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Maybe after 7 years I can get past this.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Well, I think I need to blog this out. Not sure it will make sense. I may share too much. I will just let it flow as I do sometimes.

Years ago (over 5) I went through the very most difficult time in my life. I refer to this sometimes when i mention that Aspen was there for me. Anyway, this even slapped me in the face this week when we found, let's call it a piece of clothing... that I knew was not mine.

to my knees I went. Of course this was after my morning wog and shortly before I needed to leave for work. Therefore, I had no outlet for my hurt and anger.

Let me be clear. I know my man did not cheat on me but we had a friend of his live in our house. She did her laundry here, ate here, slept here. He was helping her to get on her feet. I knew however that she had feeling towards him. It was a terrible time. I was traveling for work and it was just terrible when I was home. I ended out staying with a friend for several weekends that summer.

He said things about how boring and .... wow, that is good... I could not think of it for a moment there. I was frumpy and he had no interest in evening being my friend.

I have always wondered what happened. What did he not see in me? What did I do? What has changed? Does he still feel this way? Will he feel this way again.

Well, I think yesterday we got to the bottom of it. I think it was subconscious payback for him being alone for so long, years. I was traveling with work. I had friends at work. He mentioned when I traveled and we were in St. Louis, he knew people. He had friends to talk to, things to do.

Then when we moved here and I still traveled all week he was all alone. I had no idea how this must have hurt him. I am not sure what went through his head. He was always supportive of my work but I know it had n impact on our relationship.

I guess he found someone that needed help, and she did. But then she took FULL advantage. He entertained her. Took her out and did things like kayak even. My kayak of course. I guess maybe he saw that I did not choose him. I had others to spend time with on the road. Note, in reality it was all work but yes, I eat with my team and co-workers. I am thinking now that he chose her over and over (which killed me) because he was hurting.

At the time I know he saw me as fragile and insecure. He felt I had no reason in the world to be insecure and it just frustrated him more and more when I acted as the victim. I think he felt the victim for so long. How could I come home asking for his attention.

As crazy as it sounds this helps me. It tells me that maybe it was not me. Maybe it was the situation, my behavior. That is HUGE to me.

I guess this sums it up. He says he is so very grateful that I stayed. I had mentioned that he would have been out the door in a minute if I treated him the way he treated me. I do honestly know that he saw things totally differently from his viewpoint. He was not hurting anyone. He was helping her. She ended out burning him big time in the end. She turned on him at work when she FINALLY realized that he was not going to GET him, that he was not interested in that way. It took forever for her to realize because of course he was there for her and they were doing everything together.

Anyway, moral of my story is that I need to continue to work hard on me and to be strong and independent. I need to be happy with me when I look in the mirror. I need to remember that I am most important.

I also need to somehow better consider how my actions impact him. I need to not travel anymore. Things have been better this year, since I am not traveling. He even brought up how hard it was when I was traveling with my last job to Europe, how he had to be responsible for EVERYTHING and I know again he was alone.

Maybe finally after 7 or so years I can let go of this. It has always be there in the corner of my thoughts.

I am strong. We are strong together. I know that. He is a good man.

One other very important thing. I found comfort in knowing that when I had time to blog that I had friends here that would understand. OR maybe they would not understand AND that was ok because no matter what I know that I have friend here that are not judging me and are there for me. It is amazing how much that means to me. Aspen was always the only one that was there.

Thank you for being there.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    What a heartfelt and amazing blog. You are sooooo strong and truly introspective. I am so proud of you to be able to work through all of this in your head and to come to such an understanding of your situation...then and now. Not many people could do that. Impressive. I think blogging is really helpful...guess what? Not just for you but for those of us who get to share in your insight. Thank you. emoticon
    1549 days ago
    Only you are the one living in your relationship. I does help to blog to get your thoughts and feelings out there. I'm glad you've had the opportunity to really hash this out with him. Good luck and God bless!
    1551 days ago
    May God bless your marriage as you continue to heal and move forward. Get Blog!!!
    You are such a super person and I wish you all the best in your many more years together.
    Continued blessings and hugs,
    1551 days ago
    I can feel the compassion and love in your words. Good Luck!
    1551 days ago
    That is a lot to carry around and I can see how it would hit you very hard when the past came back alive this week. Yes, you are a very strong person and I know how important your relationship is. I"m glad you talked about this all. I hope your heart is lighter now. Hugs!
    1552 days ago
    You are a far more understanding and forgiving person than I think I would have been if faced with the situation you were faced with. Had he been discontent due to your traveling, it was his responsibility to communicate that to you, not take another woman into your home while you were away. His choices are a reflection of him, not you, so never feel like it was something you did or didn't do. When two people make a commitment to each other, that commitment shouldn't hinge on whether one of them gets frumpy or has to travel for work. That said, hopefully he has grown and changed since that time and has learned to value and respect you more as a person. It sounds like he has since he says he's grateful that you stayed. I'm sorry you went through that difficult time and I'm glad things are better now. emoticon
    1552 days ago
    Reserving my words and listening with my emoticon .
    Gentle emoticon
    1552 days ago
  • CHERYLA2012
    Trust issues... I have them... in abundance. My husband knew this going into our relationship. Long story short... blah blah blah... almost 26 years of marriage later...

    The time I invested in myself to get the root of my trust issues, PTSD, psychological problems stemming from my father abandoning us when I 5, etc., and be authentic and true to myself and let him and others I consider family in to see the "real" me has been the best thing I could ever have done for myself.

    Like weight loss, these were my problems and issues, and the only one who could do the work necessary to get past the fears and phobias, etc. was me - which means it's sometimes lonely and scary - but what I want is on the other side of that lonely and scary place so I just kept going.

    Being in a better headspace makes me a better person because I genuinely like myself.

    I have done more of this type of work on myself as I have been here on SP and will continue doing it.

    I am the one who has to live in my head with me and I choose not to lie to myself anymore or be unhappy. I have the power to change if I want to - so I do it.

    You want it? You got it. Go do it!!

    Not my place to ever judge - it's my place to listen and be supportive.

    You want that? You got that from me!

    1552 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/18/2013 7:02:39 PM
    I hope getting all this out there will help you truly move past it.
    1552 days ago
    1552 days ago
    You have come so far and yes, you are strong! I think many of us have moments of weakness - how we respond is the key.
    Keep moving forward!
    1552 days ago
    Good luck....In all honesty....I think maybe you should kick him to the curb....You are worth more than this guy can give you....Hope you don't take this the wrong way....I just think women need to realize their potential and self worth...Get yourself together and find a real man that is worthy of YOU.... emoticon emoticon
    1552 days ago
    Five years is probably not bad for such a deep wound. and yes, you will find healing by doing. Forgive, and look for growth and wisdom from the lesson that life has provided.
    Use grateful and gentle words in your thoughts and the bitterness and hurt will pass.

    I was on a ten year track - BUT I GOT THERE!

    1552 days ago
    wow how strong you must be I know that I could not do that at all I would never be able to face him with out wondering if it had gone just that one step beyond friendship
    I was the one who had to stay home and I did not help others out it was just me and my child but he did have ""friends"" on the side and I found out I was crushed and I am single because of it I was not able to move forward
    You are a fantastic person and so strong

    keep moving forward never give up

    1552 days ago
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