Wednesday, May 15, 2013
I turned 35 on Monday. I was a little worried about it...I never had an issue with 20 or 30, but the years with a "5" in it always seem to wig me out. 25 was tough, now looking back on it...I kinda feel like what was I thinking?!
But...at the same time...25 was hard for the same reasons that 35 was hard this year. I am not where I thought I would be in life. Yes, I did let go of the "planning" ideals when I hit 30 and just let things happen. But the two things that were frustrating at 25, are still frustrating at 35.
For those of you that follow this blog, I'm sure you already know what I am going to say. My weight. I am still struggling with my weight. Even at 15 years old, I wasn't happy with my weight. Yes, I was dancing much more, about 20 hours a week and I was on Cheer. But, I was still carrying weight. I was about 188 in high school, a size 14. I didn't really self-sabotage at 15, but overate often, then diet, then overeat. It was a cycle or pattern. However, I didn't lose the weight at 15, nor at 25 and now I find myself at 35 and still struggling.
I truly believe that weight is a symptom of something else that is going on inside us. I know for me that is 100% true. I have never really been self-confident or had a positive self-image...I tried to fake it and it's a hard thing to fake. Especially being in sales! I think once I have a little faith in myself, I can start turning this around...but I get spooked and self-sabotage. I don't want to, but it happens. I have more or less figured out WHY I am doing this....and it relates to something that happened to me a few years ago. I am choosing to keep that private for the moment because I still haven't figured it out totally in my head and it is still very painful for me.
The other thing I really expected at 25, was to be married or at least in a long-term relationship. That didn't happen at 25 or 35. Again, I think a lot of this is tied into my weight and my self perception. And...the fact that the guys that I have allowed into my life were terrible for me. Looking back, I now realize that a lot of the guys I have dated haven't been right for me because they needed me for something, but there was nothing I needed from them. When I say needed, I am referring to emotional needs, lots of "mother" issues with these guys and I often fall into the mother hen type of girl when people need me. If they tried to use me for money, I immediately dropped that guy. Fortunately, that's only happened once.
Looking at the larger scope, I need to realize that I want to be with someone who "wants" to be with me and not someone who "needs" me for something. I guess it's hard for me to gauge that because my head just keeps thinking, "Well, who would want to be with me? I'm fat." I need to realize and truly understand that I am MORE than my weight. It's not going to be an easy thing to overcome since I have told myself this for so many years. I know it in my head though...now, I just need to teach my heart to learn and accept it too.
Needless to say, this past week has been difficult because it really did get me thinking about these two things. These are my road blocks. I am thinking...the best thing I can give myself this year is to learn how to get over these hurdles, and no matter what, accept and love myself unconditionally.