Sunday, May 12, 2013
I just went down and wished my mother and her friend a happy mother's day. When the person who says it is a mother as well, the typical response is "Thank you! Happy Mother's day to you, too!" My mom just said oh thanks. Her friend just nodded her head. I live in a household of 6 people. I am baking a rainbow cake for my mother (she's a lesbian). My sister took her out to eat and got her a gift. I got nothing. From anyone. No card. No gift. No happy mothers day utterance. It's as if the day does not pertain to me.
When I was really deeply depressed back in 2009 everyone was like, "don't kill yourself, think about your son."
According to the acknowledgement I get on parental holidays, even when I give that same acknowledgement to others, what child is that? When I think of it that way.... its as if I have no child to think about, therefore those same people can't call me selfish when I attempt suicide. (And of course, no, I don't parent for the acknowledgement. There's a lot more to the situation involving my mother and I than I am including in this blog.)
It's funny, because I was just telling myself this morning that I was finished with all the depression and suicidal stuff.
This reminds me of the message my ministry leader was teaching last Thursday. Just as you get into a good place, your demons come back to test you.
That's where I am right now. Feeling like worthless sh**... Hating life and everyone in it... because I fed the demon.
Kind of sucks that the root of my unhappiness (which of course, is ultimately not my mother) can't ever change. Unless of course, I was... well... you know...
Please don't leave any comments if you're going to say something along the lines of "the sun will come out tomorrow" (aka things will get better). I didn't really provide much background, so that comment would only fuel my hate.
Thanks. Just wanted to vent before I do something really stupid.........