I wrote a very exposing blog yesterday. I felt when i was writing it that it would be therapeutic in a way, but after re-reading this morning I realized that instead it came out looking very dark and much much sadder than I am.
I talked about my issues with food and with my body. How the physical side of losing weight is not my problem, it's mental/emotional problem that I have. I get in my head.
I also shared my insecurities about how I look and how others don't see me the way i see me. I shared a story about meeting my husbands bosses and how I feared their internal judgement.
The problem with the last blog is that I did not share how far I have come.
I was sad yesterday. I was down and feeling frustrated and overwhelmed with the amount of weight I still need to lose. I was beating myself up and I shared my mental conversation with the Spark world. I regret that.
So for those of you that read it...I hope you read this.
Today is a new day and here is the truth...........
I am insecure about my body, but with my lifestyle change I gain a little confidence each and every day.
I have issues with food and eating it for comfort or thinking about what I should not eat as punishment, but each day that I eat in moderation I get closer to becoming friends with food (so to speak.)
I struggle with resentment about ''dieting'' and feeling like a fat girl who will never lose all this weight so why bother, but with each pound lost I see the ''light at the end of tunnel'' and I get one step closer to being free of this baggage (the weight).
I struggle with making sense of these feelings because I am confident in all other areas of my life. I am a smart, funny, competent woman, but I do...from time to time.... beat myself up for allowing myself to get to this weight. I was never thin but I also never came close to weighing 250 (my starting weight). I did that. No one but me and I struggle with that. The why's of that.
Today I am going to have my husband take a photo of me at 220 and I am going to compare it to my 250 picture. I know I will see the difference. I think it will be good for me to see it though. I deserve the atta girl.
As for what I am going to do now...I am going to stay the course. I am going to keep chipping away at this body and of the mental picture I have of myself. I am going to replace the negative images I have...one by one until I feel as good about my body as I do about the rest of my life. One feeling...one pound...one memory at a time.