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    KT-NICHOLS-13   43,017
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suffocating

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

I feel like I'm suffocating. Like the plastic bag has been pulled over my head and I'm fighting for air but it doesn't matter how much I fight I can't find relief.

In general, all is good. In micro bits everything seems to be falling apart or at least cracking. Here's how it unfolds ...

The Foster Kitties
In general - it's all about the love, safety and health of the furry babies. I'm okay to let them go when foster care is complete. It'd break my heart but I know someone will love them.
In Micro bits - it's darn hard to care for TWO foster babies and do it right. Feeding, care, cleaning and safety of four week old babies is exhausting and time consuming. The Mr is NOT willing to let them go. He's attached! As are my two older furry babies. I had to take a morning off from work due to the Mr's schedule and not being able to leave the kitties in the kennel for extended periods of time. It was last minute. SIGH

The Boys aka my two older cats
In general - they are fabulous. I love them like mad.
In Micro bits - they have become attached to the two wee ones. So much so that they panic if something appears wrong at any given moment. That's tough to take. One of them likes to wake me at 4:00 a.m. to play or at other random times during the night. Sleep is fleeting at this point ...

Weight loss
In general - I'm healthy and my body is adjusting. I haven't binged in quit sometime now.
In Micro bits - I haven't lost weight for months now. It would appear all things have stalled, again. SIGH. I do. I change. I stay the same. I won't become complacent about it either! I am going to have a bunch of blood tests done to see if is crazy within my inner bits that need a tone up. Oh joy ...

Workouts
In general - I've come to terms with being a walker vs. a runner. The pressure is off!
In Micro bits - one of my healthcare professions suggested to me today that I might want to cut back on my walking to see if that will allow me to loose weight again. I asked if she could be my taxi service due to the bulk of my walking being for commute purposes. I'm tired of being told NOT to workout and move my body. She also suggested I increase my ST training. It's always fun to micromanage someone else's world, so I think.

Apartment life in the Bay Area
In general - I adore my little one bedroom apartment. I've been in the same place for 10 years plus - I'm comfortable. The location is perfect for all my daily needs. Yet, we need a bigger place.
In Micro bits - Moving is stressful AND expensive. Plus, the Bay Area might be a great place to live but it's also dangerous and expensive. Pick the wrong location and you might be hit by a stray bullet or be knifed by your neighbor. I don't make this stuff up. Plus, rental prices are crazy high. Owners no longer look for the right tenant but rather the bottom line. If you want affordable housing you live in a war zone / gang territory. If you want safety you pay the same as you would for a mortgage but you have nothing to show for it in the end.

The Mr
In general - it's all good. We are quickly approaching our 5 year anniversary.
In Micro bits - he needs to step it up and pay up. Get a different job and earn a bigger paycheck. He needs to stop talking about vacation ... it might not happen this year and I don't need the pressure of trying to make it happen.

Work -
In general - I still have a job. THANK.YOU.VERY.MUCH
In Micro bits - I feel like unemployment is right around the corner due to the boss being a horrible money manager.

Human baby -
In general - it's a great idea.
In Micro bits - are you kidding me? A great reward BUT ...
The Mr has tunnel vision on this one and I'm just standing still. The Mr is of the mindset that it will all just work out so why not move forward. I am so not that type of person!


So ya, everything on the surface is GREAT! Underneath it - in the darkness - I am panicky and suffocating. Once things start to move I think I'll find the release and breath I need. Until then, I just keep fighting.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TRENTDREAMER 5/15/2013 2:02PM

    I totally hear you.

I know the feeling of "on paper" or "on the surface" everything's "fine" or "OK".

Sorry to hear.


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BLISS_OM 5/14/2013 10:12PM

    Hi KT,

Your blog was honest and raw and said so much about ... how this life can be the good and the bad of it. I think you're doing a great job being able to watch it all ... as a witness and catalogue your list of pros and cons. I make lists like this and it helps me step back from it all and be more objective. If you're not doing so already ... breathe. Take deep breaths as you review this chronicle and trust yourself to act on something ... in some small way ... even a micromovement forward will help you feel more empowered. At least that tends to work for me. I send you my support and I am rooting for you. Congratulations on all you have accomplished and keep in order "on the surface"! Blessings, Bliss!

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HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 5/14/2013 8:54PM

    emoticon I have no words of wisdom. I completely understand what you're saying.

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SGRAY478 5/14/2013 7:34PM

    I am so sorry you feel like suffocating KT. I understand how on the surface things can look good with so many dark pieces underneath. And let me tell you I am not a "it will all work on in the end person" either. I hope things get better for you!. Hugs!

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MANLEYSANDY 5/14/2013 7:20PM

    I would LOVE someone to tell me not to work out so I could lose weight :-)...but I know you enjoy it!!!

I am so glad you still have your job, that you have not binged in quite some time and that things are going good with the Mr., the other bits are just what happens in life and I am a lot like you, I am so not that person, I have to have a plan too...but whenever I start to freak out, I usually have a good cry and then just take things one day at a time. That is all you can do...

Hang in there my lovely friend....

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ENDUROVET 5/14/2013 6:09PM

    At least w/kittens, you've got 'em weaned in 6 wks flat ;-)

But seriously, sorry you are having a rough time, darling. Hang on, keep breathing & WALKING for the love of God! I can't see what is the least bit harmful about that...

emoticon

P.S. I have enjoyed my infrequent visits to sunny CA but I couldn't imagine trying to finance living there!

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STUDLEEJOE 5/14/2013 4:56PM

    You are doing a great job with fostering the fur babies. Relax about things that are not within your control right now.

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