Wednesday, May 15, 2013
I'm still trying to get it all worked out in my head but basically I'm just going in circles while I continue to eat crap and hate myself. I haven't got on the scale since I broke the fast. Basically after i broke it, i couldnt get it back together and I'm terrified to see the damage. im afraid i undid everything i did in that 12 days. Life is just hectic and I can't get a handle on the eating. I'm right in the middle of PMS too which doesn't help at all. RYDERB has been telling me about the whole30 program so ive been mulling that over. It's appealing to me because she said its helped with her hormones.. I've got to get that straightened out because i feel like mine are out of control. But the focus of the whole30 isnt meant to be weight loss and another girl said she didn't lose any weight on it. I'm not mentally in a place where I can do something restrictive that requires discipline for a whole month and not see any weight loss. I get all the reasons for it but that's not where I'm at. I want to change my lifestyle and break the cycle and all that but my primary desire is to lose weight and I know if I don't see that happen, I'll just self-sabotage. But I do like everything I've been hearing about it and I'm still looking into recipes and reading blogs about it etc.
I also keep thinking of going back to juicing. Maybe I can have a better handle on it when I'm not working and have more time. Plus, I hate that I wasn't successful with it. I have this OCD urge to keep trying it till I can get it right. But I also don't really like the idea of spending the whole summer on a juice fast. It's a tough call. Plus there's my trip home to take into consideration but I'm so desperate to get closer to my goal!! I really don't know what to do. Plus juicing is so expensive and I know I drive my husband crazy with it. He actually liked the idea of the whole30 which surprised me cuz I thought he would think I'm just off on another tangent.
Whatever I end up doing, I want to have a solid plan. Raw Raw Life is this woman who does a lot of juicing youtube videos and she is planning to come out with like an ebook or something that will have a structured plan for juicing with grocery lists for every couple days. I know juicing is really straight forward and I shouldn't really need a plan but anything that requires less thinking on my part is going to be a huge help for me because I over think everything and it always causes me problems. I feel like i even need to plan how much water I'm going to have and at what times because i struggle with that. Maybe I could juice for 30 days and then transition into the whole 30? On one hand it seems like insanity to keep trying juicing when I clearly can't seem to stay with it but on the other hand, maybe it's bound to take one of these times.
One reason why I'm hesitating with the juicing is because I never hit the point where I felt energy, even after 12 days. I know I should've given it more time but I really want to get back to working out. I don't know how I expect that to happen since I don't have any energy now either. It freaks me out a little though. Like, what's it gonna take? Maybe it will make a difference with me not working all day. Maybe I wasn't getting enough juice or enough water and that was part of the problem.
I'm going to keep doing research and thinking through things between now and Friday because there's no point starting anything before then. Work is making me nuts and Friday is our anniversary! I wish I would've stuck to something and been closer to my goal for this. I'm disappointed in myself but trying not to dwell on it because I know it doesn't help anything. RYDERB has been really encouraging with that and helping me think about things differently. I've got to be less hard on myself. Not only is the entire food system in this country structured to keep people addicted to processed garbage but I have to remember all the personal things I've got working against me. I have to stop comparing myself to others or trying to hold myself to some ridiculously high standard. I just have to start where I am. I know the last two summers have been when I've been able to focus on my goals. I get lost during the school year but I only have a few days of this madness left and then I can concentrate and hopefully get to a better place. How awesome would it be is I was close to maintenance by the time school starts up? - of course it would be even more awesome if I didn't have to go back at all but that depends on my husband. Right now things are looking very promising but I don't want to get my hopes up.
I know I keep going round in circles but I know one of these days I'll get this figured out.