Wednesday, May 15, 2013
I hit a wall yesterday. Or maybe I reached a breaking point? Either way Ė last night was one long bad meltdown like I havenít had in a long time. My eyes are still puffy and my body is still recovering today. I probably look like I drank a few bottles of wine by myself but I didnít.
I actually had a great day at work yesterday. Stuck to my packed foods, went on a long walk at lunch, had a coworker praise me in writing to my boss. By all means I should have been fine.
I know what set me off and I need to pay attention to how these situations affect me because I let it go way too far. I think it all really started on Sunday, Motherís Day. Everyone was posting all over facebook how much they owe to their Mothers, how great they are, perfect role models and all. Meanwhile, I go to see mine and itís a mess. Iíll spare you the details but I have often been the parents TO my parents and it almost felt like I was taking my children out for an expensive lunch. I felt SO sad on Sunday night and thought that I slept it off. ANYWAYS Ė yesterday, early in the day, my mom started e-mailing me about my sisterís wedding stuff and it is getting out of hand. I felt the last drop fall and cause my cup to overflow. I let it all out on her and, as usual, ended up nowhere. I donít know why I continue to try to fix things out of my control. I suppose with your family, you have more force behind your good intentions because they are blood. It can be extremely frustrating and draining when those relationships are strained, or when you are watching a train wreck happen in slow motion and your instinct tells you to try to prevent it and no one is listening. As we all know, when you are tested emotionally, it affects everything else in your life like your health, your willpower, your energy. I let the emotional strain get to me yesterday Ė hardcore.
I was driving home and I knew I had a healthy dinner planned and all I could think about was junk food. I was drained Ė I didnít feel like cooking. But I had bought stuff all organic (expensive) for this meal and I was going to do it because darn it I hate wasting money. Well, this Sparkrecipe for Jalapeno Popper Chicken from their e-mail last week was AWFUL. I should have read the recipe more closely because even the way it was written didnít make sense. Spark should really proof the recipes they send out because this one was full of typos and missteps. I even made a comment to my BF at one point while putting it together that we should probably just order a pizza because I had a bad feeling about it. I was right! It was bad. So I had ate my salad and corn and tossed the rest. Cue Ė meltdown.
Iím not even sure what exactly set it off. I canít remember. But I do know I cried for what felt like hours after that point. I think I brought up something vaguely related to my family issues Ė like how I was upset that my bf was playing a video game when I got home. I think the underlying issue was ďIím feeling emotional and weak and I need a hug and you were playing a gameĒ but it turned into this argument about chores, my weight, my issues with food, etc. It got ugly. Again Ė way out of hand. My bf then started suggested things we could eat out to make up for it and my brain just couldnít handle the fact that I probably still needed to eat something, and how to do it at a restaurant without overeating. We ended up arguing about me and food. Me. And. Food.
I feel so embarrassed today. I canít figure out how it escalated so bad besides the fact that I was in a crazy person mode, which makes me feel even more embarrassed and guilty.
I have been trying to put SO MUCH emphasis on positivity. How could I have done something so negative?
I shouldnít let my emotions control so much. It shouldnít make me want to eat junk, be lazy, or be mean to the person who means the most to me. It isnít fair to him.
Food and emotions clearly have WAY too close of a relationship for me. If weíre going out to eat with our friends and I am trying to be ďgoodĒ Ė I swear to you that I feel actual pain. Why canít I eat the junk? Why do I have to watch other people eat it? And the old battle ALWAYS starts in my brain ďI really want to eat the junk, but I donít want to get fat!Ē I canít seem to just walk into a restaurant and make a good choice and be okay with it. I ALWAYS fight myself. I always feel like crying when I see someone else eating French fries. It gets really tiring! I have been making the efforts recently to plan ahead and stick to my guns, and maybe that will help in the long run, but I canít help but feel that last night was a test that I failed.
I guess I donít know how to break the cycle. I donít know how to go with the flow with food. I donít know how to confidently make good choices and not agonize over junk food. I donít know how to keep my emotions separate from food. But I do know that the worst fights my BF & I have had have been about my relationship with food and how he is worn out from trying to help me, and I need to do something about it.
Have any of you ever felt this way? What are you doing or have done to fix it? Iím getting desperate. I wish someone could reprogram my brain.