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Happy Momma's Day to all my friends..it's the hardest day of the stinkin' year for me..DRAT!

Sunday, May 12, 2013

emoticon Happy Mother's Day to all my dear sparkling friends! Give your babies an EXTRA big squeeze and kiss for me. I'd do anything..absolutely ANY thing to have my darling Josher to squeeze the living lights out of...and I'd plant a big fat smoochy kiss right on his cheek...okay...maybe five or ten all over his beautiful face!

He was my MOST masterful creation and it's just a rotten situation that I didn't get to see him completely flower and grow to his full potential.

I guess it's true...the good die young. BUT it doesn't make it any easier to bear. emoticon

Josh was our EVERYTHING! Sooooo...if you are lucky enough to have your children pinch yourself for luck and realize what a wonderful blessing they are in your life. You are truly, truly blessed and I'm so happy for you! emoticon

Josh's beautiful orchid that he gave me on our last Mother's Day is still blooming it's little heart out...even almost 7 years later...it makes sure that it puts on a show of love from my masterful Josh.

Josh's orchid is the white one. His friend that worked with him at Publix said that when they got a shipment of orchids in Josh disappeared for a really long time. He worked in the produce department and had to be at work at 4 a.m. to help unload the trucks and place the produce. When the orchids came in Josh spent forever back in that section. His friend, Ralph went back to fetch him "Hey Josh...what the heck are you doing...we need you up front to help stack the apples~" Josh who understandably was a little grumpy at that hour of the morning retorted..."Hey dude...don't sweat it...I'm picking out an orchid for my mom for Mother's Day...it takes TIME dude to get the BEST one. I've chosen this one..I'm putting my name on it...don't TOUCH it..it's for my mommers and it's the BEST one!'

Just typing this makes my eyes water. That was MY Josh...he always wanted the BEST of anything and everything for his mother. He was absolutely the most sharing, most giving, most beautiful soul of a son that any mother could have been graced with. I guess those 22 years of beauty were the special blessing that they were meant to be.

Josh gave me that orchid beaming from ear to ear along with the MOST beautiful Mother's Day card! " I picked this one out special mom...it had to be as special as you are!"

Then he gave me one of his gi~normous hugs and a big kiss. That was MY boy..my angel...I miss him SO much! I always will...but ESPECIALLY on Mother's Day because he made that such a wonderful day for me. I truly and completely knew that I was cherished and loved. What more could a mother ever ask for? emoticon

The whole month of May is pretty sucky for DH and I. Mother's Day especially but May 16th the day we lost our Josh and then again May 31st his birthday. He would be a big strapping 30 years old this year. I always ask myself what accomplishments he would have made...what wonderful gifts of his would he have shared with the world by now? His amazing writing skills, his screen writes, his songs, his poems, his love of film-making. His documentaries on shining the light on those who weren't so fortunate. Josh HATED any kind of prejudice, he ALWAYS picked up for the underdog. Always.

In fact that may have been his fatal flaw. The kid that was his demise was a junkie dealer of drugs. Josh's friends told Josh he was no good and to stay away from him. But Josh was always drawn to the dark side. It was as if he had one foot on the light side and another foot that couldn't resist the draw of the darker side.

He writes about it so beautifully in one of his poems. I'll have to dig it out and honor him with it. It is so deep and so profound that it took me several readings to actually 'get' what he was trying to say. But once I finally let it seep into my pea brain it was 'aha' now I know his struggles. All of our kids go through those struggles. The world is SO much more complicated for them than it was to us..my DH and I were a child of the baby boomers. We had "Ozzie and Harriet" as our role models. The "Andy Griffith Show" was my entertainment on tv after I arrived home from school.

My mother was quite the career woman and worked when most 50's moms stayed home with their families.

I was a latch key kid that came home to an empty house from school...I never had to fear for my safety alone in those days.

I didn't have the violent computer games of shoot em up, tear em up, rip their throats out entertainment that our children now regularly entertain themselves with.

It's just a different time, and a different place for our children today. Sometimes I think it might be better that I don't have to worry about the world that Josh would face even as an adult. I'd worry myself sick over that and even more so over the safety of my grandchildren.

