Well, I think I need to blog this out. Not sure it will make sense. I may share too much. I will just let it flow as I do sometimes.
Years ago (over 5) I went through the very most difficult time in my life. I refer to this sometimes when i mention that Aspen was there for me. Anyway, this even slapped me in the face this week when we found, let's call it a piece of clothing... that I knew was not mine.
to my knees I went. Of course this was after my morning wog and shortly before I needed to leave for work. Therefore, I had no outlet for my hurt and anger.
Let me be clear. I know my man did not cheat on me but we had a friend of his live in our house. She did her laundry here, ate here, slept here. He was helping her to get on her feet. I knew however that she had feeling towards him. It was a terrible time. I was traveling for work and it was just terrible when I was home. I ended out staying with a friend for several weekends that summer.
He said things about how boring and .... wow, that is good... I could not think of it for a moment there. I was frumpy and he had no interest in evening being my friend.
I have always wondered what happened. What did he not see in me? What did I do? What has changed? Does he still feel this way? Will he feel this way again.
Well, I think yesterday we got to the bottom of it. I think it was subconscious payback for him being alone for so long, years. I was traveling with work. I had friends at work. He mentioned when I traveled and we were in St. Louis, he knew people. He had friends to talk to, things to do.
Then when we moved here and I still traveled all week he was all alone. I had no idea how this must have hurt him. I am not sure what went through his head. He was always supportive of my work but I know it had n impact on our relationship.
I guess he found someone that needed help, and she did. But then she took FULL advantage. He entertained her. Took her out and did things like kayak even. My kayak of course. I guess maybe he saw that I did not choose him. I had others to spend time with on the road. Note, in reality it was all work but yes, I eat with my team and co-workers. I am thinking now that he chose her over and over (which killed me) because he was hurting.
At the time I know he saw me as fragile and insecure. He felt I had no reason in the world to be insecure and it just frustrated him more and more when I acted as the victim. I think he felt the victim for so long. How could I come home asking for his attention.
As crazy as it sounds this helps me. It tells me that maybe it was not me. Maybe it was the situation, my behavior. That is HUGE to me.
I guess this sums it up. He says he is so very grateful that I stayed. I had mentioned that he would have been out the door in a minute if I treated him the way he treated me. I do honestly know that he saw things totally differently from his viewpoint. He was not hurting anyone. He was helping her. She ended out burning him big time in the end. She turned on him at work when she FINALLY realized that he was not going to GET him, that he was not interested in that way. It took forever for her to realize because of course he was there for her and they were doing everything together.
Anyway, moral of my story is that I need to continue to work hard on me and to be strong and independent. I need to be happy with me when I look in the mirror. I need to remember that I am most important.
I also need to somehow better consider how my actions impact him. I need to not travel anymore. Things have been better this year, since I am not traveling. He even brought up how hard it was when I was traveling with my last job to Europe, how he had to be responsible for EVERYTHING and I know again he was alone.
Maybe finally after 7 or so years I can let go of this. It has always be there in the corner of my thoughts.
I am strong. We are strong together. I know that. He is a good man.
One other very important thing. I found comfort in knowing that when I had time to blog that I had friends here that would understand. OR maybe they would not understand AND that was ok because no matter what I know that I have friend here that are not judging me and are there for me. It is amazing how much that means to me. Aspen was always the only one that was there.
Thank you for being there.