I have to keep reminding myself of this. After my freak out and Weight Watchers debacle this week, I feel myself calming down a bit. I have a bit of nostalgia going and I feel a bit down.
I miss the days of diets.
How fu%ked up is that? I can't believe I am even admitting that out loud. I think back to when I first started up with Sparkpeople and how new and exciting it all was. I felt like a sponge trying to soak it all up. I was learning the tools and loved the Stages (before you had to pay for them anyway). Workouts were new and a struggle for me. Eating healthy was also a challenge. Pop was my best friend. But I changed a LOT when I fought hard to lose the weight and it didn't really take me that long. I hit my goal weight and was able to maintain that until I got pregnant.
I look at things now and see that I eat healthy like 90% of the time. I have treats, the occasional pop (Oh but GAWD does an ice cold Coke taste good with a piping hot piece of pizza), fruits and veggies are mainstays in my fridge, whole grain bread occupies my cupboard, I workout now because I LOVE IT. The scale has not budged.
So I can look at it in one of two ways: either I can be pissed that there has been zero movement in the scale or I can see that my life is entirely different with how I approach food and exercise.
Fact of the matter is this: no, I am not at my happy weight. No, I am not at the size I would consider my ideal. No, I am not losing weight on the scale. HOWEVER, my lifestyle is in check.
I talk a lot about my pendulum swinging wildly from wanting to jump into the next big thing with eating trends (I will restrain from saying diet...) and calorie restriction to finding peace with where I am at. I have been sucking up just abotu everything on the Eating the Food page and see that I am certainly NOT the only person who goes through this.
Self acceptance is hard. Finding inner peace is even more difficult. Being seduced by The Next Best Thing from the dieting industry is easy. Someone on the ETF page suggested, I just work from within to find my happy medium. Not jumping into the next diet or weight watchers or clean eating fad but find how I can work with myself to make change. As we all know, we aren't one size fits all. What works for one, doesn't work for another. I am not at my happy weight. I do have muscle but it is covered by a layer that I don't like. I know that I can workout until the cows come home but that isn't going to change a damn thing until I figure out the food thing.
I hate tracking calories, I really do. It sucks. So, I bought me another Fitbook for a "happy mother's day to me" present (okay that was my justification to do it
) and I am going to work over the next 12 weeks to find that happy medium. I do think that I can work to be happier with myself but with the knowledge that I don't have to be complacent to do so. I can find that inner peace and let that be my guide to help me figure it out.
Because, truly it isn't a race. It isn't ready.... set.... go..... lose weight! If that was it, I would have long since been disqualified. My road since having baby has been riddled with ups and downs and fragments of 'i can do this' and loads of frustration.
I can do this. If it takes me awhile to figure it out, I am good with that. I have my health and as far as I see it, everything else comes second. I can figure out the weight thing, the exercise thing and the food thing along the way. It isn't a race to the finish, it is a (insert corny cliche line that gets waaaaaaaaaaay overused) journey.
So with that, I am finishing out my rest week and am going to rock it out next week with a new revamped workout plan!