I really do.
Well, maybe not exercise itself. It's more true to say that I absolutely hate the idea of exercising. No matter what it is - and in these now almost 10 years since I began my transformation, trust me, I've tried EVERYTHING - I dread it.
In fact, the mere thought of having to change and get into my exercise gear and do whatever I have planned for the day triggers a deep response of loathing from my over involved brain. "You're going to run? Why bother?" it asks, "Go sit on the couch until this feeling passes!"
"We have a deep water aquafit class tonight? Is that the one where she makes you do barrel rolls and you DO them? Seriously - there's wine at home - let's skip it."
"Yoga? Again? ugh - all that stretching and breathing and stuff - can't we just get a burger?"
On and on - my brain tells me constantly that I hate exercise and shouldn't be bothered to do it. It always offers excuses and reasons and options that don't involve sweat or a change of clothes.
It becomes especially obnoxious just before one of our big back packing or canoe trips. "That pack is heavy - you're going to hate carrying it for 6 days. You know there are mountains in Yosemite... right?"
"5 days on paddling? Are you %^$#ing kidding me?"
In fact, the dread of the inevitable exertion is so powerful that I make myslef unbearable to be around. My poor husband doesn't get it - after 30 years, he's stopped trying to figure me out. I've stopped trying to figure myself out. Because, once I'm actually doing the exercise, I feel pretty good and, when it's done? I feel like a million dollars. So I know that, despite the dread and the mental strain of fighting the anti-exercise gremlin who lives in my head, I know something else.
I know I cannot, in any way, maintain this 85lb loss into my mid-50's without it. I cannot live the active, healthy, fit lifestyle I crave without it. I cannot wear my sexy jeans and tight pencil skirts without it. I cannot maintain my health without it. I cannot fight off the rampant cardiovascular disease that plagues my family without it. I cannot manage my menopause without it. No matter how much I hate it - absolutely hate it - I cannot live without it.
So - yes - I've said it. I hate exercise. But, since it is as necessary to my life as taking my medications (I'm not nuts about THAT either) and other nasty things, it doesn't matter whether I like it or not. I don't have to want to do it - I just have to do it.
So - I do it - plan for it, pay for the classes for it, buy the clothes for it, skip some fun stuff because of it, and just do it. No excuses allowed. I put on my shoes and run. I get up at 6:15AM and go to the pool. I do my strength training and my yoga and my cycling.
I really hate the thought of exercise but exercise really, really loves me.
Running along the Niagara Parkway on a gorgeous May morning. See, brain? That wasn't so bad!