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My Difficult Weekend Begins

Saturday, May 11, 2013

I knew Mother's Day would be hard, but not this hard. I mean, my mom died on 12/12/12, so this will make exactly 5 months since i lost her so suddenly and so unexpectedly. But, my own baby boy, my Jack, is suffering. He is dying from brain cancer. For those who don't know, he is my dog, my friend, my baby boy. the only child I have. So, yeah, mother's day was going to be hard....

Yesterday I spent a couple hours with my dad and out of the blue he just started crying. He said he didn't know what he would do when he went home and she wasn't there. My mom he meant of course. He said, how can I do this, in the shape I am in, without her? I didn't want to point out that they wouldn't be able to do it since she was in a wheelchair or used a walker there at the end. I just held his hand and said it would be ok.... Then I said I'm a liar. I don't know if it will be OK. I just don't know dad, but we'll figure it out together. then I told him it was mother's day weekend and I was missing Mom too. He started crying again and said if they were to let him go home this week he would refuse. See? His mind is not all there. He's not going home any time soon. He's a young man trapped in an old man's body right now and his mind is slipping. How will he ever take care of himself? I don't know! I don't know anything except that I hurt.

I had a talk with Jack today and told him I knew he was a brave, strong, loving dog, but it was OK. He didn't need to stay here with us, that we would be sad and we would miss him, but we would all be OK if he wanted to go over the rainbow bridge. I told him how he would meet my sister, the aunt he never knew who loved dogs and couldn't understand why I never had one! She would greet him and show him around and love him just as I love him. And, how he would meet his uncle he never knew and how he would tease Jack just like Daddy does, but love him and show him all the good napping places. I told him about his cousins he would meet and how he would see Grandma again and Pappy (my grandfather). I told him he wouldn't stumble any more and wouldn't fall over while trying to poop or pee. See, he did today and just continued his business while lying on his side. My husband says it isn't time, but I don't know. I think maybe it is. But, I don't know.

My dad can't move his left arm at all. I thought it was getting better, but it isn't. So, I don't know. I don't feel like I know or am in control of anything.

I just feel so lost. So alone. So, so very helpless.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Melissa, sending love and prayers. Hugs.
    1768 days ago
    Melissa -- So many people are concerned about you. There really isn't any answer except to "let go" and let God handle the situation. Praying that you can find some joy and peace in each day, even though you are faced with so many changes in your life. Our friends lost their 26 year granddaughter to cancer yesterday -- the family has been torn apart by the illness for the last 5 years. The girl was married and the husband is in control of the burial, etc. The girl was the second child of four children -- she had one older brother and a younger brother and sister. It should be a time of togetherness for all of them, but they are fighting and hurting one another. You are someone who has had to go through a lot of grief over the years. Now your father is the one who needs you and Jack. Hold fast to your memories and treasure what time you have left together. Wish I could give you a great big hug!
    1769 days ago
  • TANYA602
    Sweetheart, you're never alone. My heart breaks for you over Jack. It's certainly one of the hardest decisions we have to make - putting our loves out of their pain. I think of you daily and send hugs and support to you.
    1770 days ago
  • 2BEHEALTHY2014
    I wish there was something I could do or say to make you feel better, but words can't help. Just know that I am here for you and am crying right along with you. Maybe knowing that you have so many people who care about you can help in a small way. Sending hugs.
    1770 days ago
    Melissa, I knew this weekend would be hard for you, so I said some extra prayers for you, Anthony and your dad! I added you all on my church group's prayer line.

    Not much I can say to make it better. I'm sorry you were sad, but happy you were with your Dad. I also liked what you said to him... "Then I said I'm a liar. I don't know if it will be OK. I just don't know dad, but we'll figure it out together. " That is what you both need, each other! Same with Anthony and you... you need each other! Loved you assured Jack it was okay to go. That is what Anthony will need, Jack to make the decision, not him. I'll keep praying that God helps you all with this.

    God bless you all! HUGS, LOVE, & PRAYERS!!!
    1770 days ago
    I'm so sorry honey. I want to do so much more for you.
    1771 days ago
    Melissa, you don't "know" me........but I'm on the Warriors and I couldn't help but read your blog as it floated by on the stream. My heart goes out to you.............. please try to tackle all this one thing at a time.

