So, I have not been doing great at eating right or taking care of myself this year. This is a gross understatement. This isn't really a pretty blog entry.
I went from 230 to 169 last year. This year? The pendulum has swung in the opposite direction. I've gained back to 203.
I had some bad things happen and I let them take away my motivation, I've been dealing with grief and sadness and stress, but I have been dealing with them in my own way.
I haven't broken down in tears in a few weeks now. That's a win. A BIG win. I'm still struggling with trying to conceive. I'm trying this backwards idea someone told me. It goes like this. Stop trying. Get rid of everything I have that reminds me of pregnancy or babies or conception, and don't try anymore. Let it go and focus on something else. It's easier said than done, but since my sister is now miraculously pregnant after being intimate with her hubby one time in months, I can just give her all the stuff I had saved for myself. (Okay, so I'm still a little emotional about babies... but things ARE improving in that area... little steps.)
I've been trying to figure out how to be motivated and positive again. This last year, it's like the person I have become is so negative and down all of the time. I don't even want to be around myself for too long.... or at least I didn't. I am trying to complain less, and to fake it 'til I make it as far as motivation goes... it's a little better. (sheepish grin)
I have gone 0 days without chocolate. I am TRYING to quit, but it's a bad habit that is hard to break. I did however, only have one Oreo yesterday, and 2 sugar-free turtles my mom gave me today. Other than that the only "chocolate" I've had has been my protein powder, so that is better than buying a package or two of my favorite Dove Chocolate Covered Almonds and eating one or both in one day... yes, I've done that before on more than one occasion.
I don't remember ever being that big of an emotional eater, but I know I became one this year... with chocolate & sweets and here and there some dairy. I haven't had dairy in two days, except for the cream in the Oreo yesterday. I did have about two tablespoons of Local Honey today in my protein shakes.
Why so much talk about food? Because it seems to be the place where I have been messing up the most. So I have to own it.
I started Advocare again Monday. I decided that by having a set diet plan, and following it, and not cheating (much), I can beat my own bad eating habits. My trainer says I have to start writing down what I eat. I used to record it everyday on here and when I did, I was much more successful. So I am taking a more disciplinary approach to eating right. and today, my daily report charts looked like this:
I'm excited that I got this close to recommended values - I don't think I've done that ever, and all I did was cut out the chocolate and the very miniscule amounts of gluten and dairy I was already eating.
My sleep patterns still need improvement. This year I went from sleeping through each night to waking up several times a night, going to bed later and waking up earlier or later depending on the day and hardly ever getting a full night's rest.
Okay, so I've backtracked quite a bit, and I have a LONG way to go to reach my goals. So right now, I've decided to stop focusing on fertility and to focus more on fitness. And in the last month, I quit my job. It was a big stressor in my life, and I started a summer teaching job at a local college, but I have yet to get a job lined up for fall. If I don't get a teaching job by fall, I will start looking into hopsital work or getting hired on with the local CPS agency, so I'm staying positive there.
So, if anyone has any suggestions for motivation, or what changes I can make to improve my eating and fitness, or hints for success, throw them my way, and thanks in advance!