Tuesday, May 21, 2013
My 50th birthday was not what I had ever planned it to be.
I find myself the furthest point across the country from my home, husband, youngest son, friends and a job that I love. I miss "my life" but am here to try to save my older son's life from anorexia.
So, my life is literally shoved to the side. There is never a thank you or hint of gratitude - it is a thankless job. Most of the time he is mad at me for nagging him about food. Some days it looks like we are going to win the battle, the next day (or hour) we are losing the battle.
One good thing about birthdays is that it gives you a moment to reflect on where you have been and where you are going. It is not always the most positive reflection, especially if done honestly. But, most of the time it reminds you of who you are and that driving spirit within you that never gives up.
In my case, it was a year of conquering my first Half Marathon plus two more! I completed seven 5ks as well! And, my business held strong through another year of a seemingly endless recession. I maintained the weight I had lost for most of the year...
With all of my son's health issues the past 3 1/2 months I lost myself. I don't like the person I have become. I am sad most of the time and walk on egg shells. I am scared he is going to die and I miss my husband and my life. I am angry at my son for continuing to kill his body. My husband and I have supported him in every way possible through hospitals, therapists, nutritionists, covering bills, taking care of his house, and being with him all the time.
But this week as I reflect on the past year I realized I am pretty much at the end of trying. My son ate real good for 1 1/2 weeks and gained 8 pounds. Now he is restricting food again and losing weight. There is no excuse at this point. He still wants to move out to California. I told him I am not co-signing any lease until I am comfortable he has beat anorexia. This week I am seriously considering packing up, returning the rental car and heading home.
Yesterday as I walked Roxy I thought about my running career. We eat out at restaurants all the time, so naturally, I gained weight. With his appointments, I haven't run every day. Some days I don't run because I am just too sad. Last night, I considered stopping running all together. I am 50 years old - maybe I should give up. I was really feeling defeated, and, yes, sorry for myself.
But, as I walked, I realized I was doing what my son was doing - blaming someone else and not taking responsibility for myself. He is not eating more because I am, so, why am I? And, why am I not standing up for myself? Maybe if I do, he will. There is an anger building inside me that I realized I can use to pull me out of this rut. And I knew I couldn't use my age as an excuse! I have Sparkfriends older than me running everyday - and farther!
So, today after an early breakfast where my son, once again didn't talk to me, I laced my new, hot purple (with bright neon laces), Brooks Ravenna 4s and headed out for the 5 mile run I planned to do on my 50th birthday. I listened to my positive music and paid attention to my body, my breathing and how good it felt.
Today is a new day, this is a brand new year for me. I am going to take back control of myself and create a new plan, just for me. I will not quit. No more excuses, I can do this!