Saturday, May 11, 2013
I went to a chocolate shop with my friend, Noreen, yesterday, while on our girl's day out. She said she wanted to pick up something small for her mom for Mother's Day, but she also wanted to treat herself. I was just tagging along for the ride, but I have to admit that the more time we spent in the shop, the harder it became to resist the smell of the chocolate. As far as I'm concerned, chocolate IS the food of the gods. It's delicious, it's good for you, and it puts me in a happy place. So I started wandering around, looking for something small. I didn't want a bag, fancy mug, or box of anything. I just wanted a small something, temporarily forgetting that I pledged to buy no chocolate for the duration of the interim challenge; but it didn't even have to be chocolate, just something small. But in that kind of store, small is sometimes a challenge. The only small items were the M&Ms or bridge mix that you serve yourself, and the bags conveniently hold about 3 cups of candy. So I started having visions on chocolate: how good it would feel in my mouth, how delicious it would taste, how happy it would make me, how good it would feel sliding down my throat, how YUMMY it would be. And knowing I would be 'forced' to buy a bag or box or fancy mugful, instead of just one piece, would make it all the better. I visioned being at home, enjoying my one, maybe two pieces, how it would set my mood for the rest of the afternoon. Then I envisioned having a few more an hour later, feeling slightly guilty for overstepping the bounds; one or two more after dinner, because chocolate makes a great dessert. Then I saw the guilt I would feel having to write all this decadence into my food log, the sick feeling from eating too much sugar, which my poor abused tummy can't deal with as well as it used to, the guilt I would feel knowing I had such a fabulous treat and I ate it before I could share it with my hubby, the sinking feeling that I had lied to myself again. For me, one piece, if there is more than one, is never enough. I can buy one truffle at the mall and be perfectly satisfied with it. But if I have a bag of candy, especially chocolate, in the home, in the privacy of my home office or bedroom, one is never enough. And sometimes I will eat until I feel physically sick.
On the way back to the car, Noreen commented that I had bought nothing, and I reminded her of the chocolate pledge I had made. She made a humming noise at that, like she couldn't believe I would say NO to chocolate, and let it pass. I didn't tell her all that had gone through my head, my visions turning into guilty feelings of dread. Someone who doesn't have 'food issues' just wouldn't understand. So today, I stand strong, knowing that at least this once, I was able to conquer my cravings. This may never happen again in my life, but just this once, my food cravings had a happy ending.