I hate to admit it,but I have been binging since last Tuesday.
But I have to face it because it's consuming me and it has to stop.
I think it started because I got too tired - I had worked really hard all week-end and had not gotten enough sleep.
By Tuesday I was exhausted and ended up binging.
Now i'm not sure if I binge because I feel like the food will make me less tired, or if being over tired makes me not be able to deal with life's emotional upsets.
All I know is the last binge I had was for the same reason...being too tired.
So....pattern to remember here.
Usually my binges don't last long or are not too bad, but this time there is no stopping it.
I have gone into the "diet mentality mode" of "eat today and diet tomorrow".
I'm not sure why on that one because I had been eating sensibly before this insanity took over.
I am tired and bloated and , oh GOD , I don't want to get on that scale Saturday!
Last night I had a box of vachons.
1/2 while going to a meeting I did not really want to go to and 1/2 while going home from the meeting. That is besides the rest of the food.
I have not been going to zumba or walking or doing anything else but eating and vegging on the couch watching tv.
I know what is really bothering me and i'm hoping that writing about it will help me work through the feelings and get me to stop this craziness.
My daughter is graduating this June, but she is not living with me.
She moved out last summer and I have been dealing with it as best I can(more like trying to ignore the hurt and shame).
In the last few months I have been living with lots of regrets about a lot of stuff in my life -things I did or did not do with my daughters- and they're not good feelings.
I have regrets about the time i'm missing with my daughter which should be good times, but for me, there very sad times right now,and i'll never get them back.
I passed high school kids waiting for the school bus, and I had such a sadness because I should be seeing my daughter at the curb.
But she's not there.
Even going to by a prom dress. We were supposed to go together but she went with her friend instead. That hurt.
Parents talking about their kids achievements make me really uncomfortable.
I try to pretend it doesn't bother me all the time, but it really hurts so much.
I have this perpetual sadness and emptiness inside of me and right now i'm trying to fill it with food.
It's working because it's making me numb, but one day i'll have to stop eating and the pain and sadness will be back and i'll be 250lbs again.
And then what?
The meeting I went to last night was about the graduation banquet that's held every year and I felt really out of place because all those parents are such great parents and are sharing so much with their children right now that I felt such envy and regrets and shame.
I did the best I knew how to raise my daughters,but, it comes down to not doing enough.
My husband keeps telling me that it's not my fault and that we have to look at the positive in all this...like -we know where she is and she lives in a nice apartment - she is still in school - she is helping her friend raise her 2 year old daughter and they're taking great care of her - she is still talking to us and knows she is never stuck.
I know all this, but it still hurts.
Finally admitting it is making me feel a little better, and the cry I had while writing it will hopefully be cleansing so that I will start making better food choices and will get back on track to goal.
I have not been sharing this with anyone,but I think it's time I do, especially my husband.
Thanks for being there and have a nice day.