja operates best when it throws random stressing thoughts out of my mouth like ninja stars. The longer I'm quiet, the more dangerous I am.

I think I've been quiet too long.

Why?

Fear.

Always the demon I battle.

Fear of abandonment. I want to abandon before being abandoned.
I used to battle fear of attention and the responsibility of being a light in the darkness. I've become stronger because of critics. This fear I battle currently is of being abandoned.
I'm fine with flying solo, but, I wasn't meant to be an island. My pride of self-reliance was shaken to the core when I realized I NEEDED my friends. They're not an elective to my heart and my ability to function. I wasn't designed to be alone all the time in my thoughts and struggles.

Friends are a necessity.

I know I have great ones because I wasn't alone when I posted about needing prayers for Gigantor. Any friend that read my status plea, gave us support. I had a hard time releasing the stress of being a mommy to a suddenly fragile young man. I needed to vocalize it to absorb its reality. All of my family was struggling to grasp at its reality and I had no one I felt I could share the burden without adding to theirs.

I have faithful friends regardless of my worthiness.

I'm not promising that I'm here daily, it would only break my heart to set myself up for failure. Spark is excellent for accountability in all aspects of my journey and just like making time to take care of my physical self, Spark helps me with the whole package and I need it.

Update on Gigantor:
"Spontanious Pnuemothorax.
Pre Rugby game he was stretching and got a sudden pain in his chest. It was assumed it could be nerves but he was encouraged to have it looked at if it continued.
At the hospital his vitals, especially oxygen, came back perfect. It was when the Dr had Gigantor lay on the bed and his legs dangled off that the Dr got the inspiration to dig deeper. He insisted he get an x-ray...really just to quiet that voice in his head. He said tall, lean guys are prone to their lungs collapsing spontaneously. The x-ray showed that a popped cyst had left a hole for the air to leave his lung. As of today he is in the clear according to the x-rays. The hole healed itself.
Thank you for your prayers."

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KARENE10 6/9/2013 1:08PM

    Thank God your son is okay!!!!!!!!!!!! About your knees~ maybe you could put a small pillow between them? Pain free dream discos~ emoticon

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NANHBH 6/5/2013 4:08PM

    Liz,

I saw your post on FB about this and was praying for you and Gigantor. That must have been so scary for both of you! Even though I'm not getting on Spark as much as I used to, it's good to keep up with you on FB. I'm grateful for your friendship. No, you are never alone. You are always in the hearts of your Spark friends!
emoticon emoticon
Nancy

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EMELEE82 5/22/2013 7:58PM

    So happy he is ok. emoticon

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REEBADABEEBOOS 5/22/2013 6:29PM

    HUGS. I'm glad he's OK. I didn't know tall lean guys were prone to collapsed lungs, but it makes sense - it happened to my tall lean cousin.

emoticon

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_JODI404 5/22/2013 3:29PM

    You are definitely NOT alone!!

That was an unimaginable amount of stress and worry to go through. I'm so glad that it all went well, that the Dr. had such great intuition, and that he is well now without another surgery!

You can hold these things in.... but they will wait... and they will come out eventually.
You ARE worthy. True friends would NOT be burdened by listening to you and being there for you-- most likely they would do anything possible to help.

No promises are needed. Spark when you can and when you need. It's always good to hear from you Liz.

sending you a big hug!

emoticon emoticon

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JUST2SWEET 5/22/2013 12:49PM

    Good to have a blog from you, you have been missed.Thankful you son is doing well. Take care!

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GREENGEENY2 5/22/2013 9:46AM

    my oldest son plays sports, and one of my biggest fears is that something will happen, and nobody will pay close enough attention to it. He has had a heart murmur since birth. His dad had one too, but had surgery as a teenager because it never closed. My son's has never closed. Rant away. I can only imagine how I would feel in your shoes!

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PKBOO3 5/22/2013 8:15AM

    So glad to hear from you again. Been missing you. Am so glad your son is doing so well. Yes, prayer and friends help tremendously!

"Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones." Proverbs 16:24

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WISHICOULDFLY 5/22/2013 6:40AM

    I just found out about this. I am sorry you had to go through all this worry BUT I am OH SO GRATEFUL to GOD that it turned out well. Never ever underestimate the power of friends and prayers. emoticon Love ya!

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DEBBYFROMMT 5/21/2013 10:35PM

    Glad Gigantor is ok. Prayers and thoughts your way! That is a lot of stuff. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF too!

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I*AM*BLESSED 5/21/2013 10:05PM

    So glad he's doing better! Miss you, Girl emoticon

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MOSTMOM1 5/21/2013 10:04PM

    I'm sooo glad Gigantor is okay! Thank goodness for his Wolverine-like healing powers.
I was getting a little worried at your radio silence. That always gives me cause for concern. God did not create us to be alone, sweetheart. You know that. We need friends, even when they come and go, we still need them. Of course, you'll be hard-pressed to get rid of me. :)
Hang in there, kiddo!
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CRYSTLE4HIMTX12 5/21/2013 10:01PM

    So glad your baby is okay. Mama will be too. emoticon A small pillow between the knees helps. Way to not only hang in there but continue on. You got this. Even when it feels like it is sucking you down. emoticon

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RUNNERRACHEL 5/21/2013 9:02PM

    Thank God for your son's healing.

That is a lot to handle.

You are not alone and I am so glad you reached out for the support you needed. We all need. None of us is meant to be an island.

emoticon emoticon emoticon Will keep you and your family in prayer.

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TEXASFILLY 5/21/2013 8:52PM

    Father put His hand upon your sweet son and healed that hole. *hugs* Give Him the praise and glory, dear heart~ Prayers for you and yours, anytime~ *hugs* BB~ emoticon

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LIVINHEALTHY9 5/21/2013 8:40PM

    Glad Gigantor is ok.
Wow, how scary for you and your family.

Be sure to take care of you while you are taking care of your family.

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ADVENTURESEEKER 5/21/2013 8:39PM

    Big hugs. It may be all I can send, but I have been thinking about you, and said a prayer for you.

Glad to hear your son is ok!

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