Happy Mother's Day to all my dear sparkling friends! Give your babies an EXTRA big squeeze and kiss for me. I'd do anything..absolutely ANY thing to have my darling Josher to squeeze the living lights out of...and I'd plant a big fat smoochy kiss right on his cheek...okay...maybe five or ten all over his beautiful face!
He was my MOST masterful creation and it's just a rotten situation that I didn't get to see him completely flower and grow to his full potential.
I guess it's true...the good die young. BUT it doesn't make it any easier to bear.
Josh was our EVERYTHING! Sooooo...if you are lucky enough to have your children pinch yourself for luck and realize what a wonderful blessing they are in your life. You are truly, truly blessed and I'm so happy for you!
Josh's beautiful orchid that he gave me on our last Mother's Day is still blooming it's little heart out...even almost 7 years later...it makes sure that it puts on a show of love from my masterful Josh.
Josh's orchid is the white one. His friend that worked with him at Publix said that when they got a shipment of orchids in Josh disappeared for a really long time. He worked in the produce department and had to be at work at 4 a.m. to help unload the trucks and place the produce. When the orchids came in Josh spent forever back in that section. His friend, Ralph went back to fetch him "Hey Josh...what the heck are you doing...we need you up front to help stack the apples~" Josh who understandably was a little grumpy at that hour of the morning retorted..."Hey dude...don't sweat it...I'm picking out an orchid for my mom for Mother's Day...it takes TIME dude to get the BEST one. I've chosen this one..I'm putting my name on it...don't TOUCH it..it's for my mommers and it's the BEST one!'
Just typing this makes my eyes water. That was MY Josh...he always wanted the BEST of anything and everything for his mother. He was absolutely the most sharing, most giving, most beautiful soul of a son that any mother could have been graced with. I guess those 22 years of beauty were the special blessing that they were meant to be.
Josh gave me that orchid beaming from ear to ear along with the MOST beautiful Mother's Day card! " I picked this one out special mom...it had to be as special as you are!"
Then he gave me one of his gi~normous hugs and a big kiss. That was MY boy..my angel...I miss him SO much! I always will...but ESPECIALLY on Mother's Day because he made that such a wonderful day for me. I truly and completely knew that I was cherished and loved. What more could a mother ever ask for?
The whole month of May is pretty sucky for DH and I. Mother's Day especially but May 16th the day we lost our Josh and then again May 31st his birthday. He would be a big strapping 30 years old this year. I always ask myself what accomplishments he would have made...what wonderful gifts of his would he have shared with the world by now? His amazing writing skills, his screen writes, his songs, his poems, his love of film-making. His documentaries on shining the light on those who weren't so fortunate. Josh HATED any kind of prejudice, he ALWAYS picked up for the underdog. Always.
In fact that may have been his fatal flaw. The kid that was his demise was a junkie dealer of drugs. Josh's friends told Josh he was no good and to stay away from him. But Josh was always drawn to the dark side. It was as if he had one foot on the light side and another foot that couldn't resist the draw of the darker side.
He writes about it so beautifully in one of his poems. I'll have to dig it out and honor him with it. It is so deep and so profound that it took me several readings to actually 'get' what he was trying to say. But once I finally let it seep into my pea brain it was 'aha' now I know his struggles. All of our kids go through those struggles. The world is SO much more complicated for them than it was to us..my DH and I were a child of the baby boomers. We had "Ozzie and Harriet" as our role models. The "Andy Griffith Show" was my entertainment on tv after I arrived home from school.
My mother was quite the career woman and worked when most 50's moms stayed home with their families.
I was a latch key kid that came home to an empty house from school...I never had to fear for my safety alone in those days.
I didn't have the violent computer games of shoot em up, tear em up, rip their throats out entertainment that our children now regularly entertain themselves with.
It's just a different time, and a different place for our children today. Sometimes I think it might be better that I don't have to worry about the world that Josh would face even as an adult. I'd worry myself sick over that and even more so over the safety of my grandchildren.
I am blessed that I have reconciled with my 44 year old daughter from my first marriage. Drugs almost tore us apart. I often ask myself how drugs even entered our family circle. DH and I won't even take an aspirin unless we are absolutely in pain. We take no prescription pills whatsoever and hope that we never have to. I know that prescription pills are necessary to some and it's good that they are there to help them...but for me personally I have a distrust of them. I think that oftentimes they are just one more money making vehicle for the medical profession and the big pharma.
That's why I'm so happy to learn that nutrition can be our medicine and if we take the time to educate ourselves and do our very best to feed ourselves healthfully we can go a long ways in preserving our own health.
That's just me...reflecting on Mother's Day and the blessing that both of my children are. Josh taught me all about the gift of unconditional love that he always outpoured upon me.
Brandy taught me more. She had no love for her mother for many, many years. In fact she delighted in lashing out at me in every way she possibly could...not that sometimes I might not have deserved it. After spending thousands and thousands of dollars to get her help and restarting her life over and over for her up to 10 years running, I was very unsympathetic to her drug problem, she lied, cheated, stole from us and I felt that she wanted to coerce her younger brother by 13 years into her evil ways. I cut off all contact.
It got to the point where you have to protect your self from even your own blood if they are that destructive and hateful towards you and yours. I did not feel safe around my own daughter. I did not feel that her younger brother was safe around her either.
But in the long run she taught me that every child deserves a mother's love, no matter how many times they might hurt, disappoint, and lash out against you. Children on drugs, as she was for many, many years, are not the children that you raised..they are overtaken by the evil that drives them to refuel. They will do anything, say anything, act in any frightening way to serve their drug addiction master.
Thankfully after so many years her body can no longer allow her to serve that master. She has taught me that a mother's love knows no bounds. Each day is a new day to start afresh. She lives many many miles away but I now regularly encourage her, tell her that she can do anything she wants to do, and that each day is a new beginning. She is NOT her past...she is her present. She is MY daughter and she is loved!
Happy Mother's Day my friends...from me to you...I hope you realize and cherish that you have the BEST and MOST important job on this planet earth!
Viva my Josh forever! This is a pic that one of his good friends made sure that we received shortly after his memorial. We regularly stay in touch with them. Josh had SO many friends..but to hear him tell it he was the guy on the outside looking in. He spent so much time encouraging and supporting his friends that many of them said that he was more 'blood' to them than their own families. Josh was put on this earth to love...we are helping him continue that mission by staying in touch with his friends and carrying on his legacy. We love his friends in the same way that he did.
Blessings to my daughter and to her little girl Stevie, I don't know Stevie, or Brandy's two son's. At that time in her life she wasn't able to take care of them and they are with their respective fathers and Stevie is being raised by her aunt. Brandy is doing the best she can to make Stevie a part of her life and trys to see her monthly.