I am blessed that I have reconciled with my 44 year old daughter from my first marriage. Drugs almost tore us apart. I often ask myself how drugs even entered our family circle. DH and I won't even take an aspirin unless we are absolutely in pain. We take no prescription pills whatsoever and hope that we never have to. I know that prescription pills are necessary to some and it's good that they are there to help them...but for me personally I have a distrust of them. I think that oftentimes they are just one more money making vehicle for the medical profession and the big pharma.

That's why I'm so happy to learn that nutrition can be our medicine and if we take the time to educate ourselves and do our very best to feed ourselves healthfully we can go a long ways in preserving our own health.

That's just me...reflecting on Mother's Day and the blessing that both of my children are. Josh taught me all about the gift of unconditional love that he always outpoured upon me.

Brandy taught me more. She had no love for her mother for many, many years. In fact she delighted in lashing out at me in every way she possibly could...not that sometimes I might not have deserved it. After spending thousands and thousands of dollars to get her help and restarting her life over and over for her up to 10 years running, I was very unsympathetic to her drug problem, she lied, cheated, stole from us and I felt that she wanted to coerce her younger brother by 13 years into her evil ways. I cut off all contact.

It got to the point where you have to protect your self from even your own blood if they are that destructive and hateful towards you and yours. I did not feel safe around my own daughter. I did not feel that her younger brother was safe around her either.

But in the long run she taught me that every child deserves a mother's love, no matter how many times they might hurt, disappoint, and lash out against you. Children on drugs, as she was for many, many years, are not the children that you raised..they are overtaken by the evil that drives them to refuel. They will do anything, say anything, act in any frightening way to serve their drug addiction master.

Thankfully after so many years her body can no longer allow her to serve that master. She has taught me that a mother's love knows no bounds. Each day is a new day to start afresh. She lives many many miles away but I now regularly encourage her, tell her that she can do anything she wants to do, and that each day is a new beginning. She is NOT her past...she is her present. She is MY daughter and she is loved!

Happy Mother's Day my friends...from me to you...I hope you realize and cherish that you have the BEST and MOST important job on this planet earth!


Viva my Josh forever! This is a pic that one of his good friends made sure that we received shortly after his memorial. We regularly stay in touch with them. Josh had SO many friends..but to hear him tell it he was the guy on the outside looking in. He spent so much time encouraging and supporting his friends that many of them said that he was more 'blood' to them than their own families. Josh was put on this earth to love...we are helping him continue that mission by staying in touch with his friends and carrying on his legacy. We love his friends in the same way that he did.

Blessings to my daughter and to her little girl Stevie, I don't know Stevie, or Brandy's two son's. At that time in her life she wasn't able to take care of them and they are with their respective fathers and Stevie is being raised by her aunt. Brandy is doing the best she can to make Stevie a part of her life and trys to see her monthly.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    1763 days ago
    Sending Blessings your way! HUGS!!

    Wendy emoticon
    1766 days ago
  • LINDA!
    I cannot begin to imagine how painful it is to lose a child. What a handsome young man he was and so sweet. You were blessed to have him in your life. I hope that our prayers and encouragement make the month of May a bit better. emoticon
    1767 days ago
    A beautiful tribute to a great young man! emoticon emoticon
    My prayers and thoughts are with you during this month and always! A mother's heart never completely heals from the loss of a child (I know) but keep his memory alive helps to ease the pain.
    Stay strong and hold on to your wonderful memories and faith!
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    1767 days ago
    Beautuful blog Bobbie. Big hugs wrapping around you friend. SO hard for us Moms whonhave lost our children. I am glad you are connecting with your daughter. Your beautiful spirit shines thru with your Josh by your side always. I made it thru this Second Mothers day without my Justin. Just so surreal. I am so glad we found each other. Our boys had a hand in this I am sure. You have helped me so much. Love you!
    1768 days ago
    I was not blessed with children this lifetime, but I love fully all that I blessed to be a part of! You are so wonderful!,,,,

    I love you! emoticon
    1768 days ago
    What a heartfelt blog. Here's hoping that writing and sharing all that has happened provides some kind of comfort for you. My heart goes out to you!! I'm betting you do a lot of "deep breathing" through the month of May to help get through it.

