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    ALYSSAR2012   9,151
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Tell Me Again, Why Should I Care?

Sunday, May 12, 2013

I just went down and wished my mother and her friend a happy mother's day. When the person who says it is a mother as well, the typical response is "Thank you! Happy Mother's day to you, too!" My mom just said oh thanks. Her friend just nodded her head. I live in a household of 6 people. I am baking a rainbow cake for my mother (she's a lesbian). My sister took her out to eat and got her a gift. I got nothing. From anyone. No card. No gift. No happy mothers day utterance. It's as if the day does not pertain to me.

When I was really deeply depressed back in 2009 everyone was like, "don't kill yourself, think about your son."

According to the acknowledgement I get on parental holidays, even when I give that same acknowledgement to others, what child is that? When I think of it that way.... its as if I have no child to think about, therefore those same people can't call me selfish when I attempt suicide. (And of course, no, I don't parent for the acknowledgement. There's a lot more to the situation involving my mother and I than I am including in this blog.)

It's funny, because I was just telling myself this morning that I was finished with all the depression and suicidal stuff.

This reminds me of the message my ministry leader was teaching last Thursday. Just as you get into a good place, your demons come back to test you.

That's where I am right now. Feeling like worthless sh**... Hating life and everyone in it... because I fed the demon.

Kind of sucks that the root of my unhappiness (which of course, is ultimately not my mother) can't ever change. Unless of course, I was... well... you know...

Please don't leave any comments if you're going to say something along the lines of "the sun will come out tomorrow" (aka things will get better). I didn't really provide much background, so that comment would only fuel my hate.

Thanks. Just wanted to vent before I do something really stupid.........
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GREGSTEAM 5/12/2013 6:02AM

    All we want sometime is a simple acknowledgement. Some people are too self-centered to share a simple word or two. It is hard at sometimes for some of us to see
'why' we matter, wonder if it is worth the fight.
I told someone recently I haven't shared about something because partly I do not "hang out" with rarely anyone in my age group. It makes it hard sometimes to share if no one understands, has similar things going on. I do not fit with my normal group . I'm here, most are female few males. I have physical limitations that make following the advice @ sparkpeople hard to do. Hope this helps, send me a note anytime.

greg

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RISINGBLUESTAR 5/12/2013 5:46AM

    I understand that you don't want people to say "The sun will come out tomorrow." "Everything will be sunshine and unicorns." Uh, no! I particularly hate when people tell me that "worry is the devil." Anxiety is more complicated than that. Depression is more complicated than that. That is a very interesting point your ministry leader made. We all have our own demons and battles to face & they are always lurking just around the corner. All we can do is try to fight it and get back up after we fall or lose a battle.

It was really nice of you to bake a rainbow cake for your mom. You should have been wished a Happy Mother's day and it was hurtful that you weren't. It's difficult to understand the actions of other people. Why they do certain things or don't do certain things and it is so frustrating but it doesn't take away the fact that you are a mom and deserve to have an enjoyable day just like all the other moms out there.

As for the suicidal feelings, I realize you don't want to think that way. It's the way you feel but God has a purpose for you. You are here for a reason. I hope that doesn't count on the list of things you don't want to hear.....You obviously haven't lost faith if you still listening to your ministry leader. There are definitely times when life stinks and we just wish we didn't have to deal with it but there are a lot of good things in life too. Of course it's important to stick around for your son but it's important for you to stick around for yourself too. To become the person you want to be. I am sure you want to see all your sons milestones and I am sure there are a lot of things you want to do so don't give up on yourself or let the difficult times get the best of you.
Go ahead and be angry and frustrated or sad and annoyed or feel whatever you need to feel and say whatever you need to say. It's fine to express how your feeling. Not everything is rainbows and sunshine and that's alright.

Sometimes, the storm calms down but I'm not saying everything will be sunny and bright. I am just saying there will be days that are better than others. Maybe today was tough but maybe tomorrow will be a little better.

-"Everyday may not be good but there is something good in everyday." You will find that to be true. I know I have, even on my worst days!


Hope you have a happy Mother's Day!
emoticon emoticon emoticon


Comment edited on: 5/12/2013 5:49:43 AM

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HAPPYMENOW58 5/12/2013 4:16AM

    Believe it or not...I hear what you are saying...Sometimes families can drive us crazy! I always had a deep love for my mother(still do), but as I got older...I realized that I couldn't change her or turn her into a different personality.....I won't get into it all....but my mother has many addiction difficulties...Etc!! I got myself together with the help of my husband and a few good friends....and moved away from her...I know this sounds drastic...but sometimes we have to make a drastic change if our situations are becoming too toxic. I see her a few times a year...talk on the phone with her,etc...and have a much healthier relationship. You deserve happiness in your life....Get it together..Form a plan! Good luck and God bless.......You can do it!

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PATRICIAAK 5/12/2013 3:21AM

    Take care and get help

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