    For now, your Dad sounds like he's safe, and it sounds like you have him in a rehab facility where he truly is getting the care he needs. You are, from the sounds of some of your previous blogs, second-guessing the place you have him. Remember that medicine is not an exact science, and rehab facilities know much better than most physicians how much therapy and rehabbing people can tolerate in a day. Doctors may *order* something twice daily, but it doesn't mean people can tolerate that. Also remember, too, that recovery from neurological incidents can take a very long time - and it may not be the complete recovery you are hoping for. Memory issues are so tough to deal with.........especially when we don't think they should be happening yet. The rehab unit will meet with you when it's time to discuss what is safe for your Dad, what he will need if he gets discharged, and what you, as his family, will face. Try really hard not to "project" too much requires a ton of patience and "wait and see"...............................

    Each celebration day will be difficult without your Mom and you must allow yourself the time to grieve those days. As you grieve, however, also remember the *fun* things, the good things, the things your mother would want you to remember about those days and times and celebrations with her. God gave us the gift of "memories" for just these times. Take this day to re-live those memories and celebrate the person your mom was and the legacy she has left behind.

    Ah, your sweet Jack....................... we had to send our 16 1/2 year old Beagle, Mickey, over the Rainbow Bridge last July 20th. While it was the hardest decision we ever made to let him go, it was what was best for him. He was miserable, and we could see that, although he didn't indicate he was in a whole lot of pain. There is different misery other than pain........... and it sounds like your sweet Jack is there if he can not longer get up to do his "business". We didn't get Mickey's paw print, but we do have his ashes here with us, and in some odd way, that's comforting right now. It *is* difficult without him, but it was much more difficult watching him................................

    My thoughts are with you.........................please know that you are NOT alone. There are many people here supporting you that you didn't even know existed.....................

    1771 days ago
    1771 days ago
    *HUGS* You have been so strong. I can't imagine how hard all of this must be for you. You'll get through this, one day at a time. You are never alone - we're all here for you!
    1772 days ago
  • DEE797
    emoticon emoticon
    1772 days ago
    1772 days ago
    Melissa, I wish there were words that I could say to make you feel better tomorrow, but I know there aren't. You Mom was very special to you, and she will be with you tomorrow, even if only in your thoughts. My Mom has been gone for many years, but she is always with me.

    You are dealing with much right now, and it seems endless. I am not an overly religious person, but do know that God is watching over you, and knows you have strength, and love.

    I know you have a very difficult decision to make about Jack. You love him, and don't want him to go, but you will know when it is time so that he doesn't suffer. I am so sorry that you have to go through this, and wish I could do more for you.

    emoticon and prayers. Please try to stay positive tomorrow, remembering all the good times you had with your Mom. She is with God, she isn't suffering and is happy.
    1772 days ago
    Melissa, what a difficult weekend for you. Sending hugs and prayers dear Spark Friend. I know how hard this is for you. Tell Jack that my Booboo girl is there waiting to make friend with him over the Rainbow bridge.
    1772 days ago
  • HICIM705
    emoticon emoticon Melissa - you sure have been dealing with a lot since your mom passed. Seems like you just don't get a break ... but I truly believe that we aren't given more than we can deal with - and, in time, I'm sure you will agree - right now, however - I'm sure you can't even see that far ahead.

    Take care of yourself, however - take care of you and your hubby ... then, together, you will be able to deal with what is going on with your dad and with Jack. All of the 'firsts' without your mom are going to be difficult - Mother's Day may be the worst for you. . .hang in there - we are all here for you when/if you need to chat.
    1772 days ago

    Comment edited on: 5/11/2013 8:56:21 PM
    Melissa, I wish there was more that I could do for you besides pray! But since it's all I can do, I will continue.

    1772 days ago
    (((HUGS))) I'm so sorry for all that you are going through. It must be hard to be so out of control. I lost my cat last October due to colon cancer, but that was the only difficult thing I had to deal with at the time. I can't imagine having so much to deal with at once. I'll be praying for you and your dad. I hope things gets better for you soon.
    1772 days ago
    Hope things get better for you.
    Come back and see us on the Rocking Rose Rangers. we really miss y ou
    1772 days ago
    Melissa..i can only imagine how you are hurting over the Loss of your beloved Mom.....and the suffering that Jack is going through......I am so sorry that i can't help you.....hopefully your Pain will get a little less with time....i will say a Prayer for you. emoticon
    1772 days ago
    Oh Melissa, this will be a hard weekend and I am so sorry!!! I wish there was something I could do for you!!

    Big hugs!!!
    1772 days ago
    Oh Melissa, how I wish I had words of wisdom and comfort for you. I will, and have been, continue to pray for all of you.

    1772 days ago
    I am so sorry for your pain. I truly am. May peace somehow be with you during this time.
    1772 days ago
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