Enough is ENOUGH!
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Okay, I'm fed up. I'm mad at my scale, I'm mad at the bad habits I got in the last months, I'm mad at my muffin top and my tight Summer clothes, I'm mad at my laziness, at the weather, mad at brie cheese, parmigiano fries and alcohol, I'm mad at pretty much everything health, weight and fitness-related in my life right now.
This morning I decided to take all this anger and turn it into something positive. I revised my whole strategy. I decided to become serious instead of only saying I want to become serious. I decided to put my words into actions instead of saying "I will" all the time and sitting on my ass.
Thursday evening we had a 5 to 7 event at job for the leaving of two people. It was at the Dooly's so I ate a poutine there and had 4 beers. At the end we weren't many left and for some reason this douche decided to make a comment about my weight while I was turning my back on him, talking with the others. I know he was drunk, I know he was one of the two people leaving so I won't have to see him at job ever again, I know he's just a stupid motherF whom I should ignore, but this time, for some reason, this time I didn't ignore it.
I'm not used to people being mean about my weight. I remember a 10 years old kid calling me "fatass" when I was 12 and feeling devastated. I remember a few comments in high school, but they were what everyone my shape was enduring this time. That's pretty much it. I hadn't been around blatantly mean people in a while, and this guy just crushed my self-esteem to pieces with a few words.
I don't even remember what the comment was. Something about my fat rolls. I was also wearing a shirt that's all torn-up in the back. I had a tank under it at job but I removed it for the bar, and for some reason he also made fun of that. I don't know why a 25 years old man has to do that to feel better about himself.
Well. I came back home shortly after his comment and I spent the evening crying. My boyfriend arrived and found me laying down on my bed, staring at the ceiling and crying without a sound. I felt horrible. I felt like I was 16 again. It was incredibly horrible.
The next day I talked about the comment at job. I received the usual non-helping comments like "don't worry about him, he's stupid, accept and love your body, etc." that just make me cringe even more. I also received well-needed support from a few female coworkers who couldn't believe the douche. And one of them insisted that I look amazing and that I shouldn't let one comment bring down years of work. I remember when I added her to my Facebook last Summer, I'd made an album with pictures of myself through the years to show the weightloss and the very next day she told me how impressed she was with my efforts. Coming with a 5'8'' tall girl who's just a little over 100 pounds, I felt great, lol. (But coming from whomever I'd still feel awesome.)
Back at home I was waiting for my boyfriend to arrive and he came home with a dozen roses. :) this sure cheered me up! But... we went out to Pacini's to eat and we had A. LOT. TO. EAT. I had a bloody ceasar, broccoli cream, parmigiano fries, then cheese tortellini with dew sauce, half a bottle of wine, and half a tiramisu.
Woke up this morning feeling fine - after 11 hours of much needed sleep. The boyfriend is working all afternoon and only finishes at 6, so that gave me plenty of time to think and prepare. I started reading a bunch of articles, both on SP and other websites, about the BMR, and found many ways to calculate how much calories I burn everyday without exercising. I built my whole program around that. If I wanna maintain my weight right now I'd have to eat 2116 calories; I decided to create the 3500 calories deficit over 6 days, since I'm keeping my cheat day on Saturdays, so I have to eat 1533 calories if I don't exercise. I also calculated approximately how many calories I burn jogging, walking, swimming, and doing my strenght training at home according to the SP calculators. I know a lot of people here say they're wrong all the time, but I decided to trust them since I work on this website and this website only for my weightloss.
I'll kick myself in the A to do my strenght training again - I also gotta redo my programs since I've had 'em since March - and go for a jog twice a week. I'll try walking on weekends since it's easier for me than jogging. I always feel like traditional fitness like jogging, strenght training or the likes cuts my days in half on weekends, so I prefer walking.
Obviously since I'm keeping track of calories I also decided to keep track of fat, carbs and proteins. Proteins have always been a problem for me. I'll try to add more tofu or legumes to my meals and not so many carbs (pasta, potatoes, bread). As for fat I'm already good from what I calculated.
I'll be preparing my days ahead in the nutrition tracker on Spark. All of this is starting tomorrow, so I planned tomorrow already... except I'm eating at my boyfriend's house with his parents for Mothers' Day and I don't know what he'll be cooking. I'll ask him tonight and try to take that into account. I decided to add a glass of red wine in the tracker because we always have wine with his parents and was really surprised to see that's 87 calories alone. No matter I haven't lost any weight this year since I've been drinking so damn much... well that's gonna help me drink way, way less!
Now the only thing I gotta do is... do all this. I gotta make all this part of my routine. For me it seems like a LOT right now but I'm thinking if I just take 15 minutes every evening to plan the next day, it's not a lot. I've been planning meals ahead of time for ages now, making my grocery list accordingly, so I'll just have to create groupings in the tracker with the meals for the week and that's it. In a month or two I should have my whole cooking list meals listed so it'll be even easier! And I could always create more groupings when I have free time. (Like right now!)
So, yeah. No more slacking. For some reason I'm dreading the tell-the-boyfriend-about-all-t
his part. I know he'll be real supportive as always, but I always feel awkward talking about weightloss efforts and fitness with people outside of Spark. I'm always afraid people will judge me, my methods, or think stuff like "she won't make it". That, or it always ends in a fight - for example when I talk about weightloss with some friends who are working out a lot, but eating McDonald's three times a week, or my future roommate who is also working out, but eats so much dessert it makes my stomach sick only thinking about it...!
Well, I'm off to clean the apartment, wash the dishes, and then cook supper. Tonight is spicy lentils with grilled vegetables and mashed potatoes. :)