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Weak but still going

Friday, May 17, 2013

When I started this journey 20 months ago I did it for me. Sure it is nice to think of your family and friends as motivation but I want this so badly for me and no one else. I don't want to be inspiring or motivating . I don't go all out in the hopes that the person on the next treadmill says wow look if she can do it i can do it. That is a lot of pressure when people look at you like that. And honestly I don't think about it in those terms. When I go to bed at night time I want to know that I gave all i had to the day and was the best I could be for ME .

I came clean to a gym member that tells me every time he sees me "you inspire me so much". I told him well you didnt see me on my defeated day. The past Monday I was defeated and I don't say that lightly either. Let me take you through this.

I get up have coffee feeling great and then I take a 2 mile walk nothing fancy it took about 40 minutes to do I hardly even broke a sweat. Then I am back home cleaning the house and prepping dinner for later. Time moves on and i am waiting to get to the gym. I get to start the new program , we are now going to include weights for the first time ever and i supper excited about it. I have six weighted machines that i am going to start on this night and wow look at how far I have come. Soooooo, i get to the gym at 530 in the evening and because i cant get into the pool till after six for water routine . I put the gear away in my gym locker yep i have one lol. any ho ... back out on the floor I jump on the arc and bust out 20 minutes of intense cardio .. oh then we move over to the circuit and we bust that out in about 20 minutes .. oh boy here we go the weighted machines ... The ab crunch machine (70 pounds per rep) 3 sets of 10 still going good but a little tired, next we go to pull down ( 50 pounds per rep) 3 sets of 10 good but a little shaky, the chest press is at 50 pounds per rep and this is where it starts. I have to lower the weight down and even then I am struggling but i do get 3 sets of 10. and this is really where super woman should have stopped but nooooo i didnt . Next machine the shoulder press at 50 pounds per rep .. nope didnt happen I lowered the weight and got the first set of 10 at 30 pounds took the 20 second rest and went to lift again and omg i am really in pain but i must go on after 5 reps I am hurting and i finally after 20 months say I cant do it. my heart is wounded with myself. so i give up on the weights and move to the pool. This is where this gets really ugly .. i love the pool and i so look forward to it when it is time to do the water workout . Well i get to the pool and there is someone else in there and i have to workout to no music for a while and I was already upset but i didnt realize how bad till the man left the pool area and i was alone . I got out started my music and get back in and i am back at it and my foot slips and now for no reason I am crying which pisses me off . I sling the board across the pool and for the first time ever emotions followed me in the gym. I have me crying defeated temper tantrum for about 15 minutes and then i get dressed come home and when i get here I lay across my bed and cry for the next two hours while my husband is beside himself trying to figure out how to make this stop. I just keep telling him I am tired, I cant do this , after the work i have done i am weak . I felt defeated because i couldnt do all the weights that were assigned to me. I wanted to give up and go back to not caring about all this stuff. It is an exhausting process that is brutal some days and on Monday night it took its toll. So Tuesday i get up and decide i am not going to the gym . I will not suffer the humiliation again so all day i licked my pride until 6 in the evening and went for a two mile walk and while out on that walk I said to myself really this is where we have come to . I came in and started researching weights and adding weights to the workout . On Wednesday morning i get up and i go to the gym and I do a good water workout but i couldnt step back on the dry floor. So on Thursday I get up and i go to the gym and i attack the dry gym. I do 10 minutes on the Arc, move to the shoulder press that is now set to 10 pounds for 3 sets of 10, The tricep press that is at 70 pounds for 3 sets of 10 and the leg press that is at 50 pounds for 3 sets of ten. Go back to the Arc for another 15 minutes and then did the circuit.

Now I have figured out what the rest of world already knows I AM NOT SUPER WOMAN. I also neglected to research weight training before I jumped off into it. I let my emotions control me in the water instead of me controlling them. I have my moments that are less inspiring and this is one I was glad that no one was around to witness. I have now addressed all the beginning weights and set up a routine that incorporates a little at the time instead going all out. If we were as strong as our weakest moments then right now I would be able to bend steel . So there it goes now I have shared the woes of weight training for me. I might be physically weaker than I thought but I know i am stronger mentally for going back and getting back to it . Now for a tad of a atta girl I didnt binge eat during this whole time I actually stayed on track so that says something i promise that the little debbie cakes are still on top of the freezer lol .
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    What a wonderful NSV. In the past those Little Debbie cakes would probably have been history. You are doing great! Keep up the good work.
    1739 days ago
    I LOVE this blog, and think it's indicative of a huge step forward for you! How do we know if we're pushing enough if we never find our limits? In no time at all you'll be setting new goals past what you couldn't manage the first time.

    The crying was just another example of your body readjusting to this new standard you have set for yourself. I SO admire your commitment and dedication~ don't push so hard all the time that you forget to look back once in awhile at how far you've come!
    1741 days ago
  • TERESA159
    You have such a great attitude! You aren't afraid of ANYTHING. You get out there and try new things and you keep pushing yourself to do more. You, my dear Spark friend, are a winner. So you had a bad day. That's allowed. You dealt with it the way you know how, a good crying jag. Now it's in the past and you know to take a step back on the weights and go about it a bit more slowly. Take what you learned and move forward (but I bet you already have).

    Love reading your blogs!!!
    1741 days ago
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