Where I am now
Saturday, May 11, 2013
I know some may be wondering, and I hope my silence hasn't worried anybody. I am alive and ... well, alive. Depression and resulting apathy are difficult issues to live with. I'm still suffering sometimes, but it's much much better. For a number of reasons. One: time and, to a point, distance. Two: I self-diagnosed myself with a vitamin B deficiency. (My doctor tested my thyroid: that was fine! My B vit. test came out fine too, but that was after I'd been self treating for a month. I stopped taking them 3 days before the test but it wasn't enough time. Doc said keep on them). Three: my ex got himself on anti-depressants.
Yeah... I realize that's an odd thing to say. But I've been called empathic by people many times over the years, and while not out of control... I sometimes do pick up very strongly from certain people. So it would make sense if somebody I care deeply for is depressed... it would effect me. Sadly I never thought "Oh, he must be depressed" or "His behavior tonight is a direct result of his depression" but instead I took it personal. Essentially, his depression was feeding my depression. I'm only speaking of some of his behaviors here; depression doesn't excuse all.
I still have my days, my moments. My ex thinks I should get on anti depressants too, or at least go to counseling. Turns out it's not a personal slur "You need counseling!" but "I think EVERYbody would benefit from counseling." Including himself. My biggest issue now is the occasional feeling of "what is the point of living?" Being alone, just me and my cat, like I've always been. No true love, no husband, no children. I've been trying to meet somebody to settle down with for 20 years. When I fall in love, I love to the depths of my being... and always end up alone. I'm too weird for "normal" people, too "normal" for weird people. No, I'm not suicidal... I have a healthy fear of pain, blood, and outrageous medical bills if I live. And I feel too guilty at the thought of somebody finding me... plus family, friends... a built in guilt complex is useful sometimes lol.
Mostly that's when I feel most depressed now. The occasional night when my entire life just feels lonely. My ex said he felt that way too but now he's on anti-depressants and he doesn't feel that way anymore.
Still: I *am* doing much better. Plus I started a new hobby. A 12 week fitness challenge at a local fitness center. Very challenging. I just started last week. Need to get it all pulled together this weekend. If I work hard and stick to it... I have the chance to win $1000 :D It's kinda like a biggest loser challenge. And they have put into place everything they possibly can to make you succeed... other than actually showing up at your door and dragging your but outside. (Though another participant told me dont' worry... they WILL call). They also help manage your diet by creating individualized calorie guidelines and menu plans.
Oh yeah! I also started working in December. It was a temp job at a bank, but I quit there just before the job ended to take one in a different company, and I've been there ever since. Still a temp job, but I'm working 40+ hours a week. Everybody loves me there. And it's a casual dress code unless a client shows up, and we're given plenty of notice to dress business casual.
Really, my life is no more or less "lonely" now than it ever has been . I'm an introvert, I deal best with people 1 on 1 (or very small groups... maybe 3 at a time). I'm fine alone. I remember when I was working full time and attending university full time... I would sometimes go a week or more without really talking to another human, and not even notice. The problem is that NOW I am noticing it... but I have so few "best friends" (though tons of "acquaintance" friends) and of my 2 best friends... one works on a cruise ship so I see her once a year, the other is my ex. Was? We are talking. He is more than an acquaintance friend, but I can't quite call him "best friend" now. And some of my former "acquaintance friends" have moved up into "friend-friend" status, though I've thought of them as just acquaintances for so long... it's hard to get used to sometimes.
Now off to cook the dinner I meant to make hours ago.... it's finally cool enough to feel like eating!