Advertisement -- Learn more about ads on this site.

    CAT-IN-CJ   124,805
100,000-149,999 SparkPoints

Bathing Suit Shopping (Senior Humor)

Monday, May 13, 2013

When I was a child in the 1950's, the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice: she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!

You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time.

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a stylish bathing suit!

Member Comments About This Blog Post:
BECKYSFRIEND 5/17/2013 9:31AM

    emoticon great

Report Inappropriate Comment

    Oh, the joys of swimsuit shopping! (Not)

Report Inappropriate Comment
MNNICE 5/14/2013 7:38PM

    Ohhh, so THAT'S where my boobs went................. Very funny blog!

Report Inappropriate Comment
LGAR519 5/14/2013 4:01PM

    Oh, my goodness! This made my day! I just loved it because I have been there and done that. Trust me, I needed a laugh. So thank you!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
MARPET44 5/14/2013 11:50AM

    Love this story--reminded me of my bathing suit shopping. I finally went on-line.

Report Inappropriate Comment
NITTINNANA 5/14/2013 10:49AM

    Superb writing and a great sense of humor!

Report Inappropriate Comment
NCEVELYN 5/14/2013 9:28AM


I can't bring myself to the horror of trying on bathing suits. Since they don't make bathing suits that come down to the knee any more, I will be wearing my shorts and tee shirt also.

Report Inappropriate Comment
NELLJONES 5/14/2013 8:16AM

    The old Cathy cartoons used to go through the bathing suit horror show every spring.

Report Inappropriate Comment
PEGGYO 5/14/2013 7:36AM


Report Inappropriate Comment
STITCHINGNAN 5/14/2013 5:44AM

    I remember hand knitted bathing suits ,great till you went in the water and came out with the bathing suit sodden and hanging down to your knees, I was any small child at the time so I didn't care too much .
I loved the tale and have tears in my eyes from laughing, thank you.

Report Inappropriate Comment
TRESSWANN 5/14/2013 5:14AM

    Too funny

Report Inappropriate Comment
SOPHIEDO13 5/14/2013 4:56AM

    Oh how funny ..... unfortunately I look like the Hippo...I liked the punch line that it may become transparent !! I think I might try the Jean shorts, and T-Shirt myself emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
DIDMIS 5/14/2013 4:43AM

    So funny and so true.

Report Inappropriate Comment
HEALTHYSLIM2 5/14/2013 3:26AM

    and the most ridiculous part is that they would actually MAKE and SELL a bathing suit from fabric that becomes see-through when wet!!!!
WHAT are they thinking?
Anyway, at least it was affordable.
Great blog!! Thanks for sharing!

Report Inappropriate Comment
IMREITE 5/14/2013 1:06AM

    cute. i dont have that issue -yet

Report Inappropriate Comment
PAMNANGEL 5/14/2013 12:44AM

    Hahahahaha hahahahaha hahaha*gasps for air*hahahaha!

Report Inappropriate Comment
FLEMIDG 5/14/2013 12:24AM

    I loved your blog. I could just picture those suits. Thanks for brightening my day. You are a wonderful writer.

Report Inappropriate Comment
WALLAHALLA 5/13/2013 10:38PM


Report Inappropriate Comment
ERIN_POSCH 5/13/2013 9:12PM

    i started reading this at work and was laughing so hard everyone started to stare at me.... so I saved it and read it at home with my husband. we laughing so hard we were both in tears. thank you so much for helping us to recognize that I am not alone in my feelings. (my husbands heard the SPANDEX EVERYTHING complain from me for quite some time. GREAT POST!

Report Inappropriate Comment
MSLZZY 5/13/2013 9:00PM

    Your descriptions were priceless! I was laughing
so hard that I almost could see to read the ending.
You certainly got my imagination peeked.
Luckily I bought mine online so no little girl
was there to ask me about the fit.
I am so glad you found something sensible.

Comment edited on: 5/13/2013 9:00:32 PM

Report Inappropriate Comment
SPOONGIRLDEB 5/13/2013 8:41PM

    OMG definitely laughing, what an awesome blog such vivid descriptions! The last bathing suit I bought I bought online - just ordered two different styles, got lucky that one worked, and returned the other!

Report Inappropriate Comment
DARLY55 5/13/2013 8:04PM

    Very funny, and sad at the same time. I know from whence you came!
And would you believe I have young females who dare to ask me to take in a bathing suit, a size 2, that is too big for them! The nerve! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
LINDA! 5/13/2013 7:38PM


Report Inappropriate Comment
IDLETYME 5/13/2013 7:26PM

    You are a very talented writer. New vocation for you! emoticon emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
BESCATS 5/13/2013 7:21PM

    OMG, definitely rolling in the aisles, especially when I got to the high-cut suit one. emoticon

emoticon emoticon Thanks for sharing !!

Report Inappropriate Comment
BELLES74 5/13/2013 7:15PM

    Its blogs like yours that make me wish the liked button was a LOVED button.

By the end of it I nearly had tears of laughter running down my face. From this day forward I'm subscribing to your blogs.

emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
AMARILYNH 5/13/2013 7:00PM

    OMG this has me rolling!!

Report Inappropriate Comment
MERRYMARY42 5/13/2013 6:55PM

    I can relate, the last time I bought a bathing suit (I actually ordered it on-line, correct size, but one of those one piece suits high legged, looks like one they compete in, the young little gals, needless to say, I tried it on, and still have it in a drawer someplace, maybe I can find a niece that would like it.

Report Inappropriate Comment
CHERIJ16 5/13/2013 6:47PM

    You are a gifted comedian! I can so relate to your quest!! I prefer a suit with a bra and a little bit of a skirt and I haven't dared to try a two piece in many, many years! Back when I was a thinner teenager I even bought a cute little number that turned out to be transparent! (But it didn't have a warning lable!)
I am going to need a new suit this year because mine is now too large! I will keep your blog in mind as I begin my search! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
PDSLIM 5/13/2013 6:22PM


Report Inappropriate Comment
BIGPAWSUP 5/13/2013 6:17PM

    That was awesome! I loved it. I had to wait a few to reply as to clear the tears from my eyes! (And I think I own the jellyfish in mourning!)

Report Inappropriate Comment
KLMEIRING 5/13/2013 6:15PM


Report Inappropriate Comment
FELINEBETTER 5/13/2013 6:07PM

    Very clever blog! I love it! emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment
KACAR51 5/13/2013 5:46PM

    The funny thing is, the last one sounds like the one I am buying!

emoticon emoticon

Report Inappropriate Comment

Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

Log in to post a comment.

Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

Other Entries by CAT-IN-CJ