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Ruscuro-The Rat


Friday, May 17, 2013

I have not added a blog in a while so heres whasssup. I have been doing well with exercising up until this week. Zumba was canceld for Mothers Day thats where i depend on my biggest exercise session of the week. Since it was Mothers Day I let myself be treated. Ate more that I needed too, but not horrible. But exercise has been hard to find this week. Monday I did Ripped in 30 (Week 1-again!) even tho I was not 100% just 2 days into ya know-that time. Then I took Tuesday off (mistake) because well I did exercise the day before and I was still well-ya know. So then, awards night for Cheer on Wed (Abby did awesome we are so proud - her team took 1st place and she was recognized for stepping up at competition and covering for someone out) so no C25K, then Thursday, end of the year 5th grade performance (I cant believe she will be in middle school next year-Im not ready!) So here I am and I will do either Jillian or C25K tonight, I dont know whats my better bet. I will burn more and get sweaty with Jillian, but Im also a WEEK out of practice on jogging. Someday, I hope, I will look forward to it. Someday-I pray. I hear the runners say how much they love it, and Im just NOT there yet.
Works going well. I found out Im a rat. I mean I HATE people who tattle, and I couldnt stand the little B in my office (who is gone now thankfully) who was always up in everyones business. I now find out Im one too. I feel so guilty, I wish I hadnt said anything. But dang it, people were acting unprofessional, and Im not their boss so who am I to tell them what to do? So I just mentioned to my boss, and I didnt have to. Ugh, I hate this kind of crap! Someday I will know how to handle these situations, which for now continue to baffle me. I mean I noticed that the guy was getting the wrong pay rate for 3 months, and got him an extra $500 on his check. I noticed the chick that was punching in on an outside computer-and she got fired. And the thing today, it was just one of those things like-its just common sense, you shouldnt have to tell people NOT to eat right where someone is doing paperwork with a new hire, right? I mean, courtesy. I was flabbergasted, and I guess I could have suggested the girl go somewhere else-but Im not her boss. I really wish I had just said something to her tho instead of being a rat. I thought my boss was in her office and would pop her head out and see what was going on and say something to her. But I guess she had walked away right then.
Anyhow, thats my week. Going on vacation to SanDeigo next weekend, I got a new swimsuit but I guess for what-it will be to cold to go swimming much. It just came in the mail yesterday-I havent tried it on and I am loathing the thought of it.
Also, I received my Fitness magazine yesterday. In it, an article called 'Can you be FAT and FIT?' . And of course you can. But it depressed me (as did the issue before with its 'Swimsuits for Every Shape!' and they all were pretty much bikinis- great. Apparently not 'FAT' shapes.) Anyhoo, this article says that yes of course you can be fit and be 'larger' and that the new science says that being overweight is not inherently 'bad' for your health if you are physically fit. That we had a 'natural set point' for our size and sometimes no matter how hard you work, you will stay that size. Something too about how upping the exercise actually lowers your metabolic rate to conserve calories, so you are actually burning LESS calories just sitting around. What the what? Not FAIR! It made me sad. I so want to be fit for health alone, to be able to run a 5K, to be strong. I want to want that. But I know, my real reason I workout is I hope-someday, if I work REALLY hard, I will get that size 10body again and my husband will want to have sex with me. Cuz honestly, the things he has said make it clear he is totally turned off my size. And I have the worst self image Iv ever had in my life. He said in counseling that he just wants me to exercise to be healthier, but I dont believe him. I wont even let him see me naked, I was never like this before, even when I was heavier, I always felt good about how I looked. But now-he hasnt seen me naked in 3 years. And we have only barely had sex 2 times earlier this year, before that it had been almost 2 years. I feel horrible about myself.And Im just afraid. Im afraid I will never get 'there'. And if I get 'there' that it wont change anything.
Im sorry to lay all that out there, and Im sure I will get flack for 'how depressed i sound' and saying stuff thats too personal. But thats real damn it, thats the stuff that holds me back from being motivated, thats the crap that makes me drop out and give up. As much as I want to be successful here on SP if I dont tell the truth then Im only hurting myself. And Im sick of it.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
CLWALDRO 5/18/2013 7:59AM

    I hope you have fun and stay active while in SanDiego. It is a beautiful place. My DH grew up there and his grandmother lived there most of her life.
I think I understand some of how you feel about sex and your husbands actions. I sometimes feel my DH is more like a co-worker than a DH. Be very careful how you tie food to feelings it can be very dangerous.
I hope you can come to terms on your work issues because i have no advice for that at all. I try to keep to myself but tell others at a private conversation that they should change their behaviors using company policy not my own opinion.
You said you have a 5th grade daughter so try to keep her in mind as you make food and activity choices each day. She needs a healthy, happy mom to love her.
I hope you have a better day

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SUSANBEAMON 5/18/2013 12:40AM

  confession is supposed to be good for the soul. when we hate ourselves, that is not healthy. witnessing what we think is wrong with ourselves and our bodies and our minds is the first step to correcting them and making us feel better and getting better. good for you. keep it up.

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