Wednesday, May 15, 2013
I must say off the top that I really dread summer every year. My hours become crazy and I get overwhelmed. I see between 30 and 40 people a week during the summer and work anywhere from 60 to 65 hours a week. I am not griping, really just stating facts. I love my clients and I love my job, but I find zero balance between work and health during the summer. It begins in May and goes until almost October.
I gave up my scale just over a couple weeks ago and have since fallen apart. My compulsion to binge has been out of control and I feel miserable. I am not sleeping and I am not feeding my body what it needs so I am run down and fatigued. All I want to do when I get done working is be still and quiet. I spend the whole day talking and interacting and ministering to people and by the end, I am completely wiped out. Today is my 13 year anniversary and I am thankful Jeff is at work until 11:30 because I have nothing left of myself to give him. We are supposed to do something this weekend so hopefully I will be more rested then.
I know I am putting on weight and I feel helpless to stop it. Like watching a car wreck in slow motion and there is nothing you can do but get out of the way. I am not really sure why getting rid of the scale has begun this cycle. Perhaps I am like the teenager who has found herself with no governing ruler for the first time ever. I pray that the cycle will come to an end very soon because I am sick and disgusted with myself. I have not behaved this way in over 2 years.
Please pray for me. I speak to God so much during the day. I know He has not forsaken me but He is silent. Something has got to give and it as got to be me. Submit, resist. That is the order but for some reason, I get up every day and surrender the day to him and then find myself falling apart at night. I have stopped most of my exercise and that is bad. I have had thoughts of laxatives the last couple days and simply fear crossing back into that territory. I have not used them for over a year.
Anyway, I am sick of myself. I am going to bed. Thanks for listening.