Monday, May 20, 2013
I left Sparkpeople eight months ago, not sure I'd ever come back. Nothing personal against the Sparkiverse, but I just needed to clear my head and start over from scratch.
I've developed this crush on a guy who works at my job. I find him to be incredibly cute and nice. I blush whenever I talk about him. I'm still with my boyfriend of 8 years, but things have been rocky, which is why this other guy has managed to get my attention. Though I have no intention to pursue a relationship with my crush, I am in no hurry to get over it or put it behind me.
Having this crush has opened my eyes to life again. It's reminded me that I'm a person with feelings and thoughts that mean something. The possibility of somebody liking me or wanting to get to know me has been exciting. It makes me feel less invisible and has reminded me that I am a beautiful woman. Being fat hasn't taken that away from me. It's also made me want to take better care of myself, to value my appearance. Not purely for vanity's sake, but as an appreciation of the physical beauty that God has given me. But mostly it's vanity. I always thought vanity was a bad thing and I couldn't associate looking good with feeling good, but they really do go together.
I'm surrounded by negative people. These people aren't bad; they're just unhappy and don't want to acknowledge it. I get a headache listening to them and then when I hear myself saying those things, it gets worse. Who teaches us to loathe life so much? Why do we think there's so much wisdom in dissecting the negativity? It's such a waste! It's a waste of brain power, of words and of energy to be so immersed in bad thinking. The worst is doing it and not knowing you're doing it. Then you're powerless. You're a slave to it. Some people think they're so tough and so secure, but then when you really listen to them talk, you hear the self-doubt, the insecurity, the anger, the fear. You ever see those people who just frown all the time for no apparent reason? Well, you're seeing their innermost thoughts. Whenever I'm frowning, it's always because I'm thinking something bad. Nobody frowns for the hell of it.
I just got finished taking a critical thinking class in school and I learned so much about fallacious thinking, but I learned a great deal about the resistance most people put up when it comes to delving deeper into their thoughts. You won't find much so close to the surface. The real stuff is further down. I just wanted to see them all happy because every woman I know is deeply unhappy in some way. When I ask myself why I've been unhappy, it has little to do with things that have happened. It's mostly about how I've reacted to those things, the stories I've told myself. People in school and at home picked on me for being fat. So I told myself I was ugly, undesirable and that my best bet would be to fade into the background so people would stop saying mean things and so I wouldn't have to hear them anymore. Why did I do that to myself? I put myself on the sidelines of my own life! I reacted to the ignorance of others by punishing myself when I should have been putting them in their place and keeping my head up. I understand now that I felt like I didn't have a friend in the world back then. I can understand how easy it was to withdraw in order to protect myself. But I was only hiding. I wasn't drawing out the poison so the wounds never healed.
I don't know how I'm going to do this. My plan was just to push myself out of the corner, to just keep taking risks with all the things I taught myself to be afraid of. I figured that somewhere in there, I'd decide to take the risk and give myself the sexy body I've always envied on other women. As a matter of fact, I know that's what I'll do. Just don't know when it'll kick in.
In a few weeks, I'll be moving out of my mother's house and back into my own apartment. I can't wait. I was given the opportunity to resolve a lot of issues, particularly with my mother, and the rest with myself. The bottom line is that I'm amazing. I want to look better so I can feel better. It's time for my fresh start.