The Past Two Weeks (this is a long one!!)4...
Sunday, May 12, 2013
The past two weeks have been such a whirlwind!!
Two weeks ago I was training for the Delaware Half Marathon - right on schedule. I was so proud that I was still on track while in California and dealing with my 24 year old son's anorexia.
Then...there was a curve ball. My son's therapist said he should fly home to Maryland to file a restraining order against his exgirlfriend. We both flew back to Maryland. He filed a "peace order" and was told he had to appear back in court the following Friday. During that week I saw him go back to his anorexic eating habits. The following Friday the judge said his ex wasn't served and it was extended to the following Wednesday. Since she lives in Delaware and Delaware police don't have to serve it when the Maryland sheriff sends it to them we realized this could go on forever. My son needed therapy and had missed a week and a half of therapy so we sent him back. Then we find out she got served the following Monday, went on Weds - he wasn't there- so it got dismissed and she is now continuing to email a d friend request him on Facebook! The therapist assured us he could stay in California on his own and didn't need us because he had a strong team of doctors. I texted her and told her he wasn't eating right and she needed to weigh him that Monday when he got back.
During the time my son and I were home in Maryland my parents came back up from Florida to their house in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware for the summer. They own a very large house and had decided in the Fall to sell it and move near me since they are now in their early 70s and looking ahead for when they have health issues, etc. They didn't expect their house to sell for a couple years but sold it as soon as they got back to Delaware. They spent most of the time I was home at my house. This means that I had two weeks to spend with my husband and they were there most of the time! And we didn't get advance notice!! They literally pulled in our driveway on a Saturday morning, woke us up and stayed til Tuesday! And kept coming back!! I didn't get to run at all. I love them but it was too much. All the conversations were about my brother and his wicked divorce, my grandmom and her dementia and my son. My dad actually accused my son of "being on something" while my dad was - ironically - on something called way too much alcohol! That night ticked my husband and I off so much that we haven't talked to my dad too much since.
So...what happened to the Delaware Marathon, you ask...
My husband was supposed to fly out to California last Sunday and fly back to Maryland Friday (I was signed up for the De HM and he was signed up for the 4 person relay). I was supposed to fly back to California next Wednesday.
Then...my mom tells me that she and my dad are flying to California last Thursday for my brother's big court case. She said they would take care of my son. After what my dad said and how opinionated he is - my husband said we needed to look out for our son. My dad was on my husband's nerves and we didn't want the other three people on his relay team to miss out so I ended up getting the short end of the stick!!
Meanwhile, the therapist didn't answer my text, then my son reports he only had therapy Monday and Friday this past week. (he did have neurotherapy everyday). He was weighed yesterday at 114 pounds! He has now lost 19 lbs since leaving the hospital! Yesterday was the first time he was told his weight, so he was quite upset. Yesterday the therapist also decided to introduce him to a food tracker to track his calories. He is using it constantly - eating WAY better and said he wished he knew about it earlier.
Those of you who know me, know I love to track my food. I didn't tell him because I didn't know if it was good for anorexics - seems like it could be a double edged sword so I followed the therapists' lead.
Yesterday I flew back to CA. I met with the therapist in the afternoon. My son has lost weight every week since he has come out of the hospital and into her care. She is nice but contradicted things she said to him earlier. Even things said in front of me with him. She denied it but at the time she was adamently supporting him so I know it was BS. Anyway, I mentioned he had a beer and snack before a meal and I thought it may have filled him up before the meal so he didn't eat as much of his meal (ate the rest an hour later). I told her he seemed more motivated with calorie counting.
She then gets him on speaker and tells him that if he doesn't gain weight everyday for two weeks that he has to go to an intreatment place (that she knocked totally down two weeks before or an all male place in Wisconsin). Now, he has never heard this before - I am in her office - and he is on speaker by himself at his apartment. She then tells him
He can't have beer for two weeks...
He immediately says "thanks Mom"
So...I drive home to a text from my son saying "u r on ur own".
I leave him alone last night, he is still not speaking to me today. He said he had given up everything, and is doing everything the therapist has told him to do. She killed the trust I had with him. It was most important and what has kept him trying to fix himself. I told my husband what was going on. I texted my son - who was in the other room - and told him I don't care if he has a beer but it can't count towards his 3600 calories. Ironically my husband sent him a text at the same time with the same idea!! Right now this kid needs to eat!!! He is not drinking a lot of beer or even beer everyday. I did tell him not to drink it ahead of a meal so he is not feeling filled. I didn't tell him but I really am not happy that she threw 3 negative things at him over the phone! And she knew he was alone! It made him want to quit - thank God I was here!
