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Wednesday, May 15, 2013

I feel like I have come completely off the deep end. I felt so good and rooted but over the last couple of days I have been antsy, irritated, frustrated. It got so bad I joined Weight Watchers (only to cancel the following day not resulting in a bunch of hoops for me to jump to get my $ back).

I am so tired of this pendulum swing. I go back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. There are times I feel completely happy and content knowing that I am doing what is good for me with eating and exercise and there are other times I get so fed up that I feel like going to crazy extremes.

I felt so good about the Weight Watchers thing, I posted about it in a group I am a part of on Facebook and a complete (well almost) stranger brought reality crashing down around me. She knows of my... well, issues surrounding my current state of mind when it comes to things surrounding where I am at with my weight and she told me just about everything I didn't want to hear, but needed to hear. People suck sometimes emoticon I think in the right frame of mind, Weight Watchers could be a good thing for me, but I really have to get a handle on the emotions.

I think being pregnant and breastfeeding for a year has done some damage to me metabolically and that is a lot of the reason I am not losing. Going back into another restrictive eating program is only going to make that worse, not better. The stupid thing is that I kept hearing a voice in the back of my mind telling me this the whole time I was signing up, but I shut it up. Completely silenced it. Ignored that inner voice. Intuition. Damn, I really suck sometimes.

I am so hard on myself. Sometimes I wonder if that is part of my problem.

the Biggest Loser is starting up and I signed up to be in the CAMO crew again. Love that group, love the support and the comeraderie. I feel good with that. I am right with Sparkpeople. Sparkpeople has been my "home" since early 2007. That is a very long time. When I go back and read my previous blogs, I long for those days when I was just starting out, everything was new, I was jsut getting started reading, absorbing, taking it all in. When I hit goal and maintained that for so long until I got pregnant that was pretty flipping cool. I wish sometimes I could be there again and not so effed up.

I will get it. I just need to accept stumbling as part of the process. I wish I could be one of those linear types of Point A (starting weight) to Point B (goal weight). But I feel like I am all over the freaking place all the time. I guess my point a to point be is a bit convoluted.

At any rate, I am glad for the forthright nature of people sometimes. I guess sometimes we don't need to hear sugar coated messages, but the blunt reality of how things really are. It sucks, but I am grateful
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Consistency comes to mind! Have you been consistent with exercise and healthy eating! That could be keeping you stuck! I like your blogs though. Keeping it real!
    1646 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/17/2013 9:12:32 PM
  • CAALAN23
    Just wanted to offer support. :) I have been on Spark off and on a while too and keep hitting that bump...you know the one that jumps up out of the trail picks you up and hurls you back about a year in your success? Yeah...that one. Mostly, I notice that my lack of success directly relates to leaving Spark or not being involved on here in some way. I'm committed this time to at least the involvement of it, I may tell tracking to suck it or not watch the reports some months but I think the involvement of it is what makes it work.

    So...let's go, eh? We'll kick that bump's ass. ;)

    1646 days ago
    emoticon I believe with Every Stumble we Learn something New to add to our Arsenal. Pay attention to the Lessons, be Thankful for them, and Carry On!! We WILL Win This War!!
    1646 days ago
    I lost weight on WW, back in the day, but I was far less healthy. Microwave dinners, diet soda, etc. I felt like crap.

    I know how you feel. I'm in the same boat. Tracking my calorie expenditure for a few days, and then also my calories consumed, and I'm going to track for a few weeks (at a higher level - not 1200-1550, wtf is that, anyway!?) to get the hang of eating well. And then it's strength training, some intervals, and movement for fun.

    I stressed out too long to not make progress. If I'm not going to make progress, then I may as well stop stressing out about it, and work on getting stronger, healthier, etc.

    To put it in perspective for myself, I imagine what I'll be wishing for, as I'm dying someday. I doubt I'll look back and say "I wish I'd only hated myself a little MORE, so I could have turned down the pizza" or "If only I'd have a hot bikini body!" No, I'll look back and wish I had more time for fun, with my family, instead of self-loathing. And I can give that to myself NOW - without being on a DIET.

    Come on, girl! Let's do this! F*CK DIETS! F*CK THE EMPIRE! F*CK WW!!!

    1646 days ago
    I am just wondering if some of the mental exercises in Inside Out Weight Loss by Renee Stephens might give you insight into your conflicts. With some insight there may be more of a resolution... a sense of peace that you need to build on so you can proceed. It just seems there is some kind of sticking point that is beyond the physical. There is a book and a team for Inside Out Weight Loss. There are some links to podcasts and also some guided meditations. Quite a few of the meditations target the conflicts that people feel. Just a suggestion.

    Another thought would be to try an elimination diet and test to see if there are any foods that you are reacting to. This does seem to be something worth trying to figure out for some people.

    1647 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/16/2013 7:56:21 AM
    Amber, I think you are right to trust yourself. You will find the right formula. It may take a bit of trial and error but it"s there for you to discover. Have faith. I am rooting for you. Let's both start fresh and make this summer the best one yet.
    1647 days ago
    So glad to hear you are coming back to CAMO!! This is definitely a bump in the road as this whole weight loss thing is so mental! I have hit that bump soooo many times but the great thing is we just keep trying!! I KNOW if I gave up I would be so much heavier and unhealthy so I try to be happy with where I am at and continue to search out that 'magic' formula for MY body. I don't listen to people who say I MUST have X amount of calories or I MUST do certain workouts.....I do what is right for ME! You are doing great by just changing things up and looking for what will work for you!!! So KUDOS to you for pressing on!!!! emoticon emoticon
    1648 days ago
    ALP, it's SpicyChipotle here, your long lost sparker buddy. Had to recreate my profile since I deleted it a year or two ago. You are a champion. The only thing in your way right now is you. This is not a crash diet this is your life and your body! Remember that you only get the one. You are not losing weight you are gaining health with every decision you make every day. Buck up little camper! I'll be rootin for ya.

    1648 days ago
    You can do it!

    Have you tried SparkCoach? You might enjoy that as you get back into the swing of things:)
    1648 days ago
    The voice that matters most, though, is yours. We don't just have comfort food, we have comfort behaviors, and it may be that going to WW was one of yours. Glad the person on the group helped you.

    And you said maybe being hard on yourself was making things harder - heck, yeah! Stress causes us to stop losing weight. It can even cause us to GAIN weight.

    Be kind to Amber. That's the best medicine. ;-) emoticon
    1648 days ago
    If its any comfort you aren't alone with your feelings. I wholeheartedly understand the place you are and may I say, "It too shall pass". I have been on more diets than I care to count. When I was a teen I wasn't even overweight yet my parents had m on a diet out of fear I would take after other family members, ( crazy right?). The weight began to come on after my children, off and on I lost successfully but like you got fed up, and gave up on me.

    But what I take from all you said, is You really do care, and believe in yourself. You are looking for perhaps a new approach and that might be a good thing, like joining Weight Watchers. It is not as restricted as it once was, would give you meetings to look forward to, accountability to staying with the plan, and you might meet some members that you can befriend and have added support in the area in which you live.

    You need to ask yourself, what is it I really want? Did you know you can be a one time guest at a meeting to see if it is something you might like to be a part of, unless policy has changed, been years since I was a member.

    I learned a lot being with WW for years and apply much of what I learned to my plan now. I encourage you to forget the past attempts and start fresh. Take what you know worked in the past and devise a new approach that you can be happy with, then its one day at a time, one meal at a time, and so on and so forth. I have no doubt once you get the mindset you will be on your way!!!

    I wish you nothing but the best.
    1648 days ago
  • AWOLF24
    1648 days ago
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