I know I haven't blogged anything about mental health lately, not since 5/7 if I look in my blog summaries list. There was one blog about motivation for myself and others on the 9th. Of course my weekly data reports, and I even wrote one about Mother's Day but deleted it. I thought it was horribly written.
And I know the lack of blogging all boils down to my mental health and its so-called decline. I always knew that withdrawal from friends was something to watch for in myself, but I don't live near any of my friends so that makes it understandable- withdrawing from Sparkpeople? Deactivating my Facebook account because I couldn't stand to see other's news? That's just...not healthy. It's a red flag I caught early on.
Not to mention, blogging is one of my mental health goals, so I need to stop procrastinating and blog already or I will regret it later when I revisit my goals (on 5/15 actually).
As I mentioned in my weekly report I did see a psychiatrist. I did bawl my eyes out at him and claimed anxiety while he claimed still untreated depression. He gave me a antidepressant in a different category in than last one I was on, because this one wouldn't interfere with all the work we are doing on my female hormonal issues. He also gave me pills that he said were "habit forming" but gives "the brain a break" if I was suffering from anxiety. Most of my anxiety comes in the form of insomnia, so I was eager to get something to help me sleep more.
One thing he failed to tell me about the anti-depressant specifically is that initial dosages can bring about suicidal thoughts. I briefly saw that on the Walgreens package before I just shrugged and tossed it. Now, I've been suicidal before (wow feel really ashamed typing that), this time I was NOT seeking meds because I was having those thoughts. I was just unhappy in doing things I loved...hence why I was leaning towards anxiety, but clearly the bawling my eyes out made him think depression....even though I tend to cry at all doctors appointments. I don't know why.
So Day 1 on the pill was okay. I logged 108 minutes of fitness. We had a community dinner at church again- opening our doors feeding those in needs and I spent most of the day preparing food.
Day 2 on the pill, still okay. That day was the first day I took the anxiety pill, because I was planning a day with mother, and uh, she is 95% of my anxiety so I thought it would be easier to deal with her. I was wrong. The pill did not calm me so much as completely NUMB me. I felt drunk, slow, couldn't form sentences. I won't be taking those as much, unless I need them when I can't sleep.
Then yesterday, the 11th, all hell broke lose. My husband and I started the morning with a huge fight. I remember what it was about entirely, but I will spare you the details. I ended up driving 2 hours north to a town we used to live when we first stated dating just to get a cup of coffee from a shop that isn't down where we live now. The drive was good. It made me realize that missing work aside....I missed DRIVING to work too. It's just time to sit and be with my thoughts. I got my coffee, reminisced about the places we used to go when we were wild and free and madly in love with each then drove back on some unused roads while talking to my grandmother, someone I always call when I am without the baby.
The fight didn't stop when I got home, even if the kiddo was more content to play by herself so we could talk it out. My husband and I talked about separating for awhile. He has a huge job promotion around May 22nd where he has to be at work at 4am and I told him that would be a perfect time to live with his parents for awhile, without everyone in the world knowing we had issues. He said seperations are the beginning of divorces, I disagreed. Things got heated. He had the nerve to tell me if we did separate I wouldn't help him raise our daughter, I would "just sit on my ass." Which caused an eruption from me when I started listing everything I do for him and for this household- what I gave up for him when we decided we wanted to bring a baby into the world. We questioned whether another was a good idea or not....It was bad.
We ended up going for a drive, because then Caley could watch a movie on the iPad in her carseat with snacks and drinks and whatever else she wanted and we could talk. I told him about the pills side effects that took me by surprise AS WELL as the prolonged PMS we knew would be present after an 81 day cycle. So, we both were aware how much of this could be realistic and how much could be meds/hormones talking. Either way, I had his attention now, so he was back to being the supportive husband I love.
We planned about how the hell to get out of my mom's house, started thinking like a team again. We need to pay off a credit card because my mom mentioned once that we should just dedicate our time to that first. So, as much as we would LOVE to go against her advice and leave her house with a monthly credit card payment we admitted we needed her help, and the first way to do that is TAKE MOM'S ADVICE! (Should've known huh?)
We re-budgeted our current income and if we do what is listed we can pay it off in 6 months. It just means leaning on my mom for awhile for food and gas in my car. Cutting date nights and switching to free date nights, a few other tweaks and changes. We haven't been doing that so far, we've still been buying our own food just like we used to because her and husband have no schedule of when to eat. We stopped depending on them to help us save money in most departments, simply due to lack of communication and mainly embarrassment for having to ask for so much.
I showed my mom our budget to explain any charges that she may see on a card that I possess linked to her account and then the FOUR of us (mom, her husband, my husband and me) talked about what we could do once that was paid off.
They've offered to help us with housing issues, both to help educate us on the entire process we are clueless about AND work on financing issues as well. My mom said she would co-sign for us if a bank denied us anything.
Even better- they were open for what we wanted! Not just "we'll help if you do it our way, like I was afraid of" Rob and I shared with them our research around wanting to get a trailer, and LAND. Not the standard suburban crowded retailer scam of short sells houses and foreclosed upon, and settling in a neighborhood solely for schools (not a concern if I am homeschooling anyway), nothing like no one in both our families has done, new territory all around!
It's something unique these days, but my mom is on board. She likes the idea that we are living modestly (she did too when she first married my dad) even if it later leads to owning land and THEN upgrading from trailer to house. She even did not scold me for wanting to move to a rural area...which inevitably is AWAY from her.
I know in my husbands heart he dreams of having a house for us, and a smaller house for his parents...all on the same acres, so he can finally tell his parents that he helped them in some way and he can see them stop working so hard into their older years. It's a nice dream. The child taking his place to care for those who cared for him. Very sweet. We've just always talked about it in terms of "if I win the lottery"
I feel focused. I feel like goals in my real life are forming just like they did with fitness and food. Its the criss cross effect that Chris Downe talked so strongly about in The Spark. I think I want to "rejoin society" if you will instead of just hunkering down thinking about what a loser I think I am.
In other news, the monthly gym payment is one thing we won't give up financially. Ironically, it's the one place that is making me gain some self esteem. I look forward to it! Tonight I went at 8pm to help me feel a bit better about how crazy my eating was the previous two days.
As I was walking I couldnt help but think how I used to be mortified on the treadmills at first, but now I feel a sense of pride to be an overweight woman, in public, working her ass off to reach her goal around tons of other intimidating physically fit people. I recognize people who stand out in their own ways just like me, of all walks of life. In my head I even cheer them on when I see they came back to get another workout in just like I did!
And that place being my salvation is only going to get stronger, because in order to pay that card off in 6 months, everything must go towards it, so if I want to have "fun" it has to be at a place thats in the budget.
So, that is what has been happening. Long blog, for a long update. Thanks so much for all the continued support. I really appreciate my Spark friends and love you all so much. I just couldn't hide from you all very long!