As I read over my last blog I have to smile. I remember that girl that wrote that blog. She was optimistic and energetic. She had a clean slate, a new 10 weeks to tackle her next set of goals. That girl really started strong and thought "I GOT THIS".
Fast forward to today (10 weeks later) and this girl is thinking things like "Wow. What a rough 10 weeks.", "Whew... That flew by.", "Thank goodness for the upcoming Summer Challenge." and "Man, Steph. How'd ya botch this one so badly?"
Thinking back over the past few months I do see that some ugly habits (crutches) reared their heads. Things like not tracking, some binges and as always, little to no water. And as always, I seem to slip into this behavior when I get busier than usual and my stress levels increase. I knew I was entering into a busy time. I knew that I needed to better manage my stress. I sat down, thought it out and made a plan. Meditation, positive affirmations, staying the course, more water. I figured out the how, when and why.
So why the EPIC failure? It's simple. If you don't DO the plan, it's nothing more than words on paper. Or in this case, type on the screen. I can think of a million excuses as to why I didn't DO the plan. Too tired. Too busy. Too stressed. Big project at work. I was sick. Kids were sick. And on and on. At the end of the day, or challenge as the case may be, the fact is this - I did not do the work.
I'm not being hard on myself by saying this. Yes, there were some rough days over the past 10 weeks. But overall, the plan was doable if I would have given it the focus it deserved. The focus that I deserved and still deserve. I know that life is always going to happen and my world will get turned around a bit from time-to-time. I must keep on going instead of stopping and waiting for the storm to pass.
Even after being a faithful Sparker for a few years now, this is my "thing". Some people struggle with eating veggies. Some with movement. Some with motivation. But me. I struggle with the fact that I deserve to take care of myself. That I deserve to be healthy. That I deserve some focus too.
I'm not sure what is so hard for me to accept about this truth but it's a tough one. I have these beautiful moments - complete with the sun shining and angels singing - where I feel empowered, worthwhile, self-loving and cannot be stopped. Then comes those times where I just don't pay attention to me. I lose the focus on myself and everything else takes precedence. Not only does life happen. But I let it completely take over and take full control.
I'm not sure what is going to stop this lack of focus. Maybe I never get over it but the best is that is happens less often and for a shorter duration. I'm hoping that self-focus is like a muscle in that the more I use it, the stronger it gets. I know I won't give up but I'd sure like to not have to dust myself off and get back up so much.
I do know that I'll get there or pretty darn close. I know that getting healthy isn't easy. I know that it takes time when you've taken such poor care of yourself for so long. In my case, it might take a little longer and is one of the hardest things I'll ever do. But I also know it's worth it. I know (but may temporarily forget) that I'm worth it.