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Day 536- Accepting Myself (And a BIG Thank You to YOU!)

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Monday, May 20, 2013

First, I have to thank you all yet again for your amazing support on my blog about my proposal. Having it featured by SparkPeople twice has really allowed me to hear from people from all over who have been inspired by my story which is such an honor. I remember joining SparkPeople a year and a half ago and reading the stories of INDYGIRL and seeing how she has touched so many lives and thinking, wow that must be an awesome feeling. And now all your comments make me feel the exact same way. I cannot thank you enough for being a part of my journey.

Now as for this blog, if you've looked at the top part of my page, you've seen the weekly weigh-ins I post every week. And you've noticed that I've been stuck in the 190s since November with a brief and short lived drop into the 180s. If you go back into my blogs you will also notice that I lost my grandmother in December which triggered a bit of a "Don't care" attitude in me, where I thought, I just don't care about tracking right now.

While that may have been totally acceptable at the time, grief is grief and people deal with it differently, I never truly reestablished goals and routines for myself after that. January started my final semester of graduate school which came along with a 50 page seminar paper and the job search (that still hasn't ended) and more complacency and not tracking. I'm truly lucky that I only gained back 18 pounds, 6 of which I've lost again.

I feel like it is so important not only to share my ups but also my downs because I want people to understand that I'm a real life person who makes mistakes, and has bad days and gains weight. Changing your lifestyle isn't a magical road filled with puppies, butterflies and rainbows. There are days when you just want to BINGE and eat everything in sight. And some of those days you do, and other times you win the battle. But that doesn't mean that the war isn't still brewing.

In the same sense, every slip up doesn't warrant giving up all together. I wish I could remember where I saw the quote on SP but someone said "When you get a flat tire, do you immediately jump out of the car and slash the other three?" It's something that I think about every time I over-indulge and think about just throwing that day, week, month away as a loss.

That's how I became 275 pounds.

I got on the scale, saw that I was overweight and thought. Who cares.

I got on the scale, saw that I was obese and didn't change my ways.

I had to buy the next biggest bra, shirt, pants and thought, oh well, this is just who I am.

But it wasn't who I am. I've never WANTED to be unhealthy. I just wasn't willing to try hard enough to become healthy. Until December 3, 2011. And although I've had my ups and downs since then, I've maintained an 80 pound weight loss for 6 months since last December. So I know that when I finally do reach my goal weight, maintenance should be something I can handle.

Something I've come to terms with however is that my weight is ALWAYS going to be a struggle. There will never be a time in my life where I will be able to stop tracking. Maybe I won't write it down and log it, but I will always have to be mindful of what I'm putting into my body. I wasn't blessed with the metabolism of some of my friends, so when I choose to get that super fatty dessert or slack off on my workout routine, the numbers on the scale and my clothing will creep up. But I just have to be okay with that.

I have to be okay with being me, with my faults my weaknesses and my lousy metabolism. Because I also know that I have the drive, the will to succeed, and the ability to reach goals that I set for myself because I've already done it. Every time I gain weight now, I'm not upset with myself. I take it as a reminder of who I am and who I know I can be.

I've been with SparkPeople for 536 days today, and in 544 days I get to marry my best friend. I know that I can reach my ultimate goal weight by then and be the healthiest and happiest bride I can be. I know this because of all of you, who continue to read my blog, hold me accountable and make me want to succeed.

I will never be able to thank SparkPeople or my SparkFriends enough for how you've changed my life.

Thank you.
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