It's no wonder they thought Gigantor was initially fine. This is him before the emergency inflation of his left lung.
I have 15 seconds to update, do my verbal diarrhea to get all this confusion and darkness that's trying to take over my cranium out and get my focus back.
[F.Y.I. 5 kids is work.]
I'm in hermit mode. It's been 2 months...or a year and 2 months to be brutally transparent.
Anyway, weeks, sometimes months of self-abuse and complete lose of focus. Seasonal employment, health, and my son trying to disappear off the face of the earth and life in general; it all kinda stressed me out.
I haven't gained because of the housekeeping job. I lost and every time I roll over my knees smash together and I think I hate that. I know I should be grateful that my stay-puff knees have evaporated, but, I'm a tossy-turny type and the knee cymbals is stupidly painful.
I refuse to wear knee pads to bed.
So, I wonder if a bit of this is my subconscious trying to chunk me up for pain-free dream discos.
or if taking responsibility for my mental health and taking the stupid little life changing pill and all the upheaval mental health recuperation entails is to blame for the gluttonfest.
or my brain has finally clued in that I am a real working mommy after being a home educater for over a decade.
or it was the whole "HOLY COW - MY- SON- ALMOST- DIED!!!" thing.
I am Miss. Piggy in the flesh. My tantrums are truly gorgeous. I've been trying to be patient and all mature-like, but, I almost died holding my breath when refraining from a fit. Instead of summoning my Inner Ninja, the quiet makes me give up.
Today I was all focused on a billion and one menial but necessary tasks and hubby asked if I was okay.
My Inner Ninja operates best when it throws random stressing thoughts out of my mouth like ninja stars. The longer I'm quiet, the more dangerous I am.
I think I've been quiet too long.
Always the demon I battle.
Fear of abandonment. I want to abandon before being abandoned.
I used to battle fear of attention and the responsibility of being a light in the darkness. I've become stronger because of critics. This fear I battle currently is of being abandoned.
I'm fine with flying solo, but, I wasn't meant to be an island. My pride of self-reliance was shaken to the core when I realized I NEEDED my friends. They're not an elective to my heart and my ability to function. I wasn't designed to be alone all the time in my thoughts and struggles.
Friends are a necessity.
I know I have great ones because I wasn't alone when I posted about needing prayers for Gigantor. Any friend that read my status plea, gave us support. I had a hard time releasing the stress of being a mommy to a suddenly fragile young man. I needed to vocalize it to absorb its reality. All of my family was struggling to grasp at its reality and I had no one I felt I could share the burden without adding to theirs.
I have faithful friends regardless of my worthiness.
I'm not promising that I'm here daily, it would only break my heart to set myself up for failure. Spark is excellent for accountability in all aspects of my journey and just like making time to take care of my physical self, Spark helps me with the whole package and I need it.
Update on Gigantor:
Pre Rugby game he was stretching and got a sudden pain in his chest. It was assumed it could be nerves but he was encouraged to have it looked at if it continued.
At the hospital his vitals, especially oxygen, came back perfect. It was when the Dr had Gigantor lay on the bed and his legs dangled off that the Dr got the inspiration to dig deeper. He insisted he get an x-ray...really just to quiet that voice in his head. He said tall, lean guys are prone to their lungs collapsing spontaneously. The x-ray showed that a popped cyst had left a hole for the air to leave his lung. As of today he is in the clear according to the x-rays. The hole healed itself.
Thank you for your prayers."