Love is Blindness
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Yesterday was a lot of fun because I got to mix fitness with a bit of laziness. As a rule I really don't watch television save for when I catch up on Game of Thrones or a couple of other very select programs so I can go 6 months without watching television. I do like going to see a good film on occasion, though, and that's exactly what I got to do yesterday. Before we left I skipped breakfast--although I did drink a cup of milk--and walked 3 miles and then my sister and I spent a day out on the town doing a bit of shopping (I got a Bazinga shirt because I admit to being a big fan of Sheldon from Big Bang Theory) which included more walking. And then we went out to a Mexican restaurant and of course you'd think I'd be guilty about that but I'm not because first of all I'm vegetarian so I ordered a cheese quesadilla with lettuce and a little bit of sour cream which while not exactly healthy wasn't the worst thing on the menu, I didn't eat that many chips, and I got a small dessert, and that was all I ate for the entire day. I also drank coffee with my lunch so no soda, nothing sugary and at the film I drank water and didn't buy any popcorn or candy. And quite honestly, I don't believe in banishing all good food from your diet or entirely eliminating desserts. I think you're bound to end up screwing yourself over in the end if you do because you'll end up binging at some point. I did add up all my calories in the nutrition tracker and on my Bodymedia tracker at the end of the day and I actually came in under my calories for the entire day since I ate only one meal and my calorie deficit was over 1,500 because I took that 3-mile walk in the morning. In that respect I didn't falter in the least bit from my routine. The only ways in which I slacked a little bit was that I didn't work out as much as I normally do because I was sitting in a theatre most of the day (we watched two films). I even still got in my 8 glasses of water because I took bottled water along with me in the car.
The films were both excellent. We saw The Croods which was one of the best cartoons I've seen in years and then The Great Gatsby which I've been waiting for for EVER and it was everything I dreamed. Leonardo DiCaprio was flawless. But, it did get to me emotionally, especially in respect to Jay loving Daisy so intensely and ultimately and dying for her and yet it all being a terribly cruel illusion and she never loved him at all, only money and status. It got me to thinking about someone that I still love but can't be with anymore (in fact, the real reason I gained all this weight, a terrible depression over the loss of him) and I had frightful nightmares about him last night so ended up getting less than 5 hours of sleep and then this morning I listened to The Great Gatsby soundtrack which only brought back the feelings more intensely for me and I ended up crying through most of it. But, I didn't stop listening to it or try to distract myself from the feelings because I think it's important to feel them. Suppressing them is the reason I gained this weight and the only way I'm going to lose it is if I stop using food to mask emotional pain and shut off my feelings so I just listened to Jack White sing "Love is Blindness" and cried over a boy I will probably always love but likely never see again. Now I'm listening to The Killers to put myself back in a cheerful mood and I'll take perhaps a longer walk this morning and really think things over, get this out of my system because if it's causing me nightmares again then it's for a reason. I had pushed it from my mind for a time but it's come back up for a reason, I think. It's time to actually deal with the feelings and learn to accept what happened so that I can move on with my life and quite honestly, if things hadn't happened the way they did, I wouldn't be where I am now, and I've honestly had a wonderful couple of weeks since I returned to a healthy lifestyle.
One last thing I wanted to mention was this Bodymedia armband. Since that first evening when I had technical problems with it, they were fixed shortly thereafter and I haven't had a single problem with it since. In fact, it's turned out to be one of the best purchases I've ever made. It's extraordinarily helpful in my quest towards a healthy lifestyle. Every day I'm discovering new things it does, but the most important thing is that I'm getting accurate counts of calories consumed and calories burned, so I know for sure if I'm burning what I need to in order to lose weight. Plus, since I started using it I started walking over 10,000 steps a day and before I got it I didn't care how many steps I walked a day and I can assure you it was nowhere near that. I also love that it accurately tracks how much and how well I've slept because as you can see I have sleep problems. My doctor makes me track my sleep but before I was pretty much guessing and now I can be accurate and now I am realizing just how few hours I'm really getting even though I'm going to bed at a decent hour. I'm not staying asleep and the sleep I'm getting is troubled. Something to work on, perhaps take more Klonopin before bedtime, as I'd likely be losing more weight if I were getting better sleep.
Ah, but since I'm hopelessly resilient, my dark humour has since evaporated after a few cups of coffee, some sips of nicotine from my e-cigarette and a lot of Brandon Flowers (The Killers). Also, thinking about seeing my son today, the exercise I'm going to do, and the possibilities that the day holds cheers me. I just hope it's not as cold today as it was yesterday.