Saturday, May 11, 2013
I knew Mother's Day would be hard, but not this hard. I mean, my mom died on 12/12/12, so this will make exactly 5 months since i lost her so suddenly and so unexpectedly. But, my own baby boy, my Jack, is suffering. He is dying from brain cancer. For those who don't know, he is my dog, my friend, my baby boy. the only child I have. So, yeah, mother's day was going to be hard....
Yesterday I spent a couple hours with my dad and out of the blue he just started crying. He said he didn't know what he would do when he went home and she wasn't there. My mom he meant of course. He said, how can I do this, in the shape I am in, without her? I didn't want to point out that they wouldn't be able to do it since she was in a wheelchair or used a walker there at the end. I just held his hand and said it would be ok.... Then I said I'm a liar. I don't know if it will be OK. I just don't know dad, but we'll figure it out together. then I told him it was mother's day weekend and I was missing Mom too. He started crying again and said if they were to let him go home this week he would refuse. See? His mind is not all there. He's not going home any time soon. He's a young man trapped in an old man's body right now and his mind is slipping. How will he ever take care of himself? I don't know! I don't know anything except that I hurt.
I had a talk with Jack today and told him I knew he was a brave, strong, loving dog, but it was OK. He didn't need to stay here with us, that we would be sad and we would miss him, but we would all be OK if he wanted to go over the rainbow bridge. I told him how he would meet my sister, the aunt he never knew who loved dogs and couldn't understand why I never had one! She would greet him and show him around and love him just as I love him. And, how he would meet his uncle he never knew and how he would tease Jack just like Daddy does, but love him and show him all the good napping places. I told him about his cousins he would meet and how he would see Grandma again and Pappy (my grandfather). I told him he wouldn't stumble any more and wouldn't fall over while trying to poop or pee. See, he did today and just continued his business while lying on his side. My husband says it isn't time, but I don't know. I think maybe it is. But, I don't know.
My dad can't move his left arm at all. I thought it was getting better, but it isn't. So, I don't know. I don't feel like I know or am in control of anything.
I just feel so lost. So alone. So, so very helpless.