Thursday, May 16, 2013
WHEW. It feels like it's been forever since I was able to check in here...I'm not even sure where to start catching up!
Maybe I should start with the present first. I'm really glad I'm back here; there are a slew of vulnerabilities I'm facing today, and I was *this* close to bingeing when I got home instead of coming to SparkPeople. This morning I skipped my run to sleep in because I was so stressed about meeting my advisor, because I hadn't done much since our last meeting due to the trip to Zion National Park, and then another 1-day trip back to my parents' place. Yesterday this same stress was so overwhelming I binged really badly (after a 9 day binge-free streak).
So basically this whole morning was a big huge challenge. I definitely overate and was starting to binge right before leaving for campus to see my advisor, but I just forced myself to go instead of cancelling, and this stopped what would have definitely turned into a binge. However, after that meeting I was still struggling with the general frantic feeling of being behind, and the black-and-white thinking of "well I'm still feeling bad and exhausted, and I already messed up this morning, might as well go home and just finish that binge" was really strong. But I fought it. And I'm here now, and I haven't started to binge again. I hope I can find the strength to not give in the rest of today - the day after a really bad binge is always hardest for me.
Hopefully blogging here will help me to at least delay the urges longer, if not allow them to completely dissipate.
The trip was to Zion National Park and it was so beautiful there. I had a great time. A group of us left Thursday after work, drove to Vegas, crashed there for a night, got up early again to get some campsites in the park, where we were met with a bunch of other people, some from our city, others from other cities or even states or countries. On the organizing spreadsheet there were 30 names, and I knew only 4 of them (and not even that well). Various groups did different things...running, hiking, canyoneering, climbing...just a lot of fun with a big group who all love the outdoors. Most of us went home on Sunday.
+ May 6-14 were days I did not binge. 9 days!!!
+ "Well I'm still feeling bad and exhausted, and I already messed up this morning, might as well go home and just finish that binge" Counter: You overate and started to binge this morning, and you stopped it. That is not a bad morning...you started to turn things around, so don't let the urges cause you to waste the rest of your day! You just had a great streak of not bingeing, and the faster you get back on track, the easier things will be. It's all practice, practice, practice - so practice not emotionally eating/using behaviors when you're not hungry. There are tons of things you need to do, even little things, so try and do those instead of giving up and giving in to the urges to avoid everything by bingeing. There is still most of the day ahead of you. Try to make the rest of it as good as possible!
+ Part of stopping the binge deserves its own point. I faced my anxiety and fear this morning and went to meet with my advisor, rather than running away and cancelling and wasting more of the day.
+ I endured a fairly high level of discomfort on the trip because I did not know the majority of the people and was insecure about whether or not they'd like me, but I took on that challenge, tried to break out of shyness, and believe I met some really neat people. I am even going to a post-trip potluck party with some of them on Friday.
+ I'm happy because even though I am behind with my research work, being behind is WAY better than being stuck. I have a lot of tasks to move forward with and I am just really grateful for that. This is such a contrast to last year.
+Despite not formally tracking my mindful meal or doing my food log since I last wrote here, I have still really made an effort to make as many meals as possible mindful.