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Taking me back.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

I think the number one thing that I am good at is starting over. Consistency in moving forward seems to be have been an impossibiity for me. When I try to think back as to why have I fallen off doing this or that, food plan, execise, etc. I can't think of anything that stands out as a significant reason. Hurts, pains, tiredness, family drama etc. All it amounts too is starting over with more weight to let go of. Putting care of my body, my self has not been at the top of the list and if I put me there, I get knocked off the list with way to much ease.

When will I determine that I deserve to be the first on my list. This self-sacrificing BS of everyone elses needs comes first has been what has gotten me to being morbidly obese. I have to treat myself with love and respect, with care and concern, making my nutrition and health my number 1 priority. It's like being on an airplane, "Please put your oxygen mask on first before helping others." Yet as women, southern, Christian women we are taught we come last. Maybe that is why we are dying off. We have to achieve such levels of perfected feminity that most of us could never hope to achieve. While we are told to not have a voice, not to complain...so we stuff it, eat over it and put ourselves into an early grave as we are made to feel bad about even acknowledging our own needs. We lose connection with our feelings and even the rumblings of a not so nice feeling errupts into a food free for all. No, no, no...not anger,....not guilt....not fear, not hopelessness. No wonder antidepressants are the number one drug used in this nation. We have lost touch with the rights to ourselves.

I am taking me back. I have too or I am not going to continue to be here, or the shape I will be in will require that I will be someone elses burden or I will get a room next to my father's in some nursing home, where no one even bothers to remember my name...

So everyone else can eat what they want, do what they want but as far as I am concerned I am storming the citadel and taking me, my life, and responsibiity for my self back today.
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