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Friday, May 17, 2013

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list. -Conan O'Brien

Today President Obama and Joe Biden met with South Korean President Park Geun-hye, who is known as South Korea’s ‘Iron Lady.’ Or as Biden put it, ‘Can you introduce me to Iron Man?’ -Jimmy Fallon

Over the weekend, Arnold’s son Patrick Schwarzenegger was kicked out of a nightclub in Hollywood. Apparently, Patrick threatened the DJ. It was a chaotic scene. Security rushed in and said, ‘Which one of you is Schwarzenegger’s kid?’ And 50 people raised their hands. -Craig Ferguson

CNN anchor Carol Costello was robbed of her iPhone in broad daylight while walking down the street in Atlanta. Unfortunately it was on CNN, so there weren’t any witnesses. -Jay Leno

Yesterday President Obama spoke at Ohio State's graduation, and told students that it's their responsibility to make the world a better place. It got awkward when students were like, 'Wait, isn't that literally your responsibility? -Jimmy Fallon

PETA is really upset at Chris Christie for killing a spider in front of a group of school children. Governor Christie said, 'If PETA is upset by that, they do not want to know what I had for lunch today.' -Conan O'Brien

Top Ten Thoughts People Have About Sandwiches

10. "Sure, I'll have a sandwich"
9. "Is the second date too early for a French dip?"
8. "Honestly, screw wraps"
7. "Is America ready for its first gay sandwich?"
6. "Do I want a 12-inch or a foot-long?"
5. "Has the United States Treasury considered a sandwich-backed currency?"
4. "What does BLT stand for?"
3. "When will this country lift the ban on Cuban sandwiches?"
2. "When I say 'hold the pickles' I'd actually like to hold the pickles"
1. "Grinder? I just met her!"

David Letterman

If Obama can't take our guns, he'll make sure you can't put anything in them. After that, he's going to come after Rush by buying up all the hookers and canned frosting. -Jay Leno

"A new study found out that having money and good looks does not make you happy. On the other hand, being broke and ugly is no day at the beach either." -Jay Leno

"The miniseries 'The Bible' was a big hit. Now it's being cut down to three hours so that it can be released in theaters. And apparently theaters will be able to feed an entire audience with just one bucket of popcorn." -Jimmy Fallon

"They say that when you have a baby, you lose 700 hours of sleep in the first year, but it's worth it when they're old enough to do the yard work." -Craig Ferguson

There’s a new iPhone app that tells women where they can buy Michelle Obama’s clothes. Not only that — there’s another app that tells men where they can buy Hillary Clinton’s clothes. -Jimmy Fallon
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New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was in Texas today for the dedication of George W. Bush’s presidential library. The library is already done, but they brought in Christie for a second ground breaking. -Jimmy Fallon

Top Ten Phrases You Don't Want To See In An Online Dating Profile

10. "Never convicted"
9. "Probably a tapeworm"
8. "Rest in peace, Qaddafi"
7. "Mommy says I'm handsome"
6. "95% bedbug-free"
5. "Casino restroom attendant"
4. "Face tattoo"
3. "Limbaugh-esque"
2. "Per hour"
1. "Twice, with Andy Dick"

David Letterman

I guess that’s better than its original title, Disasterpiece Theater. (on the “Decision Points Theater” exhibit at the Bush Presidential Library) -Jon Stewart
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