Monday, May 13, 2013
This is an odd venue for this blog, but I really don't know where else to write about it. Last night, I had the strangest dream and I still don't know how I feel about it.
I dreamt that my best friend Hena, who died of cancer three years ago, was alive. I was living somewhere else and she came to visit me. She was doing well, still doing chemo, but was moving around and getting along. Even when we became good friends, she wasn't in that great of shape healthwise and it was great seeing her move around and do things. Her hair was also longer too :) Not like it was after chemo. She was very confident and hopeful-- like she was when she was doing the clinical trials. Then I woke up, and I was really happy because in my sleepy stupor- I thought she was alive.
I fell back asleep and it was like when I left on that business trip in real life three years ago-- she took a turn for the worse and Hena was dying again. Hena slowly wittled away again, her hair was short and her body mass slowly became skeletal. She was telling me that she wanted to die. She wanted to just let go, even if she had to "help it along". She had a strange plan that barely came out in a whisper about how she could make herself have a stroke and just "slip away". In my dream, I talked her out of committing suicide and I held her, and she died in my arms. In my dream, I felt her last breath. In real life I was with Hena the day she died, but not with her when she died, because I felt her immediate family should only be there. I woke up with this overwhelming sense of saddness, because I felt like I had lost her again. My heart hurt so bad. I feel like I just lost her every day when I sit in my office and look at our picture on my desk. I know she is watching over me and I wasn't sure if that was her way of telling me it was okay for her to let go? I dont know. All I know is she is the fuel to my fight against cancer and I will do whatever I can to let people know about ways to prevent cancer-- especially focusing on non-GMO foods and healthy, organic vegetables in our diet, as welll as regular excercise. I know this is a completely weird thing to put on a sparkpeople blog, but I really dont have another outlet right now. Maybe I need grief counseling, but I think I need to fight for Hena more- so that she is not forgotten and so that nobody else has to lose their best friend.