"Linger" - The Cranberries
Friday, May 17, 2013
I am not sure what happened yesterday. Something (probably my reflection in the mirror) triggered something. You know what? Let's back up a bit.
Yesterday went well. I have stayed within my caloric intake all week (I actually just checked to make sure I really did!) and yesterday was no exception. The only difference with yesterday is that something about my reflection and my current size got me thinking about the future. When I lose the weight, what am I going to look like? How is my body going to adjust? Will it adjust? My body hasn't been at it's natural weight (whatever that is) in over 15 years. I have always been at least 40lbs on the heavy side ever since I was in a car accident at 19. What happened yesterday is that something in the back of my mind triggered those fearful, hopeless emotions inside me. Whatever feelings were evoked floated just out of reach in the back of my mind and just lingered. They did that for the latter half of the day and towards the end of the day I found myself fighting the urge to hit McDonalds on my way home. I DID fight it all the way home. Thankfully, that was a fight that I won, but still, it was tough. While fighting it, I also analyzed it. Why did I want to go and get McDonalds? If it was burgers I wanted, I had turkey burgers at home. It's funny. I can still recall the false sense of satisfaction that I would have received if I had stopped and given in. You know what I am talking about. That satisfaction of eating what you like to sate whatever turbulent emotions are swirling around inside you. We all have them.
As I said, I resisted temptation yesterday. Instead of eating a bunch of McDonalds cheeseburgers, I instead got home and made myself turkey burgers. The only bad thing is that I ate four of them. While I did win the physical fight to not stop at McDonalds, I ended up losing the emotional one. I ate more than I needed because I wanted to feel better. The problem is that it is just temporary. Even after I ate it, I was physically uncomfortable. I ate too much. I was past full.
But, today is a new day. While some of those emotions from yesterday are still lingering, I can claim a victory. I didn't stop at McDonalds.
Suck it McDonalds.
Edit: I just added the salad I forgot I had yesterday, so I was actually over by about 150.