And that is why I am letting the Delaware Half Marathon 2013 go - the goal of my son's survival is so much more important! Hey! I think I will put it in my goal list!
So... What about me?? I am exhausted!! Now my parents are here in California not sure when I will be running! I am eating way too much - my son has to eat constantly so we are at restaurants all the time. I am so full and tired of eating but have to in front of him. I have a gut and feel so uncomfortable! My 50th birthday is next week and it's gonna suck (sorry, but that is the right word). I want to go home but can't!!
The only saving grace is that Roxy is with me. She is the only "normal" thing in my life. Not sure how many of you have read "A Dog's Purpose" but she definitely has one!!
So, that's my life right now. I really am ready for this to be done. A close Sparkbuddy who has been through this said its gonna take a couple of years. I think it may be easier when my son comes home. It may be really soon. I am not thrilled with his therapist and he knows he has three months to be ok - my husband and I will no longer support this California life style!
I did realize today that he was not given any short term goals - its all negative. I told him if he gains weight everyday we will drive to las Vegas next weekend for my birthday. He has never been and really wants to go.
I apologize that I haven't kept up with all your blogs. I hope you are having a great weekend!
Member Comments About This Blog Post
Wow. Wow. So much to take in. (((HUGS))) for you! And truly, a very big mother's YEAR to you.
Other remarks here are wondering about the therapist, and about the need for a victim who is in treatment to have to show up in court, personally across the country, when bullying via internet is a large part of the matter at hand. I would have the same doubts.
It's hard to change therapists, but if she won't acknowledge her role in the damage done, you might consider that. Of course, your son needs to also acknowledge that this is not everyone else's fault, and in his position, that is a very difficult thing to do. It's not his fault either, but at the end of the day, healing is his responsibility.
In keeping with his learning about the significance of healthy eating, would he accept a conversation where you get to assert your needs too? If he is listening (hard at this point, I know), he can understand that your body's needs are different, and your decisions about eating will need to be different from his. Just a thought.
We had brunch with my SD yesterday, the one who struggled with anorexia and bulimia for years. She is healthy, but still so thin. I couldn't help but remember those years and think of you.
Best wishes and prayers for your continued strength,
1347 days ago
I think I would tell your son you had no idea what the therapist was going to say to him. Go to Vegas and have a good time together. You will get back into your routines. Go with the flow and don't be hard on yourself.
1347 days ago
Well, I'm not for postponing celebrations - people need positive things in their lives to remember why they are trying to get healthy. I think taking time together is important no matter what his results are.
Also, can I just say that I can't believe someone has to show up from across the country to legally get someone to stop harassing/bullying them. It is just shocking what a victim has to go through. I think that with the way technology is today that there should be some kind of system in place that takes into account the fact that harassment doesn't have to occur in the same physical location anymore. Do you know of any nonprofits or organizations that are lobbying for those kind of policy/law changes? I'm just wondering, because it seems like you should be able to have an appointed public representative to go for you or something! I would think with bullying being such a hot topic right now that there would be organizations set-up to do this.
Hope things get better and that you are able to take some time for yourself!
1347 days ago
You are by far, one of the strongest people I know. Happy mothers day to a dedicated wonderful mom. You're such an inspiration, and I hope that we all can be there for our children when they are in need. sending BIG GIANT HUGS your way :)
1347 days ago
A mom is always a mom. Your son is a lucky young man to have people who care about him. Prayers for all of you in this tough time.
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1348 days ago
What a lot of strength you have! And I love the idea of putting your son's well-being as a goal, how perfect. Give Roxy an extra scritch behind the ear from me.
1348 days ago
What a difficult time! I don't know what to say.
Even if so many bad things happen, try to take the best care of yourself. You need time for yourself to relax and recover.
Here is my favorite quote of The SPark:
"When life is difficult, you've got to take control of what you can. When confidence is low, that's exactly when you need to be at your healthiest, strongest and most energetic. There is no better time to create your own little corner of sanity and positive feeling."
It is a pity your parents don't understand and support you better : (
1348 days ago
I'm not sure what I think of this therapist, but she doesn't see like a very good one. You're doing everything you can, so don't let things get you down. Maybe you can 'postpone' any Birthday celebrations until you are all in a better place.
1348 days ago
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