Random Musings. Warning: Emotional Content Matter!
Monday, May 20, 2013
So I woke up this morning and the sky was gray and the rain was misty. I checked the time and it was 5:28am but the room was a light blue which is why I guess I came awake. I sat in bed for ten minutes, just about wide awake, and I debated getting up then or at 6:10am which is after my guy gets out of the bathroom from brushing his teeth. I decided to get up then so I actually got up from the bed at 5:42am. Now this is a big deal because if I get up after 6am I have this weird thing where I have to leave with my guy at 6:30am so I can say goodbye to him. If I leave to walk the dog beforehand and it drags past 6:30am and I miss the chance to say goodbye to my guy I feel like I am starting my day off wrong. If I actually come back and find the apartment empty, it kind of depresses me. I'm sure there's a whole psychological aspect to that, maybe something about being alone or whatever, I don't know. Anywho, I got up early which meant that by 6am I was already outside walking the dog around to poo.
Stay with me here, I will get to my point soon, lol!
Anyways, I was back by the time the bf left so I felt like I was starting off ok but the damp weather really was a downer and I had to feed the dog and change into workout clothes. All of which felt like it was just TOO MUCH and I had a good two minutes in which I told myself I would not be working out today. My hair was frizzy from the rain; even if I straightened it completely it would frizz up again immediately, I knew. So I made some coffee, fed the dog, went to the bedroom and took a long look at myself. And I did not like what I saw which made me all the more depressed. On the upside though, it got me to change into my workout clothes and pick out an NTC workout. I started my workout a little after 7am (which is actually late to me) and I ended a bit after 7:30am. I didn't immediately feel better because it was still gray out and my hair was still rebelling. But I was on my way.
So here's where (I'm sure) it becomes a psychological playground for some people. I put on my biggest pair of jeans and a baggy shirt while I made some breakfast. Usually wearing big clothes makes me feel better. And this morning it just didn't. I actually feel very comfortable today (I don't like clingy clothes on any part of my body really but especially not on my bottom) but I feel like I LOOK cruddy. I trudged in to work today (even after the workout) and I felt miserable. I tried to pay attention to what I did and how I moved today and I realized that I hated the span of my hips, the bump of my abdomen, the frizz in my hair and the scars on my face (I was breaking out pretty bad from my TOM approaching). But I had one moment in which I hated it so much that I literally just wanted to crawl right back home, back into bed, go under covers and just not do any work. I do not know that I have ever felt as bad as I have been for the last few months and it feels a little like a ride that I can't get off from. I know that coming in to work will keep me on track, will keep my nutrition going because it will keep me busy and it will keep my workouts on track because I will try to get it done before I run out of time and show up to work late. But there's something missing in all of it that is not allowing me to really feel motivation to WANT to do it.
And the sad thing is that I have an average BMI (now). I fall within the right numbers, I wear medium sizes (smalls too and larges when I am in the mood for shirts that don't cling) and when I don't have any pain, I know my body can do anything I ask it to (even though it doth protest). But I have this mentality in which I try to hide behind everything. I sit up straight because I don't want to feel my waist roll up. I try not to cross my legs because I don't want to feel the jeans dig into my thighs. I don't want to wear sleeveless shirts because I don't want anyone to see my arm flab. So how do I get away from that kind of mental chatter and beration when any little thing can bring me low? I remember being thinner and I remember fitting into smaller jeans and I remember how HAPPY I was when I hit goal but I can't seem to see that mental picture through everything that is physically here and before me. So how do I break through so I can get to that version of me that was so happy and motivated and able to take on anything? I mean, I did it once before, right? And yet somehow I KNOW that this time it's harder because I never had such low days before as I do now.
Anyway I really rambled and it feels the slightest bit better to get it out of me and into a blog entry. But I just can't seem to get to where I want/need to be.