    The orchid is, indeed, beautiful. What a wonderful story of how it came to you.

    1768 days ago
    So sorry to hear may is a TOUGH month for you because of Josh Passing away and his birthday.. I feel for your loss because two reasons - no parent should lose a child -- unexpected losses are the hardest. Finding out Joshs goals hobbies are silmair to mine ( I took some video production classes and that he liked to write.. ( making me cry as i type...I think we would be good friends sharing stories and ideas etc.) emoticon

    My sister Mary ( I will have to write her sometime soon) passed away many years ago and like you I wonder what would she be doing today with me as sisters and her goals for her future so many unanswred questions... This journey of life without her sometimes hurt and heal. Before I discovered Spriutality, I was under some degree of sadness and loneiness ( Negative path) slowly the healing journey came through in my stories. Signs coming big time " here comes the Sun" Mary liked the Beatles. emoticon

    This is gonna sound bit weird...sometimes I do my drawings and stories and I get a visual or message from someone I never communicated before. This was done two years ago.....

    I have never seen the top picture of Josh ( that picture ME made pause...wait a second .. Where did I draw this face... Amazigzingly I got the hairstyle right ( only it is reverse)!!!!!!!!!!!! emoticon emoticon

    I drew a picture of my Spruital vistors -- Johnny Denver, couple of actors from my favorite tv series, Chelsea visiting me and my sister Mary..( I don't see them- more like sensing them) I have send it you sometime) there are two men below near the two cats--( they only smiled at me- might be Josh...?????) emoticon

    Sending my love to your heart and BIG emoticon from Dolly.
    Ps Josh wishes you send a hug to you...... emoticon

    1768 days ago
    Josh's orchid is so beautiful. I love the way you tell your story so simply. Who can understand these beautiful lives that are so short. Stevie looks a lot like Brandy. I hope they build a strong and loving bond. She may be able to help Stevie through these difficult days. emoticon
    1768 days ago
    Hopefully you can get to know your grandchildren.
    1768 days ago
    I am sorry for all that you have been through with your losses. You shared so much with all of us with your blog. I know the month of May must be an awful thing to go through each year but you have vocalized things here that are hard to say to other people. May god bless you and keep you in his care forever.
    1769 days ago
    It's so amazing. The orchid is lovely. Josh is with you and always will be just like my brother John is near to me.

    1769 days ago
    Please keep the fact that your beautiful boy loved you close to your heart. emoticon
    1769 days ago
    I know it's hard for you, but we have to know the everything happens for a reason. Josh may have been an old spirit that learned what he needed in this life so he could move on to his next. As for your daughter, drugs are a conscious choice. I was a true child of the sixties and did my share, but I made the choice to embrace reality. Hopefully, she has made that choice too. She's lost a lot choosing to live her life in lala land.
    1769 days ago
    Happy Mother's Day. I'm sorry you've had to go through the loss of your son. You remind us how precious every day is. Hugs to you.
    1769 days ago
  • LYNCHD05
    My heart ached when I read your blog. What an amazing strong woman you are and you have had much to deal with in your life. Thank you for sharing.
    1769 days ago
  • SPARKY1944
    So sorry you have to experience such profound sadness on Mother's Day. Your son obviously meant the world to you and you were very special to him. I hope your orchid blooms forever and will be a beautiful reminder of his love for you. One day, you will be together again and the ache in your heart will turn to happiness. Stay strong.
    1769 days ago
    Happy Mother's Day! Who knows. Maybe one day your grandchildren will be in your life. I bet that you would be a great grandmother to them if that ever happens.

    1769 days ago
    Thanks for your blog. This is such a tough month for you. I am glad you shared the happy memories of your son, the love you shared just shines through. And I am glad your daughter is conquering her addiction.
    1769 days ago
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    1769 days ago
    My words will be completely inadequate so bear with me, my friend.

    I knew you had lost your son but I didn't know, until today, why or how. I don't like Mother's Day for different reasons but, like you, wish my dear friends a wonderful day. Of course, you have your daughter back and your beautiful grandchild and that's wonderful. Some say, "Love conquers all." emoticon

    As I type this, I have tears in my eyes because I have felt your HUGE spirit through my computer screen with your words and kindness and inspiration and beauty, when you could have turned hard and miserable for your great loss, like many have and will do in the future. Your horrible pain increased your love for yourself and others and now it emanates out all over the world!

