Sunday, May 19, 2013
Big thanks to everyone who commented on my "Freaking Out" blog. I was, in fact, freaking out. Perhaps prematurely, it seems. I'm still steadily losing weight but more slowly (as expected at this point). As you all pointed out to me, this is a very good thing. I'm doing the right things and showing steady progress. So, why did I have a major freak out for seemingly no reason?
This is the best way I can explain it.
Have you ever seen the movie, "Awakenings"? It is a Robert DeNiro movie from the 80's. It's the true life story of a neurologist who works with catatonic patients and develops a cure for their vegetative state. The film follows the patients as they learn to live their lives again, walking, talking and enjoying life for the first time in years. Just as the patients are getting used to the joy and heartache of living a fully engaged life, they begin slowly declining again. It turns out the cure was just temporary. They were allowed a taste of having their faculties back, but in the end, they end up right back in the vegetative state that rendered them fully catatonic in the first place. It is absolutely heartbreaking to watch them as they slowly return to their crippled, bedridden lives. Only this time, they are fully aware of all that they are losing.
Why do I bring up this movie? I think my "freak out" was motivated by a fear of regression. Since losing 60 pounds, I have felt exhilarated, worthy, beautiful, happy and like I'm growing by leaps ad bounds as a person every day. I cannot overstate how much better I feel about myself, and how much happier I am.
In the past, I have never maintained my weight. I was always, ALWAYS either gaining or losing. In my mind, if I'm not actively losing, it is only a matter of time before I find myself back where I started. And I can truly say without exaggeration that that would be a terrible fate.
When I weighed 245 pounds, I was completely out of sync with my life. Though I was accomplishing impressive things, I felt strangely out of control. Like I had no say over my own fate. Now, I'm not just living my life, I am actively shaping it and demanding the best of myself and others. Before, I was almost catatonic in a sense: awake but asleep at the wheel, watching my life and my body with a curious sense of detachment. Now, I'm present, truly living life fully everyday.
I can't go back.
So, I will keep moving forward. Maintenance is going to be such a big change for me when I get there because of this fear of inertia. But I know I will get a hold of these feelings. I know I'll continue moving towards my goals and achieve them. And I know I will be able to count on Sparkpeople, and all of you wonderful friends, along the way.