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Sad update on Son... :(

Sunday, May 19, 2013

DH and I went to pick up or Son last Thursday so that he could move back home as agreed and as we got close to where he lived, we got a call from him telling us that he wished we could come to pick him up tomorrow so that he could spend some time with his best friend. We said that since we were so close and that we had everything arranged for his his job interview, we needed to keep on the schedule. We brought him home and he seemed to be a "new and improved" version of the old. Son that we knew in the past. He was a good conversationalist, appreciative and everything we wanted in our son! I gave him a haircut, he got cleaned up and we had a good dinner together. I showed him where I kept the different foods and things in the kitchen and freezer, etc. He thanked me several times and he seemed relaxed and happy to be home. He spoke of talking to or neighbors to get different odd jobs such as yard work. It was all encouraging!
Friday we all got up, had breakfast together, he was complimentary about all the meals and DH and he worked productively on updating his resume. He took my van and went out to fill out job applications around Hartford. Later that afternoon he called us and said that his best friend had called him and was coming to our home that evening with his girlfriend and a couple of other guys. We said that Friday was going to be a family night since his sister had just gotten back from school and that we were not comfortable having people who we didn't know coming to our house. Our Son came back home, got angry with us and became oppositional/defiant (as he used to do). He said that he never should have come home and that he would have been better off staying where he was. DH got angry and wanted to push our Son to explain why he was taking that position and was trying to force him to make a decision that night. I stepped in and things became very heated between DH and me. I believe that by "backing our Son into a corner he would lash out and say things that he truly didn't mean to and I wanted DH to back off and let our Son to cool down, give it some time perhaps the next morning and then discuss things calmly. When DH was unable to have the discussion that he wanted to with our Son he packed a bag, stormed out of the house and went to our cottage saying that he could not deal with our Son anymore. Later he called me and said that I would have to choose between our Son and Him and that he would take the cottage while I could stay inour home. He calmed down the next day and wanted me to keep him "in the loop" as things progressed with our Son
Our Son was very angry, slamming doors, etc. after DH left. He decided to go downstairs and to lift weights. After some time, his sister and I went town to see how things were with him. He had calmed down and said that he wanted to go out and shoot some hoops. She joined him and they played in our driveway. They were joined by a neighbor girl from his class who had gone to live in Las Vegas and now was back in Hartford and staying with her parents. She struggled to survive in Vegas. She now had a job at a local factory and was now going back to school with plans on becoming a teacher. She joined us for a late dinner and told the kids about her plans for going to the a local tavern/restaurant to see the Karaoke night competition there Friday night. She said that they were only going to be there for a short time to see a certain person perform and asked then if they would like to join her. They both agreed and went out later that night with her.
The next thing I know is our Daughter came into my bedroom , holding a phone and tells me that our Son was picked up by the police in and is now at the police station. She gave me the phone and I talked with the officer. He told me that they found him sleeping on the lawn in front of a bank, extremely intoxicated and I would need to pay $400 to get him out because they were holding him for shoplifting charges from October. I took the last $100 from his wallet that his sister gave me and got the rest of the $ from our cash. I got him home and we put him to bed. He said that he wanted to commit suicide or to go to the hood and let someone do it for him and again said that he should have never come back to Hartford. He also said that he was an alcoholic.
Saturday Morning, I got up early and looked up the info about a drug and alcohol rehab facility which is supposed to be excellent. I called them and they said that hey would have an opening next week. I woke our Son and Daughter up. When they came down, I told our Son that he needed to go to a rehab facility and I talked about the program. Our Son said that he wouldn't go there (or anywhere) for rehab. He said things were fine where he had lived, that it is only at home that he has problems. I said that if he wouldn't go to rehab, then he couldn''t stay in our house especially since DH and I would at the cottage most of the time. He again repeated that he should have never come home and that he should commit suicide. I called the police and two officers came to our house. Since our Son was sitting on our front steps, they spoke with him there. They called ACS for a therapist to come from to assess the situation. We all stood around in our driveway waiting her arrival. Our Daughter called the girl from last night and she came to talk tour Son. The therapist from ACS finally came and spoke to him privately. After that, she came into the house and spoke with me privately. After listening to me share my pain and anguish. She said that in her opinion she couldn't commit him for assessment as he said all the right things. She wished me well. (I know I am shortchanging our conversation- she was supportive and a good listener).
Our Son then decided to call his boss to see if he could get his job back. He said that he would go back to town and if he was not able to get his room back @ the rooming house, he would sleep in the boat in the garage where he had when he was homeless. He reached his landlord and was able to go back to his old room, so he packed the van and his Sister and I drove him back to the rooming house later on Saturday. I packed as much food as I could give him along with his stuff. I hugged him, told him to keep in contact and that if he chose to come to home in the future, our original offer would be there for him. We left and then and I drove to the cottage with our Daughter.
Our Son called today and DH took the call as I was planting flowers. He had a long talk with our Son and apologized to him for being too hard on him. He reminded him that he could still come home and that the plans wouldn't have changed about him staying in our house. He told our Son that he loved him and our Son also told DH that he loved him. I spoke briefly with our Son as I had said everything yesterday when I took him back. told him that I wished that his friend had never called, but in reality he would have called our Son some time in the future, it just might have been when we were not there to stop it from happening. We wished him well and told him to keep in touch, which our Son said he would do by calling us regularly.
Our Son is where he wants to be for now and I have to accept that.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    1670 days ago
    Such a difficult time for each of you. I'm so very sorry for your heartache. Lifting you all in prayer. emoticon
    1670 days ago
    I am so sorry you are going through this. emoticon
    1671 days ago
    It's times like this when we could only wish for normal (but then, normal, if there is such a thing, sounds so boring). So sorry to hear the complicated life your son has chosen. May you and your husband continue to strive to make the right choices when it comes to the love needed to reach your family. Hug, hug -- Evelyn
    1671 days ago
    1671 days ago
    1671 days ago
    Sometimes they have to grow up on their own and then they bloom into wonderful adults.
    1671 days ago
    I'm so sorry you have these troubles but they are such common problems when adult children live at home. We had huge blowups with our kids when they came home from school and hadn't gotten settled in there own digs and they don't drink or have any problems with work or anything. it is just such a conflicting thing to have the kids that you love become so confrontationable. I hope it all ultimately works out. My thoughts are with you!
    1671 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon My heart goes out to you but you did what you needed to do. You have done the things you should have done and he knows that you are there for him. My prayers are with you and hoping that you son sees the light and returns home but it has to be his decision. May the Holy Spirit fill his heart with love and guide him on his journey!! Take care of yourself, your daughter and your DH.
    Remember you are not alone:)
    1671 days ago
    dealing with an adult child that has serious problems is heart breaking. you have to be strong. don't give up. his life could be at risk if hes in the wrong crowd. you and your husband have to find away to reach him. God be with you.
    1671 days ago
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    1671 days ago
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