    I feel very privilege to be your friend and look forward to some day meeting you in person. May God bless you and your husband on this day.

    Love, Chelsea emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1769 days ago
    1769 days ago
    Thank you for sharing about your children. I have a son who is mentally ill and was involved with drugs from age 16 till 27. He was in and out of treatment centers and mental hospitals for over a decade. We spent every penny we had trying to get him help. I lost jobs, and my heart was broken over and over. While he is doing much better now he will never be able to function normally.

    My heart hurts for your son, and for you. So sorry for your loss.
    1769 days ago
    Happy Mother's Day, Bobbi! I'm glad you have been able to forge a good relationship with your DD . I know you will always love and miss Josh. You've been & are a great mommy. I know this b/c I know you are a great person! The orchid is beautiful, btw!
    Have a wonderful day, my friend!

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    1769 days ago
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    1769 days ago
    Hugs and wish mothers day was better for you.
    1769 days ago
    Happy Mothers Day and much love to you emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1769 days ago
    Giving you a hug and not letting go....
    1769 days ago
    1769 days ago
  • SCOOTER4263
    That was tough to read - I can't imagine how difficult it was to write. Thank you for sharing your son and daughter with us, and most of all sharing yourself with us. That kind of honesty isn't easy, but it is healing. emoticon
    1769 days ago
  • ANNMACP0212
    Sending a bunch of hugs and thoughts of peace and comfort to you. Happy Mother's Day--thank you for your brave and touching post today. It's a good reminder to all of us.

    1769 days ago
    Happy Mother's Day to you too!! Thank you for sharing Josh with us today. You gave birth to two amazing people!! emoticon
    1769 days ago
    I share your pain as I lost a son to drugs in August of 2011. Something one never "gets over." Thankfully, I have an older son and 2 wonderful grandchildren who I am thankful for every single day.

    1769 days ago
  • 3G1RLS4ME
    I'm sorry for your loss and the struggles your going thru now, my baby Amanda Rose is up there with ur son. She only lived 2 months and 19 days, she was loved by everyone she meet in and out of the hospital. I often wonder what kind of child she would've been. So this day hurts for me as well ill see her in heaven and kiss my two children I have here on earth twice as much today. My real mom is dead but I am putting flowers on her grave. (My sis wishes)
    1769 days ago
    Thank you for sharing your heart. I am crying with you, for you, and me. Our children are a part of us, whether alive or not. I do not do Mother's Day, except to honor my Mom (from another continent) and some years, my other two children call. I wish so many things...esp. that we did not feel this pain of separation and all the sad things that spiral in with it. I kind of do a holding-my-breath to get through the days when I miss him the most. Every time I look at a "child" the age he was when he died (15) AND the age he would be now (28), I can hardly breathe and I cry deep within (sometimes outside, too). Perhaps the greatest longing I have is to be with my children or at least near enough to be able to see them and love them upclose a couple of times a month, or at least at those special times.
    1769 days ago
  • DS9KIE
    emoticon Have a Happy Mothers day emoticon
    1769 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/12/2013 9:10:17 AM
    It's a hard day, I know darling. You loved your Josh with all your being. I have another new friend who lost her boy to a murder over drugs. It was almost 4 years ago and just a couple of months before my own boy's life was spared during an emergency operation to remove a deadly brain tumor. Her grief is still so fresh, and yet she carries on to serve other mothers who have lost their children to violent crime.

    I can't imagine. My heart aches for you, and yet I know you wouldn't want that to be so. You carry on magnificently and Josh would be and is so proud of you!

    Big Hugs!
    1769 days ago
  • HOLLYM48
    Happy Mother's Day to you and hugs as you deal with the month of May. There is no more precious of a gift than our children and I hope you surround yourself with the memory of your beloved son today and remember all the wonderful things that you shared with him. He is with you always. Thanks for sharing this bittersweet blog with us to make us all realize how precious life is and not to waste a minute of it with our children! emoticon
    1769 days ago
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