Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Being home alone for two days has really given me a lot of quiet time to think about things...especially since I've not been feeling well, because instead of doing 100 things, I've been sitting, thinking, contemplating, reading, watching, and listening. Seeing as how I'm at a real low point with my health, I have decided that there is no point in waiting any longer to do something about it. I've been procrastinating this, and for what? To add on another ten pounds? To get even more depressed about my state? To wait for...for what, exactly? I really couldn't answer that question. This morning as I was watching "Hungry For Change," one of the doctors towards the end of the program is talking about Self Love. When I heard her say everything, I just burst into tears, because I hear the same thing inside my own head so many times. She says:
"I actually think that the concept of loving yourself is the key to all of it. Without that, nothing else is going to be sustainable, because if you have a message in your head, "I'm a worthless piece of crap, and my life doesn't count for anything, and I'm always a failure, and I screw up all the time, and I'll never be good enough, and I'll never make it, and no one loves me." The first thing you do is you know that they're probably there......As a doctor, let me tell you what Self Love does. It improves your hearing, your eyesight, it lowers your blood pressure, it increases pulmonary function, cardiac output, it helps wire in the musculature. So, if we had a rampant epidemic of Self Love, then our healthcare costs would go down dramatically. So, this isn't some little fru-fru New Age notion, "Oh, love yourself, Honey." This is hard-core SCIENCE."
I think maybe that's been a huge part of my problem all along. I know it's been. I haven't really loved myself. Now, I don't HATE MYSELF. But when I stop and think about it, I really don't feel like I show myself the kind of love that I would show another person. If my husband was really struggling with his weight and self-esteem, would I continually put his happiness, health, and well-being off? Would I watch TV and feed him junk instead of encouraging him or joining him in a healthy activity? Of course not. So why do I do it to myself? Once, about a year or so ago, I got really sad and disappointed in myself. I just cried and cried and cried. I felt like I was broken into two different people. One was the Regular Me, and the other was an abusive boyfriend type Me. Over and over again, the Abusive Me had lied, cheated, abandoned and beaten me. And, over and over again, the Regular Me accepted the apology and let Abusive Me back in. That day, however, I just felt so scared of letting the Abusive Me in. I even said, out loud, "I just don't think I trust you anymore. I can't keep doing this to myself." I really need to kick the Abusive Me to the curb, because she isn't doing me any favors. I'm sure I will hear her voice echoing in my head from time to time (because you can't just turn that off), but I can remember that the Regular Me is right here, and wanting to take good, genuine care of myself. The Regular Me really does love me and wants to change everything for the better.
So, I have decided to go ahead and order those Happy Herbivore Meal Plans. Before I start cooking any of them, however, I'm going to put myself on a 10-day Juice Fast to detox and reboot my body. I haven't done this in a long time, and there is no time like the present. I'm going to start juicing first thing tomorrow. I'm not waiting until a Monday like I usually do, or a new month to start doing this. I'm going to start now. And since I will be going back to work tomorrow, I plan to get back in the gym tomorrow as well, and start my Couch to 5K training. I'm going to keep moving forward with my garden and finish writing out my summer activities calendar. I'm going to use this summer to really get a good grasp on my physical and mental health and my new lifestyle, so that when school resumes for us in the fall, I will have a good solid foundation to kick off a new school year with. (And how cool would that be to come back to school in August several pounds lighter?! Hopefully it would even be noticeable!) That would be so neat. I remember once, when I was still hanging out with my "old friends" (the people I no longer see because they were toxic to my life), I went to a party where everyone was getting together...I had just lost 25 pounds. I hadn't seen any of them in a few months, and I had a new haircut, a new outfit on, and was 25 pounds lighter. I was feeling better about myself than I had in months. Not ONE person said one thing about my weight loss...or my hair....or my outfit. It really broke my heart. I was so devastated that I promptly fell off the wagon that very night when I got home, and have since gained about 40 pounds...gained back all that I lost plus some. That was two years ago. That was the last time I've had any real success with my weight loss, and I let a bunch of selfish jerks completely sabotage my self-esteem.
That's never going to happen again.
This isn't about anyone else. It's about me. I get that. But I will never again let anyone else dictate how I feel about myself. Granted, I want to set a good example for my daughter, and I want to live a long and happy life so I can be with my husband for a long time....but I'm also doing this for myself. Because I love myself, and because I deserve to be the happiest, healthiest version of myself that I can possibly be. My family deserves that version of me, too.
It's gotta be about Self Love, from here on out. Self Love...Self Love...Self Love.